Late Nite White Trash Wed.
FRACTURED CHRISTMAS CAROLS
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a young
kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
Gloria. . . . in a raunchy stable.
"While shepherds washed their socks at night"
Good Reasons why Christmas Trees are better than Men:
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even when it's lit.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
10. You only have to feed/water it once a week.
11. It's always there to light up your life.
12. It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
13. It always smells nice and doesn't pass gas.
14. If it needles you, you can toss it out.
15.It doesn't ask you to have little Christmas trees.
Barbie's Letter to Santa:
Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the
perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and
dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya',
Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around here,
or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna
be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
01. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a
hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have
nylon and Velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
02. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded
underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
03. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him,
bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a
boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HELLO!?!
04. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms
that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he
is anatomically correct.
05. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
06. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
07. A new career. Pet doctor, school teacher and make real money.
08. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a
pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
09. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a
piece of the action.
Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think
these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find
yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple. Yours truly,
Ken's Letter To Santa:
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for
changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career
changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were
made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to
take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well
as some of my own needs and desires:
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT
deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That
bitch has everything! Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy,
have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do
not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited
wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie. My
decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately squashed, which I
protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I would
like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature. Some
options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken,"
or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be considered are: "Go-Go Ken",
"Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more
accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that
have been underserved. As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she
can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.
Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the
needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action
to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget
about G.I. Joe...he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.