Thursday, November 30, 2006
Busy Blog day Today
Scroll down for fun this post will be toward the
Andrew-tide, Feast day of St Andrew the Apostle
St Andrew the King
Three weeks and three days before Christmas begins.
So goes the old English saying. Today is St Andrew's Day (Andrew-tide or Andrewtide is the season in British parlance) in both the Western and Eastern Chrsitian traditions. Saint Andrew, one of the twelve apostles of Jesus Christ and the brother of Simon (later the Apostle Peter), was a Galilean fisherman of Bethsaida, and originally a disciple of John the Baptist. In the Gospel of John (1:35-42), Andrew was the first called of Jesus’ disciples.
According to tradition, Andrew was crucified at Patmos, in Achaia, on the Cross Saltire, or X-shaped cross, the form of which became known as St Andrew's Cross, which is still on the Scottish (pictured above right) and British flags. The Saltire is also called the Boundary Cross (because it was used by the Romans as a barrier) and the crux decussata. Andrew's cross is the same as the cross of Wotan (Odin/Woden) which Norse invaders of Scotland carried. In Scotland it became the national symbol, as Andrew the national patron saint. Waverly Fitzgerald points out, “The cross saltire, is also a sun symbol, which looks similar to a Catherine wheel or the rune of Gefjon, the Giver, which is associated with Freya, the great Scandinavian goddess who is much honored at wintertide.”
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"
The soldiers were tired and lonely after spending weeks
behind enemy lines . To entertain them upon ther return
the Major ordered a USO show for his troops with a new
hot belly-dancer number from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the
soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer
bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the
applause went onand on. The Major had to come on stage and
ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance
naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise
to bring the roof down.
But ten minutes later, when she came backstage, after her
dance, there wasn't any clapping.
The Major asked her, "What happened? How come there was
no clapping this time?"
She replied, "Major, now how do you expect those poor boys to
be able to clap with one hand ?" !!
The Onions & The Christmas Trees The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father,surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, " Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, It's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??" "Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Two very elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it figured maybe he had a cold or some such ailment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you???" Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail???," cried Sam!! "What in the world for???" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" Yeah" said Sam, I remember her. What about her?" "Well one day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled "guilty" and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Hmmm,!" the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.
State legislators are merely politicians whose darkest secret prevents them from running for a higher office.
- Dennis Miller
Only two things in life are certain, death and that twinkies will out last you.
- Mark Franklin
If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that to us, do they?
- George Carlin
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late.
- Henny Youngman
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'
- Jerry Seinfeld
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
We had gay robbers last night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- Robin Williams
If your lips are extended beyond your nose then you are about to do something rude.
- Scott Adams
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
- Oscar Wilde
The clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain
Space is a dangerous place, especially when it's
between one's ears.
I have a game plan. I just don't have a game.
Better living through denial.
Welcome to Earth, a subsidiary of microsoft.
Rest assured that all your effort and hard work
will go unnoticed.
A man is having a tough day and stretches himself out on the couch to do a bit of what he believes to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. He moans to his wife, "Nobody loves me. The whole world hates me." His wife, busily occupied with other things, hardly looks up. "That's not true, dear. Some people don't even know you."
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELLTHEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO .
FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK !
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'TWANT TO FIX STEPS ! HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS....... ......... ......... ......... .. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME . AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, ANDALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
What Does Your Birthday Mean
|Your Birthdate: July 7|
You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy.
And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you.
Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights.
You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice!
Your strength: Your self sufficiency
Your weakness: You despise authority
Your power color: Maroon
Your power symbol: Hammer
Your power month: July
Mo White Trash Wednesday
"Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream."
The Bacon Tree
Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.
"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" Asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. "So why did he say not to go there?" A person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jews- they have a thing about pork."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew. Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."
The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree...
(Are you ready?) You'll love this!!!!!
* "It vuz a ham bush."
DON'T FART IN BED"
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
have never understood why the s*xual urge of men and women differ so much...
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT ? What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit".
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing s*xual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.
" And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having s*x tonight either.
"You know you're a redneck if......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it when he was doing time in the state pen.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV s its on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does 100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because yo u were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65
Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five
good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps; five
bad bridesmaids did not.
