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This That And Frog Hair2: December 2006

Saturday, December 30, 2006

8 Simple Rules for Dieting

8 Simple Rules for Dieting
Copyright 2006 W. Bruce Cameron www.wbrucecameron.com

With every new pronouncement made by nutrition experts, it is
becoming more and more difficult for Americans to obtain a simple,
clear answer to what is, for most of us, the key question about our
diets: "How can I avoid exercise and eat lots of fatty foods and yet
still have the body of a fashion model?"

For men, of course, there is some flexibility--they don't necessarily
want to look like fashion models, they just want to date fashion
models. But women are bombarded with sexy images of female bodies
from all directions, making it sound as if every product manufactured
in the world can be enjoyed only if you are made of two-percent body
fat.

Grimly, women face the mirror and pledge that they will deny
themselves nearly all food but not chocolate. They will eat no
desserts unless it is someone's birthday or something, and they will
order nothing off a menu unless it contains the words "Chicken
Caesar."

On the other hand, most male weight-loss plans consist of lying to
their wives about what they really had for lunch. But studies have
shown that (a) many, if not most, American men need to go on a diet,
and (b) men don't care about (a). Men reason that since it is easier
for them to lose weight than it is for women, they don't need to
bother with it.

To aid dieters of all known genders, I've researched the current data
on weight loss and condensed it here, in a handy, eight-point guide.

Rule # 1:

Apparently, there is some relationship between how often you open
your mouth and how often you put food into it. To reduce your caloric
consumption, try keeping your lips together, especially when you are
in the presence of a cheese cake.

Rule # 2:

There seems to be some disagreement among scientists over what causes
fat. It has been noted that chubby laboratory rats who are fed a
steady diet of ice cream sundaes seem unreasonably joyful--so perhaps
experiencing pleasure causes weight gain. You might find that you can
drop pounds by deliberately being unhappy. Coincidentally, I can
think of no better way to make yourself miserable than to go around
hungry all the time, so you're in luck.

Rule # 3:

Dieters should remember that proteins, fats, and carbohydrates are
the building blocks of life and should be avoided at all costs.

Rule # 4:

Some people argue that the healthiest diet is the one on which our
species lived when we resided in caves and had to go everywhere on
foot, even to the drive-thru windows. We were scavengers then,
feeding off the fresh kills left by wolves. To emulate this diet in
modern times, track a couple of loose dogs through your neighborhood
and then steal and eat whatever they pull out of the trash cans.
You'll lose weight!

Rule # 5:

Chewing actually burns calories. The more you chew, the more you
lose weight. The more you eat, the more you chew. Seems pretty
logical to me.

Rule # 6:

Food is the fuel our bodies burn in order to enable us to do physical
things like using the television remote. To lose weight, consider
alternative sources of energy, like solar panels, or wind power.
(Remember those beanie caps with the propellers on top?)

Rule # 7:

My cat is very thin. It licks its fur all day and then once a week
throws up on the carpet. This would probably work for people, too,
though I don't want to be the first one on my block to try it.

Rule # 8:

Probably the biggest problem is when you go back for second helpings
at every meal. Avoid this temptation by loading your plate with
enough food the first time around.


The goal here is to get to the point where you feel good about your
body whenever you see your reflection. But nothing will work if you
don't have the courage and resolve to stick to a diet.

Or, barring that, to get rid of your mirrors.
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playing on myspace


I have been playing with MySpace. I didn't/don' t intend to really blog there. My kids have a circle of friends and family. Conservative Girl pimped the space for me. The layouts and add ons are really cool. I wish Blogger had some of the neater stuff.
I have snagged a couple of the graphics from there to post here.




Anyway Check out some of the cool Graphics and my "pimped space"







My URL
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FUNNY FOR YOU



ROTFL Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........


My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Looking back over the years

that we've been together,
Vomit
I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

///////////////

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?


//////////////

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

///////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

###############
Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.


***************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!


Toungue Out
When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.


////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?


+++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

=========
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday

So we're having you put to sleep.

)))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
Crying 1
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,
Electric
it's really good pay.








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Some Funnies


There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not
know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one
$5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes
out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new
clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for
you because I love you so much." The second one went out and
bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a
stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these
gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock
market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man
and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest
of the money for our future because I love you so much." The
man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money...
... He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest
tits...

