BEST OUT-OF-OFFICE E-MAIL REPLIES
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you
if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am
out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't
have received anything at all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless
emails you send me until I return from vacation on September
30th. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted
in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been
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Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added
to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and
can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody.
Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr.
Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor'
to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time
for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost
my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya
goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a
little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to
taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!"
yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,"
said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the
doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a
new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking
had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his
mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is
jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr.
Thompson was cured and fled the room!
A study published in "Neurology" says people who snore are more prone
getting headaches. No reason is given.
But could it be on account of their spouses hitting them in the head
night long trying to get them to stop snoring?
An elderly Jewish man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken
and decides that he needs to see a doctor.
In the doctor's waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the
doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor
is a specialist.
The man replies that the doctor specializes in 'everything' .
The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if
the doctor's fees are expensive.
The man says:
"Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand
for your first visit."
The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement,
"A thousand dollars?"
The man replies,
"Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are
The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to
go in to see the doctor.
On entering the doctor's office he says casually,
"Hello doctor, here I am again!"
Growing old can be soooo hard at times....
Yesterday, I got Preparation "H" mixed up with Poli-Grip
Now I walk funny.....but my gums don't itch.
My niece bought her five-year old daughter, Kayleigh, a hamster. One
he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and
finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school,
My niece searched frantically, but sadly, never found the little
critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece
took the cage out of her room.
When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into
"We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster
again, but this time he took his cage along!"
A guy meets a childhood pal.
"What are you doing for yourself these days?"
"I'm a fireman."
"Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."
"Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to
install in your house a pole that will go to the
basement so your kid can practice, 'cause the hardest
thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and
catch that pole in the middle of the night."
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.
"Well, did your son become a fireman?"
"No, but I have two daughters who are "dancers."
Real Canadian Poutine Recipe
Predicting Weather using a Pig Spleen
http://www.almanac. com/weathercente r/pigspleen. html
http://exn.ca/ Bugs/home. cfm
http://www.agilityn ut.com/roadside. html
Two sea monsters were swimming around the ocean, looking for something
to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob,
the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and
everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling
potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything on board.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again
capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him,
"Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating
everything on board?"
"I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone
knows you can't eat just one potato ship."