This Should Make Ya Smile
My car broke down, Officer"
A lady has a breakdown and pulls to the side of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two
cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle
facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly
enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!" asks the Officer...
"Emergency flashers -- what else?" she replied.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.
Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes
Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini
Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy
Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Why do bachelors like smart women?
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.
Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.
Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.
Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.
What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.
How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.
What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days
An old man sitting on the nursing home porch in the spring sunlight
turns to the old man sitting next to him and chuckles, "Spring days
like this really take me back. Do you remember the first time you
made love to your wife?"
"Hell No", says the other fellow, "I don't even remember the LAST
At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.
"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let
you do a thing like that to me?"
Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the
s.o.b. that stole my diary..."
As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and
out of heavy traffic with complete abandon. After a few hair
raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said, "Would
you please be more careful? I have six children at home."
"Scheesch lady." murmured the cabbie. "You got six kids
and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"
Interpreting A Police Report
What the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2)
(1) While on routine patrol...
(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was
(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a
(2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-
DON'T FEED THE PIGS"
(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims
prevented this officer from doing traffic
(2) It was raining.
(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain
intelligence information from a street
(2) It was too hot to ride in the car.
(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious
(2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked
(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
(2) He puked on my uniform one night...
(1) The informant is of known credibility and has
provided reliable information in the past...
(2) I've got two theft cases hanging over his
(1) While being arrested, this subject resisted
arrest, and was injured in the act...
(2) He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirrored
(1) The motorist was cited for multiple traffic
(2) I wrote one citation for each swearword he
(1) Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a
voice from inside the house say "Come in" so
this writer entered through the door...
(2) The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have
heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.
(1) The members of the press at the scene were
offered every courtesy within departmental
(2) I sent then to a non-existent address which I
called the "Command Post."
(1) I gave the motorist a verbal warning for
(2) She was a good-looking blonde who owned a
liquor store and who was free after my shift was
(1) The Chief appeared at the scene and took
(2) I sent him to the same address as the reporters.
(1) Further interview of the witness was impossible,
due to conditions.
(2) It was my bowling night...
(1) The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred
speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled
strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
(2) He was howling at the moon and trying to drive
the car from the back seat.
(1) Using only enough force to restrain the
(2) My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through
the Goal Post of Life"
(1) The defendant asked this officer's advice on how
to act before the judge at his arraignment. ..
(2) I told him he didn't have the balls to call the
judge the same name he called me.
A drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom lady a few seats
down -- I'd estimate a 44DD bra. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a
beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the
lady's breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her
breasts. This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks
him! He's laying on the floor and moans, "Why do you let the bartender do
"Because he has a liquor license! You don't!"
It was the first time that had made love. They were
fondling each other intimately. She had his donger
in her hand.
"What do you call it?" she asked. "Some guys
call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie.
What do you call yours?"
"I don't have to call mine anything," he replied
"It usually 'cums' without being called."
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
The small girl had recently received a new watch and
some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their
family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted
so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her
mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not
interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to
disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and
whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it
laying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at
the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty
attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or Iwill
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I
don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young
alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge
explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien
off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away
in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big
green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.
"He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then
stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"
A Visual Effect
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it
as he's liable to break something. The boy continues...
"Jake!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!
Two men were on a bear hunting trip, but
one hunter decided to stay in the cabin one day,
while the other went out hunting for a bear.
The hunter soon found a huge bear,
shot at it, but only wounded it.
The wounded bear immediately charged the hunter,
so he ran for the cabin.
He ran as fast as he could, but the bear was just a
little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped
and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped
over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, ran back outside,
closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside,
"You skin this one while I go and get another one!"
A Pirate and a Land-Lubber"
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.
He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"