This That And Frog Hair2: 8 Simple Rules for Dieting

Saturday, December 30, 2006

8 Simple Rules for Dieting

8 Simple Rules for Dieting
Copyright 2006 W. Bruce Cameron

With every new pronouncement made by nutrition experts, it is
becoming more and more difficult for Americans to obtain a simple,
clear answer to what is, for most of us, the key question about our
diets: "How can I avoid exercise and eat lots of fatty foods and yet
still have the body of a fashion model?"

For men, of course, there is some flexibility--they don't necessarily
want to look like fashion models, they just want to date fashion
models. But women are bombarded with sexy images of female bodies
from all directions, making it sound as if every product manufactured
in the world can be enjoyed only if you are made of two-percent body

Grimly, women face the mirror and pledge that they will deny
themselves nearly all food but not chocolate. They will eat no
desserts unless it is someone's birthday or something, and they will
order nothing off a menu unless it contains the words "Chicken

On the other hand, most male weight-loss plans consist of lying to
their wives about what they really had for lunch. But studies have
shown that (a) many, if not most, American men need to go on a diet,
and (b) men don't care about (a). Men reason that since it is easier
for them to lose weight than it is for women, they don't need to
bother with it.

To aid dieters of all known genders, I've researched the current data
on weight loss and condensed it here, in a handy, eight-point guide.

Rule # 1:

Apparently, there is some relationship between how often you open
your mouth and how often you put food into it. To reduce your caloric
consumption, try keeping your lips together, especially when you are
in the presence of a cheese cake.

Rule # 2:

There seems to be some disagreement among scientists over what causes
fat. It has been noted that chubby laboratory rats who are fed a
steady diet of ice cream sundaes seem unreasonably joyful--so perhaps
experiencing pleasure causes weight gain. You might find that you can
drop pounds by deliberately being unhappy. Coincidentally, I can
think of no better way to make yourself miserable than to go around
hungry all the time, so you're in luck.

Rule # 3:

Dieters should remember that proteins, fats, and carbohydrates are
the building blocks of life and should be avoided at all costs.

Rule # 4:

Some people argue that the healthiest diet is the one on which our
species lived when we resided in caves and had to go everywhere on
foot, even to the drive-thru windows. We were scavengers then,
feeding off the fresh kills left by wolves. To emulate this diet in
modern times, track a couple of loose dogs through your neighborhood
and then steal and eat whatever they pull out of the trash cans.
You'll lose weight!

Rule # 5:

Chewing actually burns calories. The more you chew, the more you
lose weight. The more you eat, the more you chew. Seems pretty
logical to me.

Rule # 6:

Food is the fuel our bodies burn in order to enable us to do physical
things like using the television remote. To lose weight, consider
alternative sources of energy, like solar panels, or wind power.
(Remember those beanie caps with the propellers on top?)

Rule # 7:

My cat is very thin. It licks its fur all day and then once a week
throws up on the carpet. This would probably work for people, too,
though I don't want to be the first one on my block to try it.

Rule # 8:

Probably the biggest problem is when you go back for second helpings
at every meal. Avoid this temptation by loading your plate with
enough food the first time around.

The goal here is to get to the point where you feel good about your
body whenever you see your reflection. But nothing will work if you
don't have the courage and resolve to stick to a diet.

Or, barring that, to get rid of your mirrors.

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This That And Frog Hair2: 8 Simple Rules for Dieting
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