Odds N Ends

Teddy the red-nosed senator
Had a very shiny car
And if you ever saw it
You were probably at a bar.
All of the other senators
Wondered how he got his dames
They thought he drank too many
To play in any bedroom games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say:
"Teddy with your nose so red,
Won't you help me guide my sled?"
That's how the police found them
Wrapped around a maple tree
Teddy the red-nosed senator
He's a drunken S.O.B.


A Cowboy's Guide to Life

1. Don't squat with your spurs on.
2. Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none.
3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
4. Always drink upstream from the herd.
5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions
6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still back there.
8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
9. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.
************
A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, day ye harv eni books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"
************
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the
unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they
didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist
there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later,
the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help
again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked
for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a
gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right
now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at
the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if
that
gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the
whole house!!"


Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came
up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said
two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought
he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll
just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love
the third one as if it's your own."
************
It was Friday evening and having just been paid, Seamus and Murphy were trying to decide where to go that night.
"I know" said Murphy, "There's a great club in town we ought to try"
"What's it like?" asked Seamus.
"Well, you go into the club, up to the bar where they give you a free drink. Then you go upstairs for a shag. Then you go back to the bar and have another free drink.
After twenty minutes you go upstairs for another shag. After this you go to the bar again and have another free drink and then go upstairs again and have another shag! After this you go downstairs,
have a final drink and leave. On the way out they give you a hundred quid and you go home."
"Christ!" said Seamus, "That sounds great. Have you been
before?" "No," said Murphy, "but my sister has!".
************
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control
your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.
************
Q: Why did the blonde get confused in the the bathroom? A: She is not used to pulling her own pants down.
************
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer. When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss. "I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer. "That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'OH, SHIT!"
************
The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has syphilis." The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news' with a situation like that?" The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."

************
A 13-year-old girl was expelled from school in Beaver, Pa., in July for performing oral sex on a boy during a school bus ride home in May; her mother had challenged the expulsion, unsuccessfully arguing that the school had never specified which activities were unacceptable. Gimme a friggin break... what in the hell is wrong with these parents???
************
Why are blondes quiet when they're having sex? Because they were told not to talk to strangers



Little Buckwheat
A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice red
apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T Knowing that she had
some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked, "Can someone
explain what T.O.T. means?" Mary in the front row raised her hand to explain
it means "To Our Teacher."
The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than the day
before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on it. She asks for
an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves his
hand to explain, "That means "To Our Teacher With Love".
The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on her
desk with a tag saying "F.U.C.K." Her jaw drops and she screams. "Who can
explain this?" Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says,
that means, "From Us Colored Kids.

************
Once upon a time, there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse prevented the prince from speaking or writing but for only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. One day, he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5. At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking. Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"
************
A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."
************
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"
************
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
************
Q: What was one of the first obscenities ever heard on T.V.? A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
************
I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump, so I stopped. There was the cat lying right in the road. It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of the tire had cut it off. A lady came running out of a house screaming, "you killed my cat!" I told her, "No, he's O. K., except for the tail, and I'll fix that." I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on. The lady immediately blushed and called the cops. A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket. Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted. What a bummer. All for retailing pussy in a residential area...
************
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip.
************