One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags.
I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my! What should I pack? Beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"It doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. .
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?".
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.".
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. .
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon..
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. .
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun..
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to.".
Don't mess with old farts . . . .
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Q: What's the most popular bra size in the nursing home. A: 38 long..
One day, two girls from Georgia were sitting on their front porch
One of them had just gotten back from the big city of New York and was
telling her friend all about it.
She starts , "You know," with a heavy southern drawl, "they have women
up there who have sex with other women."
Her friend gasps, and replies, "Oh, do tell! What do they
"They call them lesbians," the first girl tells her.
"And they have men who have sex with other men."
Her friend gasps once again, and says, "Oh, do tell! What do they call
The first girl says, "They call them homosexuals. "
The first girl looks around to make sure no one is looking
and whispers to her friend, "And you know... They have
these men... Who'll put their face in a woman's private parts... And
kinda lick around and do stuff with their tongue...."
The friend gasps once again and whispers back, "Oh, do tell... What do
they call them??"
After looking around once again to make sure no one is listening, she
whispers back, "I don't know... I just patted mine on the head ....and
called him 'Precious'."
Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed. "Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent." So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand." They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," his buddy says, "That's my old one!"
A guy from New York married a hillbilly girl. On the honeymoon, the New Yorker asked his new bride if there was any difference in the lovemaking of city guys and hillbillies. She paused for a moment and said calmly, well you city guys walk up and stick it in, but the hillbilly guys stick it in and then walk up. Needless to say that was the end of the conversation.
Two lawyers had been marooned on a dessert island for almost a year after their ship had sunk during a terrible storm. One day while walking along the beach, the two lawyers find a beautiful unconscious woman washed up on the shore. The first lawyer asks the second lawyer,"Think we should fuck her?" And the second lawyer replies, "Outta what?"
The surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any more.
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." "Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
David goes to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?" "I have a lot of issues with sex," David replies. "What kind of issues?" the therapist asks. "Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse."
A farmer and his wife were running late for a costume party. They got into their 2-man cow costume and decided to take a shortcut across a field. (Work with me here...) Suddenly the farmer, who was the head of the cow, saw a bull approaching. When he told his wife she said, "Oh my, what are we going to do?" The farmer replied, "I'm going to pretend like I'm eating grass, you'd better brace yourself."
Besure to click the pic below and wait..........