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Tuesday, January 23, 2007


Rejected Product Slogans

Charmin:
"Butt... Wipe... Err."

Microsoft:
"How much are you going to pay today?"

Eggs:
"The Incredible Edible Ovum."

MTV:
"Loud (and easy to spell!)"

Saks 5th Avenue:
"You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid!"

Iguana:
"The other green meat."

JokeFiles.com:
"Filling your box with boners and guffaws since 1997!"

Nike:
"Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby, spineless lump!"

Penis Enlargement Specialists:
"It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing!"

Canon Photocopiers:
"Quit calling them 'Xeroxes', dammit!"

Pepto Bismol:
"Squash the Squirts!"

Apple MacIntosh:
"Hey, we thought of it first!"

Trojans:
"Just add meat."

Radio Shack:
"You've got the tech questions, we've got the geek losers!"

Daisy Air Rifles:
"Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."



The young man said to his sweetheart, "We're going to have a great time tonight. I have three theater tickets." The young girl said, "Why do we need three tickets?" "They're for your father, mother, and kid sister!"
:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Little Johnny asks his dad is something wrong with Fluffy?
His dad responds, "No, Fluffy is in heat and we don't need her having puppies." Johnny persisted in his request to walk Fluffy; so, Dad takes a rag soaked in gasoline and proceeds to apply it to Fluffy's backside. After which, Johnny takes Fluffy for a walk. About a half hour later, Johnny returns home without Fluffy. His dad asks, "Where's Fluffy?" and begins to become quite upset. Johnny responds "Well, Fluffy ran out of gas and a nice German Shepherd is pushing her home!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor." "Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak

A.A.A.D.D.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide
it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the Garbage
first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take Out
the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check
left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to
my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've
been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
r emote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- The car isn't washed
- The bills aren't paid
- There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
- The flowers don't have enough water,
- There is still only 1 check in my check book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scum bag. He yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk." "So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a mean-spirited lesb1an! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us"
:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
1st DEGREE: A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two
in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone,
listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from
here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some
woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
2nd DEGREE: Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She
opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks
familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands
her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You
dummy, it's me!"
3rd DEGREE: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she
goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when
she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the
gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun
and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."...
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
4th DEGREE: A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She says proudly, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them"...
A friend says "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy "W"...
5th DEGREE: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant?
"Is it mine?"!!!!!! !
6th DEGREE: A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a
scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was
stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Why yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he
surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving
along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of
me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to
the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there
was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am, 'the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on
this road for 30 miles....... ..That was your air freshener swinging back
and forth."
7th DEGREE: Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the
porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down
on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!"


A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female."
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White."
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."


2007 Tax Code

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This
is
due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10%
of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents
and
they are both nuts.

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007, the penis will now be taxed
according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00

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