The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always end
on a high note.
Last Sunday the priest ended with...
"Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids
or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids? "
I wasn't the only one who got it wrong!
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to
stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he
couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see
a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one
Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he
was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where
her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers,
she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the
bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After
years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror! on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The "cow" starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset
and throws him out he goes and sits outside the class and can't stop
The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says,
"Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing ?" Little Johnny
says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out"
The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing ?"
Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class
smelling my fart and they put me outside in this beautiful weather"
A little boy is walking to school one day and hears some kids talking
about the yellow flower. He decides he wants to find out what it is. He
gets to school and says to his teacher, "I was on my way to school and I
heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. What is it?" His
teacher says, "I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my classroom! Go
to the principal's office!" The little boy goes up to the principal's
office, and the principal asks him, "What are you doing up here, son?"
The little boy replies, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids
talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was and she
sent me up here. What is it?" The principal says, "I will not have that
kind of talk in my school! You are expelled from this school and every
other school in the state! Get out!" So the little boy goes home. His
mother asks, "What are you doing home so early?" "I was on my way to
school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my
teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, and the
principal expelled me from every school in the state. What is the yellow
flower?" His mother says, "Go up to your room! You're going to bed
without dinner. I'll send your father up to talk to you when he gets
home." So the little boy goes up to his room, soon after, his dad gets
home from work. He goes up to the boy's room and says, "Your mom tells
me you've been a bad boy. What did you do?" "Well, I was on my way to
school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my
teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, the
principal expelled me from every school in the state, and mom sent me to
bed without dinner. What's the yellow flower?" His dad says, "Get out of
my house son! I don't ever want to see you again!" The little boy is
walking down the street, and a few hours later a policeman stops him. He
asks him why he is walking by himself so late at night. The little boy
says, "Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking
about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me
to the principal's office, the principal expelled me from every school
in the state, mom sent me to bed without dinner, and dad kicked me out
of the house. Can you tell me what the yellow flower is?" The policeman
says, "That's enough of that! You're going to jail for 99 years!" 99
years later, he comes back an old man, and decides he wants to try to
find out what the yellow flower is. So he heads to his old school where
it all started. As he is crossing the street, he gets hit by a car and
dies. What's the moral of the story? Look both ways before crossing the
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We
have naively thought it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in
Washington. When one of these women get married, on her wedding night
the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a
convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in Texas or possibly
The old panhandler living in New York heard that his brother was
very sick in Los Angeles. By working day and night for a week, he was
able to beg enough to buy his airplane ticket. He arrives at Kennedy
Airport, goes to the ticket counter, and plunks down all the money.
The clerk at the counter counts it and says to the man, "I'm
sorry sir, but you're a nickel short."
The panhandler tells the clerk that he'll be right back. He runs
out in front of the terminal and stops the first man he sees. "Mister,
can you let me have a nickel, so I can get to California?"
The stranger flips him a quarter and says, "Here, take four of
Having been married ten years and still living in an
apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was
tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home."
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within
their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining
"Honey," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are
no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take
"Don't worry," replied her husband. "If the neighbors DO see
you, they'll buy curtains. Maybe for us, too!"
When his dachshund had puppies, there was a Texas boy who was trying to
figure out how to find homes for the puppies. He asked his mother if
had any unique ideas, but she replied that she didn't.
Waiting 'til his father got home from work, he said, "Dad, I
heard a cowboy song today that gave me an idea how to find a home for
The father said, "Oh, really son? What's that?"
The boy replied, "I need you to make a sign up for me, because I
can't write too well.... but what it would say is 'Whoopie-ty- yi-yo, get
a L O N G little doggie!' Can you make the sign for me, Dad?"
