Sunday Funnies Pre_Christmas

The Month Before Christmas
Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.
See the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a " Holiday ".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.

Choose your words carefully, choose what you say

Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday !


A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job
interview . The interviewer decides to start with the
basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3
seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".
The interviewer tries another straight forward one to
break the ice. "And can you tell us your height,
please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape
from her handbag. She then traps one end under her
foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She
checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot
three!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for
the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our
records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about
twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to
herself, before replying "Stephanie".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage,
so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can
understand your counting on your fingers to work out
your age, and the measuring tape for your height is
obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you
your name?"
"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me
running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday
to you...'"
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TOP 14 SIGNS YOUR SWIMMING POOL NEEDS CLEANING


14. Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.

13. PH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.

12. Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it
First.

11. Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.

10. New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to
Your backyard.

9. That green tarp covering your pool? Look again, Sparky.

8. Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to
Unacceptable levels.

7. The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.

6. "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.

5. You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of
Gus.

4. Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at pool side.

3. Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro
Man's chest x-ray.

2. You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last
Movie.

And the Number 1 Sign Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning...

1. The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin
Williams a run for his money.



Christmas in West Virginia
Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said, "Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells. Some
Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies, And a Nascar T-shirt in
Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!
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Top Ten Gifts Your Wife Doesn't Want For Christmas*
(okay, men....pay attention here if you want to see the light of
day on Dec 26)

10. A car wash kit

9. A table saw

8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City's Home Theatre Installation
Seminar

7. A case of oil

6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated

5. Custom engraved bowling ball

4. New outboard motor for fishing boat

3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD

2. New satellite dish with sports package

1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic




There are two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been
separated from their unit and are lost.
They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and
are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from
dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a
big, bustling market laid out before them.
Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but
as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they
eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to
the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert
for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die
soon unless you have some you can sell us. Tell us, do you have any
sustenance for us?"
The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French
legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls
full of jelly,topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled
with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake."
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to
the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine
foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert
for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which
are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can
sell us some skins of water."
The stallholder looked at them embarressed, and confessed "Gentlemen,
tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to
life for which you ask me. All I have to sell is this large bowl of
jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundereds and
thousands of pieces of fruit and cake, with a little cocktail cherry
in the middle at the top, there," he said, pointing out the glace
cherry. "I cannot help you."
The legionnaires look at each other in desparation, and run on to the
next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look, mate,we need
water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and
need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?"
The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he
confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly,
with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and
cake. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and
lingering death through dehydration. "
The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went
through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether
they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives,
but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a
bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands of
pieces of fruit and cake.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the
desert market and walked off into the setting sun.
As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really
odd, a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was
bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of
pieces of fruit and cake."
The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a
trifle bazaar."


A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to
see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah,
and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then, he tells me last week he
has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I ever go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too,
brought my boy up in the faith, put him through the University; he cost
me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a
Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the father.
"God said,
'Funny you should come to me...' "
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Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon, an Ohio State fan, a
Michigan fan, a Notre Dame fan, and a Penn State fan.
They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them
was the most "die-hard" fan.
Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Notre Dame fan proclaimed to
the other four..."This is for the Fighting Irish!" and promptly threw
himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice.
Not to be outdone by a Notre Dame fan, the Penn State fan jumped up and
shouted..."This is for the Nittany Lions!" and then threw himself off
the mountain.
Refusing to be outdone by the Notre Dame and Penn State fans, the
Michigan fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs "This
is for the Wolverines!" and without any hesitation, pushed the Ohio State fan off the mountain.


Abe was well known for his cheapness and his 'eye for
a bargain'. One day he was looking for a cheap wedding
present for his niece, so he went into a thrift shop.
As he was walking around, he noticed what was
previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in
the corner. It was in 3 pieces. After some haggling
with the owner, Abe bought the broken vase for $5. He
then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his
niece's name and address and gave the owner another $5
so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and
mailed. Abe then left the shop feeling quite pleased
with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase
had broken in the mail.
A few days later, he called his niece to see if the
present had arrived.
"Yes, Uncle Abe, but unfortunately, it was in 3 pieces
when it was delivered."
"What terrible luck." said Abe, "The Post Office is
getting worse all the time."
"It's a shame," she replied. "It was so beautifully
wrapped. Each piece separately."
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1. Electric Christmas tree lights were first used in:

A) 1492
B) 1895
C) 1944
D) 1976

2. The poinsettia, a traditional Christmas flower, originally grew in
which country?

A) Canada
B) China
C) Mexico
D) Spain

3. Which name does NOT belong to one of Santa's reindeer?

A) Comet
B) Prancer
C) Blitzen
D) Klaxon

4. The real St. Nicholas lived:

A) At the North Pole
B) On the island of Malta
C) In Turkey
D) In Holland

5. At Christmas, it is customary to exchange kisses beneath
a sprig of which plant?

A) Ivy
B) Yew
C) Holly
D) Mistletoe

6. Believe it or not, one Indiana town is called:

A) Christmasville
B) Wenceslas
C) Noel
D) Santa Claus

7. Which popular Christmas song was actually written for Thanksgiving?

A) Away in a Manger
B) Frosty the Snowman
C) Jingle Bells
D) Joy to the World

8. The poem commonly known as The Night Before Christmas
was originally titled:

A) Santa's Secret Visit
B) A Visit from St. Nicholas
C) The Night Before Christmas
D) The Midnight Guest

Christmas Quiz Answers:

1. b

2. c

3. d

4. c

5. d

6. d

7. c

8. b


Marriage Proverbs for those thinking of 'tying the knot.'. . .

1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are
thunder and lightning.

2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100
grand!

4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first
year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second
year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.

5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one
thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.

7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you said. After marriage, he
will fall asleep before you finish.

8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only
one wife.

9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome,
understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but
again, the law allows only one husband.

10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that,
he is finished.
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Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along*
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter; I say "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot- dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Oh..Yeah!)