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Last year I replaced all the windows in my
house with that expensive
double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He
was complaining that the windows had been
installed a whole year ago
and I hadn't paid for them yet
Hellloooo? Just because I'm blonde doesn't
mean that I am stupid.
So I told him just exactly what his
fast-talking sales guy had told ME
last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR
these windows would pay
for themselves! Helllooooo"? I told him
"It's been a year" !
There was only silence at the other end of the
line, so I finally
just hung up.... He hasn't called back,
probably too embarrassed
about
forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he
won't underestimate
a blonde anymore



"Kentuckys worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery." "The search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor,
were all on a flight to go home on leave after spending
time in Afghanistan.
When they landed, a man approached them and
said, "Boys, to show my thanks for serving our country
I'm gonna give you my truck to drive home so you don't
have to pay for a cab."
The guys thankfully agreed and drove off. Halfway
there, the truck broke down and they were stuck out on a
lonely stretch of road. Off in the distance they saw a
farmhouse and went to ask to use the phone.
When the man at the door answered and saw the men
in uniform, he invited them in. He said, "Boys, for serving
our country, I'll cook you a steak dinner and you can shack
up with my three daughters. You'll have to discuss amongst
yourselves who sleeps with which girl, and there's plenty
beer in the fridge."
The men ate and the first girl came down the stairs, a
very pretty girl. The fly boy jumped up and said, "She's
mine," and they went upstairs.
The second girl came down, prettier than the first. The
jarhead snatched her up and they, too, went upstairs.
The sailor waited for the last girl, sure that he would be
getting the heifer of the group. To his delight she came
down and was the finest of them all.
The next morning the farmer was cooking breakfast
when the fly boy came down, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking.
The farmer asked if he wanted breakfast, but the fly boy
said, "No, thank you, sir. You've done enough already,"
and left.
The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as
the fly boy's, but still acceptable. The farmer offered him
food, but he only drank coffee, thanked the farmer and left.
The sailor finally came down, still a little drunk,
neckerchief messed up and missing a shoe. The farmer
offered him breakfast. The sailor ate everything offered
and left without even a 'thank you.'
After they all were gone, the farmer called his girls
down. Rubbing his hands together greedily, he said, "OK,
girls, how did we do?"
The girl who had been with the airman said, "He fondled
me a little, drank a beer, fell asleep and gave me $200!"
The girl who had been with the marine said, "He made
love to me one time, had a couple beers and gave me $150."
The poor girl who had been with the sailor appeared tired
and worn out saying, "He made love to me all night, drank
the rest of the beer and I'll be damned if he didn't borrow $50
from me till next payday!"
.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
This kindergarten teacher was taking her class
to the zoo for a field trip. They came to the
cage for the zebra:

TEACHER: Who can tell me what animal this is?

JOHNNY: Well, it looks like a horse, has black
and white stripes. Must be a zebra.

TEACHER: Very good, Johnny.

They come to the elephant.

TEACHER: Class, who can tell me what animal
this is?

JANE: It has big feet, is very big and has a
trunk. Is it an elephant?

TEACHER: Very good, Jane.

They come to the baboon cage.

TEACHER: who can tell me what animal this is?

No response.

Finally Billy raised his hand reluctantly.

TEACHER: OK. Billy, would you like to try?

BILLY: Well, it has a big belly and has a lot
of hair all over, and has a stupid look on his
face... must be a truck dr
iver.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*



In bygone days, a thin man insulted a large man. The large man
challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.
On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage
held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin
man came up with a solution.
"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to
his opponent,
"and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't
count."

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

This blonde rang up the doctor & asked, "Doc, would u check if I left
my
panties behind in ur examination room?"
The doctor looked around & said,"No, they are not here." "Oh," replied
the Blonde, "then I must have left them at the dentist's."


*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

The nervous blonde sat on the dentist's chair to have her tooth
extracted. Seeing so many instruments, she got frightened. "Doc, I would rather
have a baby than have my tooth pulled out." The dentist
retorted,"Well, make up ur mind so that I can adjust the chair accordingly. "
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement.
While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies,
and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.
The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said,
"Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go
visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year."
The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of
eighteen kids in my family."
The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen
children, so the man volunteered to explain.
"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing."
Puzzlement.
Smile. "My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night, and my Dad
would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my Mom would
say, "What?"



A blonde walks into a pro shop, points to a golf club and asks the
clerk the price. The clerk looked to where she was pointing and
stated that the owner told him not to sell golf equipment to blondes
because they always seem to return the items.
The blonde left the shop, very mad, and walked down the street to a
wig shop, where she bought a brunette wig.
She returned to the pro shop and, pointing to the same golf club,
asked the clerk the price.
The clerk replied, "Sorry lady, the owner does not sell golf
equipment to blondes because of the high return rate."
"How did you know that I am a blonde," she asked.
The clerk replied, "That's a golf umbrella, not a golf club."

