White Reash Wed (R)ated
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch
rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing
about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to
Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when
we first started dating and you used to just casually
reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over
at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther,
"Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged,
you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on
the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma
and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you
remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind
of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed
into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where
are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am
I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young
polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you
are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked
his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said
his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his
parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all
polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother.
"Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing.
One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on
top... The mouth said, ''I should be on top because, without me, you
wouldn't be able to eat.'' Then the stomach said, ''Ya but if it weren't
for me, you wouldn't be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and
vitamins throughout the body, I should be on top.'' Then the heart said,
''I should be on top because I'm the one who takes the blood from point
A to point B. Without me, the body would die.'' Then the brain said, ''
Well, without me, you wouldn't be able to move, eat, digest or allow
circulation of blood, so I should be on top.'' Now, the asshole was
beginning to get annoyed, ''You know, I should be on top because
I can just shut my hole and then shit will accumulate and block the
digestive track and screw all of you up.'' It was chaos, everyone was
yelling and fighting. Finally, the asshole got fed up, ''That's it, I'm
up, I'm shutting up my hole.''
So for a few days, the body couldn't shit and the brain had trouble
moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow
going, everyone was begging the asshole to open up, The brain said,
''Please open up, you made your point, your on top, just open up.''
The asshole smiled, ''So everyone agrees that I'm on top?'' ''YES''
everyone shouted. ''OK!'' so the asshole opened up and the body
could shit again. The moral of this story is, you have to be an asshole
be on top....
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local
town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we
never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower
"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,
completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front
door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall
followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by
a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement! "
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said,
"I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at
the same time".
The husband thought for a few moments, then said,
"Your pussy is tighter than your sister's".
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
One day, an African chief's wife gave birth to a white child and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously. "You have been having sex with my wife," he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, attempting to wriggle out of the difficult situation explained Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful black man. "You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the chief's herd, "Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them." "OK! OK!" said the chief. "You keep your mouth shut and so will I."
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."
One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class. The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger than the previous day. Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the blackboard: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Q. What did the blonde's mum say to her before her date? A. If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was. "Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a man?" "My, yes," the recruit giggled, "but it would take days and days."
Thought for the Day: To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for." - James H. Boren
--- A Swiss scientist has invented a new bra! It offers more support which will prevent a woman's breasts from bouncing around, and will keep her nipples hidden...... ....even in cold temperatures.... After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a large group of men beat the shit out of him.
A man goes into a hamburger stand and orders a burger. The waitress takes out two frozen patties and sticks them under her arms. The man says "What the hell are you doing?!" She replies "I'm defrosting them!" The other guy at the counter says, "In that case, you can cancel my fuckin' hotdog!"
A Classic... A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." The lady was infuriated and said, "You foul-mouthed swine! "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastor's son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell." "No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?" "Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night."
A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by. Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most. "The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"
When Doug returned to the house one evening, his wife Tammy announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said Doug very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "You're damn right it wasn't," Tammy said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we took from the Hotel while we were on vacation."
Little Johnny had a first date lined up with a
woman he had been
after for quite a while. When she finally consented
to go out with
him, he wanted to plan the most romantic evening
He picked her up at her apartment, and then drove
out to the beach.
Little Johnny had prepared very carefully for
this date and brought
out a blanket for them to sit upon the sand and a
bottle of the
finest wine. The moonlight was shining down on
them and Little Johnny
poured his date some wine. He handed her the
glass, looked lovingly
in to her eyes and said,
"Now this is what I call romantic. The waves
crashing on the shore,
the moonlight in your eyes, a warm tropical
breeze, a bottle of
wine.....," he takes a sip of wine and says,
"Oh and by the way...do
you Spit or Swallow?
A girl says to her date, "You're in for a
real treat. I've been told
that I have a body just like New Jersey."
So, her date grabs her
waist and asks, "What's this?"
She replies, "This is Middlesex."
He grabs her butt and asks, "What's this?
She replies "Freehold."
Then he grabs her breast and asks, "What's this?"
She replies "Point Pleasant."
Finally, he reaches! between her thighs and says,
"I guess this is Cherry Hill?"
"No", She replies, "That's Eatontown."
The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his
pants and says, "Welcome to Wildwood!"
Heh! Manuel! 'Ow are you?"
"Verrry wella. 'Ow are you, Pepe?"
"Soooo happy! I am married, my wife is da mosta
beautifool woooman in da world! She cooksa mosta
tasty chillie, she isa da besta 'ousekeeper,
you musta come an' see 'er. There's justa one
thinga, she is a mute, she cannotta speaka at all."
A couple of days later Pepe sees Manuel.
"Hey, Manuel, 'ave you seena my wife?"
"And whatta you thinka?"
"She is DISGUSTING!"
"Disgusting? My Chiquita? Why?"
"I wentta to see you. I politely said to 'er ,
'My name is Manuel.
I 'ave come to see Pepe. Is he at 'ome? Where
is he?' So, she turns her back to me,
she lifta 'er skirt up, bends forward, and she
isn't wearing anything underneatha! Then, she
showsa me the coffee pot. Disgusting."
"Nah, she is not disgusting, she was telling
you, 'That asshole is ina da cafe'."
John walked into a bar in Louisville, Kentucky and ordered a drink.
While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V.,
one of Hillary's political ads came on.
After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone,
"Hillary is a horse's ass!"
Clancy the bartender reached under the bar
and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long
and hit John square across the mouth,
knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.
After a minute or two, John got up,
straightened himself up and said to Clancy,
"I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."
"It's not!" replied Clancy.
"This is horse country!"