You might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers if... If yer
computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and
cinderblocks. Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin'
organization. Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they
need bail money. Ya've ever been too drunk to chat. Ya think a hard
drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's. Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spit
can. Ya think a surge suppressor is a pill for diarrhea. Ya keep trying
to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls. Ya think
a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds. Ya have to ask someone how to
spell LOL. Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin'
bin. Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote. Ya try to figure
out how yer floppy disk got hard. Ya play Frisbee with yer CD Rom's. Ya
find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give it
back! Give it Back'. When birds fly across yer screen ya reach for yer
shotgun. Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks. Ya
use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder. Ya call tech support an ask where
ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail. Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live. Ya give directions to a
website that include a person, animal, or old barn. Ya see the word
Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun. Ya think the person
that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order. Ya see
the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears. Ya see the
word "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft. Yer puter has a bumper
sticker on it. Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape. Ya
sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
White Trash Wednesday Begins
Once again, the happy holidays are upon us. We have so many things to appreciate. Ernie got a promotion to French fry specialist at the fast-food joint, so we were able to purchase two more buckets at the flea market. We now have enough for all the holes in the leaking roof. We've actually collected so much water that we can flush the toilets everyday.
The Feds found this years marijuana crop before we could harvest it all, but we should make it through the winter with the profits from the still. Jimmy got out on good behavior just in time for Christmas and the birth of his fifth child. Fortunately, all four mothers have stopped fighting over him. Junior ran off again, and it gets harder and harder for the sheriff to look for him. Just because he is 35, doesn't mean he can take care of himself.
I hope that the holidays find you whole and happy. I don't understand why the family reunion announcements again didn't reach us until after the event.
---Bertha Mae, Bob, Jimmy, Junior and all the Grandkids
The pastor had launched into one of his "Best Ever" messages.
He was about half done, at the 45-minute mark and just getting to the
"good part," when a member of his congregation died.
Rushing to his office, he dialed 911.
When the ambulance arrived, the paramedics carried out
51 people before they finally got one who didn't wake up
when they got him to fresh air.
Three women are discussing sex and birth control.
The first woman says, 'We're Catholic, so we can't use it.' The second woman says, `I'm also Catholic, but we use the rhythm method.' The third woman says, `We use the bucket-and-saucer method.' Fascinated, the other women ask for an explanation.
"Well, I'm 5' 10" and my husband is 5' 5"," the third woman says.
'We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes
get as big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him.'
A father asks his ten-year old son if he knows about the birds
and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. Oh dad," he sobbed, "at the age of six I got the 'there's no Santa'
speech. At seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at
8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're
going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got
nothing left to live for!"
A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her. "What's this for?" she asked. "It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny." A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage."Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone." "I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."
A blonde was speeding in a red Ferrari doing 90 miles an hour. A police officer saw her and pulled her over. As he was walking up to the car he notices that she is a beautiful voluptuous blonde bombshell with really sexy clothes on. He asked the blonde for her driver license, registration and insurance card. The blonde was very confused and asked the officer , "Why Officer? Did I do something wrong?" He said, "Yes mam, you were driving way over the speed limit." He again asked for her credentials. She scratched her forehead and asked the officer exactly what does a driver license look like? By now the officer is thinking "Gee, this girl is beautiful & sexy but dumb as dirt. He tells her that it has a picture of herself and it is probably in her purse. The blonde finds it, again he asks for her insurance and registration cards. Confused, she asks "What do they look like?" He tells her to look in her glove box and there they were. He walks back to the car to call in the tag number. The dispatcher asks the police officer if the woman driving is a beautiful blonde sexy bombshell "but" dumb as dirt? The officer says, "Yes! It is her!" The dispatcher tells the officer to trust him and to go back to the blonde and drop his pants! The officer says no way! Again the dispatcher says "TRUST ME" go back to the car and "DROP YOUR PANTS!" Finally the cop agrees, he walks back to the car and drops his pants. The beautiful dumb blonde looks over and says, "Oh No- Not "ANOTHER " breathalyzer. "
The Ibo tribe of Nigeria had three punishments for adulterous couples,
each increasingly ghastly. The least harsh involved tying the couple up,
putting a stake through the man into the woman, and carrying them off to
a pool filled with loathsome reptiles.
Queen Anne had a transvestite cousin, Lord Cornbury, whom she assigned
to be governor of New York and New Jersey. The colonists were not
In 1964, a jury awarded $50,000 to a woman who claimed a cable car
accident in San Francisco had made her into a nymphomaniac.
One expert says that in New Guinea, women are only attracted to men who
have an ampalang.
The young males of Sambia in New Guinea must perform a ritualized
homosexual act with tribe elders until they reach adulthood. When they
get older, they have sex with women, during which they hold their noses
with clothespin like devices.