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the
defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the
victim asked if she could write out the answer, After reading the note the
judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it arnong the rest of
the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting
next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to fuck you like
you've never been fucked before."
The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.
"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.
"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Q: How do women get minks? A: The same way minks get minks
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

"Early today Michael Jackson met with his priest - not for spiritual advice, they went on a double date." -Jay Leno
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Roshashanna. The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you light the 8 candles?" "No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hannukah." The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you eat the unlevened bread?" "No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover. Roshashanna is the holiday when we blow the shofar." "See," the Catholic Girl replies. "That's what I like about you Jews...you're so good to your help."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"


Some of these are funny

Zen and the Wisdom of Life

( read while in a solemn mood)


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me either.

Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.

5. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
Shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you
have their shoes.

6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

7. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.

8. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
worth it.

9. A Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of bad
experience comes from bad judgment.

10. There are two theories about arguing with women.
Neither one works.

11. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.

12. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night !!!
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The Little Red Hen



The Little Red Hen

Once upon a time, on a farm in Arkansas, there was a
little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until
she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat.

She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If
we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who
will help me plant it?"

"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

And so she did; The wheat grew very tall and ripened
into golden grain.

"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red
hen.

"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification, " said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation, " said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen,
and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help
me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination, "
said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her
neighbors to see.

They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But
the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five
loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow.
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.
The pig just grunted in disdain.

And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched
around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then a government agent came, he said to the little red
hen, "You must not be so greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise
system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he
wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive
workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy
and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little
red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now
I truly understand."

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She
never again baked bread because she joined the "party"
and got her bread free.

And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared,
as long as there was free bread.
|

Follow Up

When we did the Christmas meme I wished enough here is the story I was referring too.

Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at

the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you and I WISH YOU ENOUGH". The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough.Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough too, Mom". They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would-be forever?". "Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever goodbye?". "I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral" she said. "When you were saying goodbye, I heard you say 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?". She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone". She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them". Then turning toward me she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory ---

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

She then began to cry and walked away. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. Send this to the people you will never forget and remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you. If you don't send it to anyone it may mean that you are in such a hurry that

you have forgotten your friends.

TAKE TIME TO LIVE..... To all my friends and loved ones, I WISH YOU ENOUGH!!!
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Friday, December 29, 2006

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

You Are A Fir Tree

You love anything beautiful, and you have extraordinary taste.
And while it's hard for you to trust, you care deeply for those close to you.
You are a social butterfly, and you have many friends.
You handle stress well - and you are a master at relaxing after a hard day.
Overall, you are modest, talented, unselfish, and very reliable.

Labels:

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Degrees


FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."



SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"



THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"



FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."



FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?





SIXTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."


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Breaking News

Ding Dong the Bastard is dead.
okay so that isn't very nice. No one accuses me of being nice.


Saddam Hussein 'executed in Iraq'
Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has been executed by hanging at an unspecified location, reports say.
Iraqi TV said the execution took place just before 0600 local time (0300GMT). It was witnessed by a doctor, lawyer and officials. It was also filmed. BreakingNews
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Thursday, December 28, 2006

A mess on Thursday


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, totally worn out and screaming........ "WOO HOO what a ride!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
One-Liners -------------------
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee-maker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date. People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
The night before her wedding, Rose talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honour, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to screw, mother," Rose interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagne."


Little Johnny and little Bobby and in a verbal battle, "my father is better than your father!" said Bobby.
"No, he's not!" said Johnny.
"My brother is better than your brother!" said Bobby.
"No, he's not!" said Johnny.
"My mother is better than your mother!" said Bobby.
Little Johnny paused for a moment and said: "well you've got me there. My father says the same thing."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour," testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement?" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman. So I showed her!"



An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable as St. Peter explains how Heaven works.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what's happening"?
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."
"Yes, but I've already got the holes for that."

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary who was on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
Mary looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, .........

"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the "hard earned thirst" quencher.
The genie vanished.


Dear Terri:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during
our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day
you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just
the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my
fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.
I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost
me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I
don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the
first move as long as one of us does.

