A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"? "I'm out of gas!" The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered, "BP."
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
The Pasta Diet and Your Health
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Little Red ~
Little Red Riding Hood is on her way to Grandma's house with a
basket of goodies. Just after she enters the woods, the owl
stops her and says,
"Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, STOP! The
wolf is at Grandma's house and he's going to rip open your
blouse and squeeze your tits!"
Little Red Riding Hood smiled and replied, "Don't worry, I have
a gun. I'll be fine."
A little while later, the deer stops her and says, "Little Red
Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, STOP! The wolf is at
Grandma's house and he's going to rip open your blouse and
squeeze your tits!"
Her reply was the same. "Don't worry, I have a gun. I'll be
Well, this scene is repeated with the skunk and the rabbit and
each time, Little Red Riding Hood's reply is the same.
Finally, she gets to the Grandma's house. She knocks on the
door, the wolf throws it open and exclaims, "Aha! Little Red
Riding Hood, you didn't heed the warnings, and now I'm going to
rip open your blouse and squeeze your tits!"
Little Red Riding Hood responds "No you're not you son of a
bitch! You're gonna eat me like it says in the story!"
Pharmaceutical researchers in England
have formulated a new birth control pill
Which also eliminates that dreaded PMS.
Funding was made possible by...
EVERY GUY ON THE PLANET .... !!!
A man says to his wife, "I fancy some kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"
The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"
To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you!"
Brian, (who for the sake of this joke will be a 'blond') was a business
graduate, and had been out of school for several years. He had
established a furniture store and was doing quite well. He decided to
expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he
knew no one else in town carried. He scheduled a buying trip to France.
Brian's first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of
pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home. After the
arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture home, he decided
to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe. The place
was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table.
Just about the time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and
motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her
face. He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes."
The girl sat down with him.
The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of
French. He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word
of English. He finally had an idea! He took a napkin and drew a wine
glass and a question mark. She nodded her head "yes."
They sat quietly enjoying their wine. When it was just about finished,
Brian realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and
drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her
head "yes" and took him by the hand. She led him down the street to a
very nice restaurant.
They went in. The girl spoke with the head waiter and they were seated
in a quiet corner where they could hear the band playing and see the
dance floor. Brian could not read the menu since it was in French, so he
allowed the girl to order for him.
The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it. After
dinner, Brian took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She
nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the band played,
whether fast or slow. When the band quit playing and began to pack away
their instruments, the couple returned to their table.
The girl took a napkin and reached for Brian's pen. He handed it to her
and she drew a picture of a four poster bed.
Brian is still wondering to this day. . . . . . .
how she ever knew he was in the furniture business!
A panda walks into a diner, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats
the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots out the restaurant's windows.
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts,
"Hey! Where do you think you're going? You just shot my windows out and
you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the owner,
"Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The owner gets out a dictionary, looks it up, and sees the following
definition for "panda". . . . . .
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin. Eats shoots and leaves."
A blonde goes into the library and says,
"I'd like a cheeseburger, fires, and a coke."
The librarian informs her that she's in a library.
So the blonde leans across the counter and whispers to the librarian. . .
"I'd like a cheeseburger, fries, and a coke."
"May I speak to the butcher?"
"Sorry, he's in a meating."
"May I speak to the Invisible Man?"
"Sorry, I haven't seen him around."
"May I speak to the person in charge of gift wrap?"
"Sorry, she's all tied up."
"Hello, do you sell ladders?"
"Sorry you have the rung number."
Two tortoises were walking down the road when the first one was struck
on the head by a falling coconut. His friend, fearful that the turtle
had lost his memory, rushed his companion to the hospital.
The next day, the friend came to consult with the doctor about his
"How's his memory, doc?" inquired the friend.
"Oh, he's cured," replied the doctor proudly. "In fact, I'm happy to
he has turtle recall."
According to a survey from Scott paper co.
* You can gauge a person's education by whether they
read in the bathroom.
* More than 2/3 of the people with a master's degree and
doctorates read in the stall.
* Only one in two high school grads read while in the
bathroom, and 56 percent of those with college degrees do.
* Fifty-four percent of Americans fold their toilet tissue
neatly while 35 percent wad it into a ball before using it.
* Seven percent steal rolls of toilet paper (hotels/motels)
* More than sixty percent prefer that their toilet paper roll over
the top, twenty-nine percent from the bottom. The rest don't care.