An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
"Want coffee." The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ...
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.
A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!
One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... My bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times. I liked it."
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
Section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks
to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for
Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first Class who
in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The Co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that she
Only paid for Economy and she will have to leave and return to her
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Houston and I'm staying right here.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably
should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The Pilot says, 'You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this.
I'm married to a blonde. I speak Blonde.'
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and
She says, 'Oh, I'm sorry.' And she gets up and goes back to her seat
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston."
Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and
arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael
approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather
than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped
to ask a question.
"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf
course you have here" he said to St. Peter.
"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.
"But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed "Well if I can't
see it, then I'm not coming in!"
"Very well Michael. As you wish...look through the gates." He looked and
saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him
sick to his stomach.
"Forget it. There is no way in Hell I'm going to spend eternity playing
on that course!"
Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. "Come over
here and see what I have to offer." Michael peers through the gate and
he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has
ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says "I want to play THAT course!"
"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."
St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the
gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said "I
can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared with
laughter. "Oh, there aren't any."
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our
church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.
One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel,
the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an
emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He
said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the
good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that
he would be able to do the story time after all.
He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed
lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the
sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off
and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were
the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic
gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the
sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, "Jesus,
Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy,
"Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug "I guess
you must be a sheep dog."
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to
meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains
were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use
the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone
the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box
and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester."This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck
Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank
than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade.
Q. What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A. A sex-change operation.
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors,
and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between
his neck and the noose.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. Q. How
do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time
they see a bikini. Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A.
Make him wear shoes.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end
of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? A. Big
Foot's been spotted a several times. Q. What's the smartest thing a man
can say? A. "My wife says..." Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A.
Because they're all pigs. Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger
make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end
they need to wipe.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
After his attorney's motion to suppress evidence was denied by the court
John spoke up,
"Your Honor," he said, "What would you do if I called you a stupid,
degenerate, old fool!"
The Judge really angered, revered,
"I would hold you in contempt of Court and see to have you put in jail
for the longest time allowed by law!"
Quickly thinking, John's shocked attorney, asked,
"What if he only 'thought' it, Your Honor?"
"In that case, there is nothing I could do, he has the right to think
whatever he wishes." replied the Judge.
"Oh I see," said john, "then, if it pleases the court, let the record
reflect that I 'think' you're a stupid, degenerate, old fool!"
Daffynitions Not Found in Webster's. . . .
Secret: what we tell everyone not to tell anyone.
Hospital: where you might wind up if you get run down.
Nudist: a person who is never clothes-minded.
Tension: what the sergeant shouts to the troops.
Bargain Basement: a place where what you seize is what you get.
Zinc: what you do if you can't zwim.
Paralyze: a couple of fibs.
Bacteria: rear entrance to a cafeteria.
Seamstress: a real material girl.
Diploma: the person you call when your toilet backs up.
Operetta: an employee of the phone company.
Calculator: a product you can count on.
Microwave: a head full of tiny curls.
Jail cell: a bar room.
Golf cart: a vehicle with a fore cylinder engine.
Minister: a man who is the soul support of his family.
Cashew: the noise a nut makes when it sneezes.
Stupendous: advanced stupidity.
Hurricane: what Abel said to his brother when he was late for school..
My wife's as cold as marble...... she says I take her for granite.
My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist.. ...
for most of their mrried life they fought tooth and nail.
I used to run a doughnut shop but I got tired of the hole business.
Mrs Gumbo was backing out of her driveway when she heard a sickening
'thump'. She stopped the car in a panic and rushed out to see what had
happened. There, at the end of the driveway, was a small dog lying on
its side. It was dead. (okay, everybody... .'Awwwwwww! )
Mrs Gumbo felt just awful. She knew it was her neighbor's dog. Looking
very worried, she climbed the front staris of her neighbor's house and
knocked on the door. She waited for a couple of minutes. Finally, a man
"I'm soooo sorry," Mrs Gumbo said "I was backing out of my driveway just
a few minutes ago when I heard a 'thump'. I got out of my car to see
what had happened. Your dog was lying dead at the end of the driveway.
I'm afraid that I ran over her and I feel just terrible about it. I
*insist* on replacing her!"
The man paused and then said. . .
"Okay, well, I guess *you* can bring me my slippers and newspaper
tomorrow morning then."
Short and Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough
to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please
leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always
try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number
of takeoffs you make."
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know
your way around, you're not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to g ive him time to think
of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting
harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
The Java Psalm. . .
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will
fear no Equal(tm): For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar, they
comfort me. Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The
Starbucks; Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life, and I
will dwell in the House of Mocha forever.