It's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this
is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Terri." I look
for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're
not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her
home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate
the depth of my desperation. She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with
one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood
spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits
you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's
dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this coed, I thought,
look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so
surface. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better
in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than
my moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. And I'd never really
thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up
a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found
myself thinking, why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't
just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger,
but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it
feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same
because you weren't there, Terri, to watch. Do you know what I
mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby. Jesus, Terri,
I'm just going crazy without you.

And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol,
that single mom we met at Mt. Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops
by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't
eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant
till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know
we're fucking in our old bedroom. And this broad's a total monster
in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman
does when she's not hung up about God and her career and whether
the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting
mirror on your grandmother' s old vanity.

So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we
can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad
too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the
mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years,
and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about
later.) You know what I mean? What happened to our spontaneity? You
get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose
sight of each other. And then you lose yourself. That's the saddest
part of all for me. But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know
we can, because I only want this stuff with you.

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining
order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty
good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during
this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and
about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together,
Terri. She really is.)

So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier
times. Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although,
let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all
I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were
18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out
Shannon's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to
thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and
how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But
do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming
hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is
think of you? It's true, baby. In your heart you know it. Don't
you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances
and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if
you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much.

Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us
apart. And I can't be apart from you. Because I love you.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a three minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan


The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men. In fact,
the ratio of male to female software engineers is about 15 to 1. This
makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their
peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for
being well, a little strange. While discussing the prospect of
working in the software industry, one woman commented to another,
"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."


The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The
teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical
staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write
a note on it. The little girl went to the blackboard, looked
thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note
to tell you I'm fine."

So I take my wife to this nice Chinese place and we're sitting there,
wolfing down Moo Goo Gui Pan when, suddenly, this nice kid who's been
just sitting there having a nice meal with his parents, jumps to his
feet and pulls out a 9mm. With a scream, he starts pumping round
after round into his fried rice! Standing there, shooting his dinner.
With a sigh, his mother says, "Now, Tommy, If I've told you once,
I've told you a hundred times, stop wasting food!
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Blinkies blinkies

Snagged and Sharing







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Wednesday, December 27, 2006

'Twas the day after Christmas


'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
-
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
-
When out on the lawn there arose a clatter,
I leap from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the garden window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
-
And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck,
with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
-
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox,
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, and they still came.
Whistling an shouting he called them by name:
-
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Sears and Robinson's.
Here's Penney's, Levitz's, Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
You charged away--charged away--charged away all!"
-
Whooping an whistling as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck an drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
-
Til I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "Enjoy what you got. .
.you'll be paying all year!"
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White Trash Wed


Broke Back Mountain Lady

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for
The job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired


Signs You're Sick of the Holidays

8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes

7. You're serving reindeer pot pie

6. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"

5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun

4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.

3. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies

2. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears

1. Two words: tinsel rash
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Some facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of
Coffee.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death!

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length! It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish have no brains.

Polar bears are left-handed.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


PUNS
During the burning of Rome, the Emperor Nero engaged in a wild sex
orgy, frequently stopping to urinate. You could say that Nero
diddled, piddled and fiddled while Rome burned. (Richard Lederer)
Become an amateur gynecologist. Look up a friend today.
A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature
ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.
How do New Zealanders practice safe sex?
They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish the last movement.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for, she's going to eat me next!
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25, but deer nuts are always under a buck. (Alan
B. Combs)
Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. They're attracted by what I
don't mind. (Gypsy Rose Lee)
How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
She opens the car door.
When arrested as a Peeping Tom at the girl's dorm, what excuse did
the graduate student offer?
His graduate advisor had suggested that he study abroad this
semester. (Ken Pinkham)
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Weird Fact of the Day:
Dating back to 336 A.D., Christmas was first celebrated in ancient Rome, around 300 years after Christ's birth.

Joke of the day: Mrs. Santa Claus was seeking a divorce from an incredulous judge who asked her to explain her marital problems. ""It's that happy, jolly stuff, all year long,"" she said. ""It drives me crazy!""""All year? Why, I thought Santa's work was only in the winter,"" said the judge. ""Sure, but in summer he takes up gardening,"" Mrs. Santa replied, ""and then it's hoe, hoe, hoe all over again!"""




3 Words Test

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?"
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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The Cowboy Boots


The Cowboy Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this).

Have you heard about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergartners put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help, and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off than he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know whether she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
She will be eligible for parole in three years!
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Bobbitt Family Update

Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with
.
.
.
.

.
.
. A Misdewiener!

OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody
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Note


To all my Friends, Neighbors and blog buddies. I hope each of you had a very Happy Christmas. I have neglected this little cyber space of late not because of the Holidays. I have had more than the law should allow dumped on my plate. The day before Christmas Eve, my Dad had a mild heart attack and things spiraled from there.
Things are in check for now. I will post as I can.
Life is great and all is well.
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Working on Christmas Day


Working on Christmas Day

It was an unusually quiet day in the emergency room on December 25. Quiet, that is, except for those who were standing around the nurses' station, grumbling about having to work on Christmas Day.

I was triage nurse that day and had just been out to the waiting room to clean up. Since there were no patients waiting to be seen at the time, I came back to the nurses' station for a cup of hot cider from the crock-pot someone had brought in for Christmas. Just then, an admitting clerk came back and told me I had five patients waiting to be evaluated.

I whined, "Five, how did I get five? I was just out there and no one was in the waiting room."

Well, there are five signed in."

So, I went straight out and called the first name. Five bodies showed up at my triage desk: a pale petite woman and four small children in somewhat rumpled clothing.

"Are you all sick"? I asked suspiciously.

"Yes," she said weakly and lowered her head.

"Okay," I replied, unconvinced. "Who's first"? One by one, they sat down, and I asked the usual preliminary questions. When it came to descriptions of their presenting problems, things got a little vague. Two of the children had headaches, but the headaches weren't accompanied by the normal body language of holding the head or trying to keep it still or squinting or grimacing. Two children had earaches, but only one could tell me which ear was affected. The mother complained of a cough, but seemed to work to produce it.

Something was wrong with the picture. Our hospital policy, however, was not to turn away any patient, so we would see them. When I explained to the mother that it might be a little while before a doctor saw her, because, even though the waiting room was empty, ambulances had brought in several, more critical patients in the back. She responded, "Take your time. It's warm in here." She turned and, with a smile, guided her brood into the waiting room.

On a hunch (call it a nursing judgment), I checked the chart after the admitting clerk had finished registering the family. No address. They were homeless. The waiting room was warm.

I looked out at the family huddled by the Christmas tree. The littlest one was pointing at the television and exclaiming something to her mother. The oldest one was looking at her reflection in an ornament on the Christmas tree.

I went back to the nurses' station and mentioned we had a homeless family in the waiting room: a mother and four children between four and 10 years of age. The nurses, grumbling about working Christmas, turned to compassion for a family just trying to get warm on Christmas. The team went into action, much as we do when there's a medical emergency. But, this one was a Christmas emergency.

We were all offered a free meal in the hospital cafeteria on Christmas Day, so we claimed that meal and prepared a banquet for our Christmas guests.

We needed presents. We put together oranges and apples in a basket one of our vendors had brought the department for Christmas. We made little goodie bags of stickers we borrowed from the X-ray department, candy that one of the doctors had brought the nurses, crayons the hospital had from a recent coloring contest, nurse bear buttons the hospital had given the nurses at an annual training day and little fuzzy bears that nurses clipped onto their stethoscopes. We also found a mug, a package of powdered cocoa and a few other odds and ends. We pulled ribbon and wrapping paper and bells off the department's decorations that we had all contributed to. As seriously as we met the physical needs of the patients that came to us that day, our team worked to meet the needs, and exceed the expectations, of a family who just wanted to be warm on Christmas Day.

We took turns joining the Christmas party in the waiting room. Each nurse took his or her lunch break with the family, choosing to spend his or her "off-duty" time with these people, whose laughter and delightful chatter became quite contagious.

When it was my turn, I sat with them at the little banquet table we had created in the waiting room. We talked for awhile about dreams. The four children were telling me about what they wanted to be when they grow up. The six-year-old started the conversation. "I want to be a nurse and help people," she declared.

After the four children had shared their dreams, I looked at the mom. She smiled and said, "I just want my family to be safe, warm and content, just like they are right now."

The "party" lasted most of the shift, before we were able to locate a shelter that would take the family in on Christmas Day. The mother had asked that their charts be pulled, so these patients were not seen that day in the emergency department. But, they were treated.