A favorite hangout for prostitutes in 17th century London was St. John's
Park. Even though the gates were locked at 10 p.m., 6,500 people had
authorized keys (many unauthorized keys were also in circulation. At the
time, London had about 50,000 prostitutes.
Some Romanian villagers sing a song that accompanies a traditional goat
dance. The lyrics to the song are so sexually suggestive that Cable News
Network refuses to translate them.
According to Blitz Magazine in Bombay, India, 28 year old Nagaba
Jugalgiri pulled a car with his penis in front of Mahalakshmi Temple in
protest of India's 1989 oil crisis.
Kellogg's Corn Flakes were invented by a Dr. Kellogg in hopes that they
would reduce masturbation.
In 1746, a special hospital for the treatment of venereal diseases known
as a "lock hospital" was opened on Harrow Road in London. In medieval
times, lock hospitals only housed lepers.
According The Solitary Vice, a book for doctors that came out in the
1890s, women who masturbate tend to eat a lot of foods containing
mustard and vinegar.
Cleopatra had stones inserted in her vagina to prevent her from getting
One punishment for an adulterous wife in medieval France was to make her
chase a chicken through town naked.
Simone de Beauvoir had her first orgasm thanks to Nelson Algren.
As late as 1940, a candidate for the U.S. Naval Academy was rejected if
it was discovered that he masturbated.
According to a couple of recent biographies, Lord Baden-Powell, founder
of the Boy Scouts, was a repressed homosexual who was obsessed with
looking at photos of naked young boys.
An American urologist once bought Napoleon's penis for $40,000.
Women were discouraged from having orgasms during the Middle Ages
because it was thought that orgasms made women less capable of getting
Francis I of France once said, "Anyone who doesn't have a mistress is a
Catherine of Medici, the Italian wife of Henry II of France, organized
prostitution as an important arm of diplomacy, and employed her maids of
honor to achieve her ends
Modern France ended state regulated prostitution in 1946. The movement
was led by Marthe Richard, who later changed her opinion.
At the beginning of the 16th century, Rome had more registered
prostitutes proportionately, than Venice. Rome, which had 6,800 out of
total population of 90,000 versus Venice, which had 11,654 out of
Removing pubic hair was a fashionable sexual practice among European
women in the 16th century.
Charlemagne thought prostitution should be punishable by death in some
The missionary position was the favorite sexual position of both modern
Europeans and ancient Romans.
Cleopatra made her diaphragm from camel dung.
The modern IUD was invented in 1909.
Young was the first condom manufacturer to advertise in a major American
magazine--it was the June 1969 issue of Sport magazine and the ad was
against VD. Ironically Playboy refused to accept Young's add until 1972.
Doug and Tammy decided to take a vacation and travel
across the country and visit little known rural areas,
staying in off the beaten track motels.
They stopped their first night at a motel that must
have been at least 100 years old, and one that hadn't
had any renovations done since day one. They were
preparing themselves for bed and Doug decided to have
one last cigarette before getting in to bed, so he
left the room to go outside and have his smoke.
When Doug returned to the room, he actually started
feeling quite romantic, so he carefully opened the
door and said, "Honey? Honey?.
There was no response.
He tried again, "Honey? Hey, honey!" a bit louder this time.
Still no reply.
Finally a male voice from the blackness in front of
him said, "This ain't no beehive you damn fool, this
here's the bathroom."
A man goes into the employment office in Los Angeles, there aren't many jobs so it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something. "Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $500 a day guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses." Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up at the counter. "I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46." "Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Los Angeles. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. "You see, they supply girls who model underwear and bathing suits, and before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels." "I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job." The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Las Vegas." "Las Vegas? What do I wanna go to Vegas for?" "Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment!"
There was this man who had a 12" penis and could not find a woman who
could handle all of it. He ended up getting pretty frustrated, so he
decided to go to a whorehouse. Once inside he told the Madam, "I have an
extremely large penis, and I need a girl who can take it all."
The Madam tells him it won't be a problem, and to go upstairs and she
would send him the perfect girl. So, he went upstairs and got ready.
This wonderfully beautiful exotic woman came inside.
