Its Monday Again

Valentine

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's day to be
special, So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from
France and it had arrived in time for the occasion.
On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to
have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his
dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only
a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.
In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to
make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she
produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card,
and proceeded home.
When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and
it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic
candlelight dinner for the two of them. He presented her with his gift,
and she opened the card to read, ...
"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." ...
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly,
"Yes, and ... with fronds like these, who needs anemones."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Everything's Bigger In Texas

A wealthy Texas oil magnate goes to Australia to sign a deal to share
pumps in the Mid-East with an Australian company.
He is picked up by an Aussie limo driver and instantly begins to
complain.
"That plane was way too small. We have them much larger in Texas. I
could barely move my legs."
The limo driver agrees and begins to put his bags in the limousine.
The Texan asks him. "What's that?"
The driver looks puzzled and says, "This is a limo that was sent for
you."
The Texan says, "Pretty puny ain't it? Texas has real limos, my five
year old has bigger cars than that in his toy box."
The limo driver is irritated but decides to hold his tongue as this man
was very important to his bosses.
As they drive it keeps coming.
"These roads are far too small, I have dental floss wider. In Texas, it
will take you three days and an afternoon to get across one."
"Those cattle are puny, wouldn't even make good beef jerky. You should
see the longhorns in Texas."
"Is that an office building or did someone turn a cardboard box upside
down and put a trademark on it? In Texas, we have skyscrapers that would
put all these stacked on top of one another to shame."
The driver was very upset by this time and was just about let him have
it when a kangaroo jumped across in front of the car, causing the driver
to hit the brakes quickly.
The Texan was badly shaken and being somewhat uneducated in the case of
fauna, asked "What was that?"
The Aussie shrugged and said, "Damn grasshoppers. "
************
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a
tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being
such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other
for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said
the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra -Two
tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well
this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs
once in a lifetime. So I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife
who is 30 years younger than me".
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -
abracadabra! - The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story..... Men might be ungrateful idiots.... But
fairies are......female.


The day after a man lost his wife in a freak scuba diving accident, he
was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr Wilkins, but we have some
information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
One of the policemen says, "We have some bad news, some good news, and
some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr Wilkins says, "Go Ahead. Give me the bad news
first."
The policeman says, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh, my gosh!" says Mr Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering
what the policeman had said, he asked, "So, what's the good news?"
"Well," the policeman says, "when we pulled her up she had two
five-pound lobsters and a dozen good-size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr Wilkins
demanded.
The policeman replies. . .
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
************
A young woman has just given birth to her son, but the Doctor won't let her
see him.
"I'm afraid", says the Doctor, "that he's a litle disabled..."
But the woman, her mind filling with love for her new son, demands to see
him. Sure enough, the Doctor shows her her baby - a handsome, healthy
boy - but - just a head. He has no body....
"I know he's lacking in some limbs," , says the Doctor, " (like all four),
but he is a minor miracle - he is in perfect health..."
So, the woman and her husband take him home, call him 'Eddie', and set about
building a normal, healthy family life.

Ediie's first, second, third and fourth birthdays come and go without a
hitch.
Then comes his fifth. His mother is looking for him to come and open his
birthday present.
"Where's Eddie?", she asks her husband.
"Oh, he's having a roll in the garden".
She goes into the garden, and shouts "Eddie, Eddie!"
"What Mum?"
"It's your birthday, Eddie"
"I know Mum"
"Don't you want to come and open your present?"
"Oh fuck off. It'll only be another hat."


A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race
on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their
peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a
mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to
investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate
and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had
8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8
people steering and 1 person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large
amount of money for a second opinion. They
advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough
people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management
structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area
steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering
manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1
person rowing the boat greater incentive to
work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with
meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.
There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment,
extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development
of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments
for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and
the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.


Some of you may be wondering what ever happened to some famous cartoon
characters after they made their big splash. Well, I caught up with a few of
them, and these are some of the results:
The Grinch
Changed his name to Gingrich and became Speaker of the House.
Frosty the Snowman (my personal favorite)
Became Frosty the Snowwoman after he had his snowballs removed.
Captain Crunch
Was demoted to Sargeant Crunch due to a decline in sales.
Charlie Brown
Was fired as a spokesman for Rogaine after he discovered the stuff didn't
work for him.
Snow White
Fired by the head of DisneyWorld after she said she was feeling Bashful.
************
Dictionary Of Dating
ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT1st SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely
choosy people meet.

DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy
to
get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the
present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special
pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman
have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located
in her chest.

FRIEND a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw
which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by
the
man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the
talking.

IRRITATING HABIT what the endearing little qualities that initially attract
two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is directly
proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than
he does.

SOBER condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love



Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed
a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein,
the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have
Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.
A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and
it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No,
no,no, for the Son of God ? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a
small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention
that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor ? "

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, and extolled the virtues
of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through
Jerusalem , He happened to walk past Finkelstein' s shop and noted a huge
line of people waiting for Finkelstein' s robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as
soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what
you've done for my business ! Would you consider a partnership ? "

"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After
all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately
fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein' s
shop.

Can you guess what it read ?


Are you sure you want to know ?


Here it comes...

Don't say you weren't warned......





Lord & Taylor

OH, DON'T WHINE & MOAN! You know you're going to pass it on.












All from BLUE COLLAR TV:

Things you don't want to hear from another person the first time s/he
sees you naked:

Just how MANY times were you circumsized?

If that thing moves, I swear, I'm gonna shoot it!

On second thought, I think I WILL have that drink.

I'm no expert, but shouldn't there be only two of those?

I don't believe I've ever seen a pair of those that long!

Wow! Smoking really DOES stunt your growth, doesn't it?

Isn't that supposed to be on the other side?

That reminds me! Who's up for shrimp?