White Trash Wednesday Begins
Happy PC Christmas
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all; and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures, and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
A drunk was trying to make time with a pretty girl at a cocktail party, but
she wasn't having any part of him...especially the part he had in mind.
After a while, to show his contempt for her, he inquired loudly, "Tell me,
Dear, what happens when whores get pregnant?"
Amused, she answered, "Don't tell me you still think your mother found you
under a cabbage leaf!"
Gary came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Gary , "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Gary was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you' ve got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Gary was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Gary , "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Gary "Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later,an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!! !
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting:
" Gary ,wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed"
People are often unreasonable,
Illogical, and self-centered --- forgive them anyway!
If you are kind, people may accuse you
Of selfish ulterior motives --- be kind anyway!
If you are successful, you will win some false friends
And some true enemies --- succeed anyway!
If you are honest and frank,
People may cheat you --- be honest and frank
What you spend years building,
Someone could destroy overnight --- build anyway!
If you find serenity and happiness,
Many people may be jealous --- be happy anyway!
The good you do today,
People will often forget tomorrow --- do good
Give the world the best you have,
And it may never be enough ---
Give it the best you've got anyway! ~
By Mother Teresa
Two blondes, Bitzi and Buffi, were on vacation in India, and were
walking along a street in Calcutta. A frail, old woman walked by,
and Bitzi said, "Hey, Buffi, I think that's Mother Teresa!"
"Don't be silly," replied Buffi.
"I'm telling you, it's her!." exclaimed Bitzi, all excited.
So they approached the woman and Buffi said, "You're Mother
Teresa, aren't you?"
The old lady eyed them disdainfully, and said. "F**k off, you
"Jeepers," said Bitzi, "now we'll never know."
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
TEXAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R." Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's' runway 9R --Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.- -Allah is Great !!"
Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !!! "
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace.
"How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"
Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked,
"Who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.
"Johnny?" The teacher said.
"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and
then some poor, innocent kid has to memorize all about it."
SOME PEOPLE DRINK AT THE FOUNTAIN OF KNOWLEDGE, OTHERS JUST GARGLE.
"CRIMINAL LAWYER" IS A REDUNDANCY.
IS A COMPUTER VIRUS COVERED BY MEDICARE ?????
SOME PEOPLE WORK UP STEAM AND SOME ONLY GERERATE A FOG.
THE SEVERITY OF THE ITCH IS PROPORTIONAL TO THE REACH.
TO ERR IS HUMAN, BUT SCREWING UP THINGS ROYALLY REQUIRES A COMPUTER.
CAULIFLOWER IS NOTHING BUT CABBAGE WITH A COLLEGE EDUCATION. -- MARK TWAIN
WHEN A MAN IS TRYING TO SELL YOU SOMETHING, DON'T IMAGINE THAT HE IS THAT POLITE ALL THE TIME.
BETTER BY FAR THAT YOU SHOULD FORGET AND SMILE THAN THAT YOU SHOULD REMEMBER AND BE SAD.
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel."
Friends are like butt cheeks.
Crap might separate them,
But they always come back together.
THE PERSON WHO SPENDS ALL OF TODAY BRAGGING ABOUT WHAT HE IS GOING TO ACCOMPLISH TOMORROW PROBABLY DID THE VERY SAME THING YESTERDAY.
HYPOCHONDRIACS ARE JUST LIKE FISHERMEN, BECAUSE NEITHER HAVE TO CATCH ANYTHING TO BE HAPPY.
THE NICEST THING ABOUT THE FUTURE IS THAT IT ALWAYS STARTS TOMORROW.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, YOU PROBABLY DON'T HAVE ANY SENSE AT ALL.
A GOOD TIME TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT IS WHEN YOU'RE IN DEEP WATER.
BUSINESS CONVENTIONS ARE IMPORTANT BECAUSE THEY DEMONSTRATE HOW MANY PEOPLE A COMPANY CAN OPERATE WITHOUT.
WHY IS IT THAT AT CLASS REUNIONS YOU FEEL YOUNGER THAN EVERYONE ELSE LOOKS?
SCRATCH A DOG AND YOU'LL FIND A PERMANENT JOB.
THERE ARE NO NEW SINS; THE OLD ONES JUST GET MORE PUBLICITY.
THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN GETTING A CALL FOR A WRONG NUMBER AT 4 AM. IT COULD BE A RIGHT NUMBER.
I'VE REACHED THE AGE WHERE THE HAPPY HOUR IS A NAP.
Meditations For Miserable People (Who Want To Stay
If I let go of the feelings which cause me pain, I
would have no feelings at all.
If I am honest with myself, loneliness and despair are
easily within reach.
A new day can begin to suck at any time... like right
now, for instance.
Life is best measured one miserable failure at a time.
I have no "significant other" because I myself am
By writing my fears down on paper I will see not only
I am afraid of everything but I also have bad
Opportunity is nothing more than discovering a new way
Everyone makes mistakes, especially the people who
think I have a life.
Inside every problem lies the seeds to even more
Being willing to ask for help is the first step in
realizing no one wants to help a loser like me.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I
cannot change, the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know I really can't do either.
Alternative ways to say no:
I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose until the
back of his head caves in.
I'd rather wipe my butt with a cheese grater.
I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of
I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine.
I'd rather suck cow snot through a straw.
I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle in
I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back and
then find out it's the wrong one.
I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my butt
And not a twist off either.
I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer
and then wear wool socks in August.
I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs with a dull
barber's razor and no water or soap.
I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.
I'd rather nail my penis to the middle of a 2x4 and set both
ends on fire and try to get loose with a butter knife.
I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my butt and jog a mile.
I would rather make Pee Wee Herman in daylight without a bag to put over
I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank of the
700 pound man next door.
I'd rather wipe my butt with barbed wire.
I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis
then tie it in a knot.
I'd rather lick the undigested corn from a crusty
I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden then jump into
a pool filled with chlorine.
I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert with snapping
turtles clamped to my butt
I'd rather be tied to a chair and forced to listen to Barry
Manilow tunes while having my tonsils removed with a
Labels: White Trash wednesday