They started to have sex and he gave her 8 inches. She started to say,
"More cocky, more cocky." So, he gave her 2 more inches. She raised her
voice a little and started to yell, "More cocky, more cocky." So, he
decided to give it all to her. At this point she was screaming, "MORE
COCKY, MORE COCKY, MORE COCKY!!!!"
They got done and he went downstairs, looking frustrated.
The Madam asked him what was wrong. He told her, "Well, I gave her some,
and she kept asking for more and more. I gave her all I had and she did
not seem satisfied."
The Madam asked, "What gives you that impression?"
He said, "Well, she kept saying, MORE COCKY."
The Madam got a horrible look on her face and said, "Oh, no! In her
language that means "WRONG HOLE"!"
MY DAUGHTERS and I had just moved into Building D in a large apartment
complex. Soon afterward, we gave a "ladies only" lingerie-sales party
for my daughters' friends. The party was well under way when there was a
knock at the door. The young man standing there got a glimpse of
attractive young women modeling bikinis and nightgowns, and his eyes
widened. "A friend told me there might be a rental in Building G," he
stammered. I told him he had the wrong address and gave him directions.
A minute later I heard a tentative knock. It was the same young man.
"Are there any vacancies in this building?" he asked.
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending
a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect,
decided to check out the brothels nearby.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
"Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied. "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls
"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man
stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a
brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes,
sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what
cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."
"That's more like it!" the union man said. So he
handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the
room and pointed to a stunningly attractive
blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then
gesturing to an 85-year old woman in the corner,
"but according to union rules, Esther here has
@ >~~,~~'~~ ~~`~,~~~<@
During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS. After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiancée wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents' home in the country so they could meet him. When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival. It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancée was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility. Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all. When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer's office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding. "At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate. The big difference would be after the wedding. You will both have connecting rooms in the Claridge. You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pajamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms. You will rap on the door. She will answer, 'yes,' and you will say, 'I offer you my honor.' She will respond, 'I honor your offer.' That is your permission to enter her room. After that, it's honor and offer All night."
Rant from the Rocker The New untouchables
This is what I will say with repect because of who I am not who they are. Murtha, Rangel, Kerry and McCain thank you for your service what ever it was.
Now shut the F*ck up sit down and leave the men and women in the military alone. You sirs are the reason the enemy has a renewed bounce in his step today.
You sirs have aligned yourselves with the enemy and you continue to comfort the terrorists, encourage the terrorists. These are the new untouchables.
I am sick and tired of everyone giving these men a pass just because they were in the military. Sorry but hard hearted Hanna here don't see this with rose colored glasses.
These men are traitors and teasonsous. They deserve to be stripped of any power and sent to the nearest jr play pen or some nice nursing home and plied with plenty of meds.
If no one else will say it, I will. There comes a time that the free passes should be revoked. Just exactly what did John Murtha do to get him his pass? Does he have any more courage than any of the hero's of today?
John Kerry was and is a joke. He is a communist plain and simple. He shows no allegience to this nation.
Okay McCain was a prisoner of war I got that part. He has ran as some untouchable hero for years now. What is he doing to better this naiton????
Murtha is like an old bull thats been put out to pasture he bellows and all the herd snickers. Rangel well he is what???? Is he helping the black families? Yea I am sure he will if the draft were re-instated.
Well I have a news flash for you folks. The man called Al Capone was hero to thousands. Hitler was hero to hundreds of thousands. They were wrong. Just like theses politicians, I have named here are wrong its time for us to tell them to shut up sit down and go away.
We have revoked their hall passes.
There are millions of Vets that have differing opinions than these men. Yet we don't get to hear or read those opinions unless we search them out. These men and women are ignored why? My thoughts are they are the ones that really earned the ribbons and medals. Just like our men and women are doing in this war on terror. So I encourage everyone to tell these men shut up.
Meanwhile Iran tells Talabani that US-led forces must leave Iraq...
How the imams terrorized US Airways Flight...
And the list goes on..........
KerryAt VietNam memorial in nam.
namvets.com Welcome home Brothers and Sisters!
U.S. Sen. John McCain is no War Hero
The War Secrets Sen. John McCain Hides
Former POW Fights Public Access to POW/MIA FilesApril 25, 2000By Sydney Schanberg