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This That And Frog Hair2: Chanukah Christmas

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Chanukah Christmas




Ever wonder about the difference between Christmas and Chanukah? My
friend Carey has the answers for us.



Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies
and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is eight days.
It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No
one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non Jewish friend asks when
Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like
idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation
from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local
Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida).


* Christmas is a major holiday.



* Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish
holidays:


They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat!!!




* Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,
stereos...



* Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or a the
collected works of the Rambam which looks impressive on the bookshelf.



* There is only one way to spell Christmas.



* No one can decide how to spell Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanukka,
Channukah,Hanukah, Hannuka.



* Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends.
Their partners expect special gifts.



* Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring
on Chanukah.



* Christmas brings enormous electric bills.



* Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous
electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the
energy crisis.



* Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come o Ye Faithful.....



* Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or about having a
party and dancing the Hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that
many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal
brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them
beautifully?



* A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of
cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive
moods.



* A home preparing for Cha nukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions.
The
home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.



* Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies.



* Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and
onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering
through the ages.



* Parents deliver to their children during Christmas.



* Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift any of the
eight nights.



* The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such
as Mary, Joseph and Jesus.


* The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah, Maccabee, and
Matta-whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side,
we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully
versed in our history.



* Many Christians believe in the virgin birth.



* Jews think, "Joseph, bubela. Snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant,
you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame God. Here's the
number of my shrink."



* In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.



* The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday.
It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur?
Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve
yourself for


27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest,
confess
your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a
mere $200 per person.

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