As they walked to the door to leave, the four-year-old came running back, gave me a hug and whispered, "Thanks for being our angels today." As she ran back to join her family, they all waved one more time before the door closed. I turned around slowly to get back to work, a little embarrassed for the tears in my eyes. There stood a group of my co-workers, one with a box of tissues, which she passed around to each nurse who worked a Christmas Day she will never forget.
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Tuesday's Funnies



Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only
thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer
quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with
a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a
15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand
grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-blooey! Then a
car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye!
"I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time
in history.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when
Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call
his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You
are not my son."
"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands
of my adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and
this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I'll never forgive you
for making us move to Detroit."
buffalo says poor Detroit, two coaches later the few points needed each game
to become a winning team has eluded them. Last summer they tried to draft
members of Al Qaeda for their defensive line but the commissioner ruled that
exploding
linesmen were not permitted on the roster.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

There is a story of identical twins. One was a hope-filled optimist.
"Everything is coming up roses!" he would say.
The other twin was a sad and hopeless pessimist. He thought that Murphy,
as in Murphy's Law, was an optimist.
The worried parents of the boys brought them to the local psychologist.
He suggested to the parents a plan to balance the twins' personalities. . .
"On their next birthday, put them in separate rooms to open their gifts.
Give the pessimist the best toys you can afford, and give the optimist a
box of manure."
The parents followed these instructions and carefully observed the
results.
When they peeked in on the pessimist, they heard him
audibly complaining,
"I don't like the color of this computer . . I'll bet this calculator
will break . . . I don't like the game . . . I know someone who's got a
bigger toy car than this . . ."
Tip-toeing across the corridor, the parents peeked in and saw their
little optimist gleefully throwing the manure up in the air. He was
giggling.
"You can't fool me! Where there's this much manure, there's gotta be
a pony!"


Anthony and Kathy married. Anthony thought this would be a modern
marriage which meant equal roles for equal partners.
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, Anthony brought Kathy
breakfast in bed.
Kathy wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "A poached egg? I
wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, Anthony brought his true love a scrambled
egg.
Kathy wasn't having any of it. "Don't you think I like variety? I wanted
poached this morning!"
Determined to please Kathy, the next morning he brought his true love
two eggs - one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love... enjoy!"
Kathy was furious, "You scrambled the wrong egg!"

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He
can't wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally
comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how
smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail
wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with
anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands "Okay, Irving,
Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging
furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears.
He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.
Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my
tail all the time? Oy ... This constant wagging of the tail puts me in
such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that
dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it...it's too salty and it
gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try
it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me
out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's disgusting I
tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I
can't remember when!"
The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says,
"I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. Here he
is sitting on the sofa talking to us."
"I know, I know." says the owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet. He
thought I said, 'Kvetch'."


Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that the lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Shit!" says his friend. "I just joined Rotary."

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the
trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar,
drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating
a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn
to look at her. "Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys.
No, the woman shakes her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No
again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her
skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue
from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This
shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies
out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of
his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick
Maneuver, but, I never seen anybody do it."

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Four Marines are walking down the street. When they see a sign that
says "Veterans Bar" they go in. The bartender asks what they will have
and they all ask for a martini. He delivers the drinks and says, "That
will be 10 cents." They can't believe their good luck. They finish the
drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will
be 10 cents."

This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender,
"How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"

The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a
retired Navy Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a
bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open
this place for veterans. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer,
all the same."

They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't
ordered anything. They ask, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are some Army troops;
they're waiting for happy hour."

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar."
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Sunday, December 24, 2006


TWO BLONDES AND A CHRISTMAS TREE

There were two blondes who went deep into the woods searching for a
Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close
calls with hungry bears, wolves and rabbits, one blonde turned to the
other.
"I'm getting really tired. What about just chopping down the next
tree that is the right size for our living room?"

"That sounds good to me. I'm so tired I don't even care if we find
one that's decorated or not!"
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Paul Harvey Says


Paul Harvey says:

I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December. I don't agree with


Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory Of evolution.

Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer Before a football game.

So what's the big deal? It's not like somebody is up there Reading the entire book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the Players on the field and the fans going home from the game.

But it's a Christian prayer, some will argue.

Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country Founded on Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others Better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect-somebody Chanting Hare Krishna?

If I went to a football game in Jerusalem, I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.

If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.

If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.
And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit. When in Rome.......
But what about the atheists? is another argument.
What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer!
Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations.
Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating; to pray before we go to sleep.
Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying.
God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well .. just sue me.
The silent majority has been silent too long.. It's time we let that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard that the vast majority don't care what they want. It is time the majority rules! It's time we tell them, you don't have to pray; you don't have to say the pledge of allegiance; you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right.. But by golly, you are no longer going to take our rights away. We are fighting back . . and we WILL WIN!
God bless us one and all ... especially those who denounce Him. God bless America, despite all her faults. She is still the greatest nation of all.
God bless our service men who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God.
May 2006 be the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions.

Keep looking up.
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