A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have
stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury
what she said?"
"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer. There then
followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was
Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed the question.
"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please, answer the question. What
did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December
"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."
Driving my seven-year-old to school today, I was plugging in my iPod,
and she said, "I want to hear Back in Black," from one of the Men in
Black sound tracks.
I said, "No, I'm in the mood for something classical."
"But I don't want Mozart," she replied.
"How about Rachmaninov? " I suggested, but she remained silent.
The Best of Rachmaninov started playing and she objected, "I said I
don't want to hear Mozart."
"It's not Mozart -- it's Rachmaninov, " I replied.
"Well," she said indignantly, "I don't hear the 'rock' part."
The REAL Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions,
concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
If Companies Ran Christmas
If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for
their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well.
You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it
anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced
steel counter top tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city,
take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the
first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would
interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most
everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them
since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier,
and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree
remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier
than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization'
of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..? ?
If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang
the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes.
Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would
know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted
phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments
would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an
episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national
If IRS ran Christmas...
We would have no tree.
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your
attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the
day after the January Bowl Games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an
ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device
that allowed you to play a game to shoot down virtual dragon ornaments.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an
authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would
weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster
than any other holiday during the year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all
identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let
you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or
what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they
would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.
If Wal-Mart ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to Wal-Mas.
My first mother-in-law made some comment once about marrying her son to get their last name, which was NOT Rockefeller or Trump or anything prestigious, in fact, it was the third most common name in the United States. So when we got divorced, even though we had children, I took MY name back.
When I got married the second time, I was more of a women's
libber. I didn't know if I wanted to keep my maiden name,
hyphenate, or just take my husband's last name. I was kind
of leaning towards hyphenating.
The neighbor and I were discussing it one day and her husband said, "You can't hyphenate your last name."
And I said, "Why not?"
He said, "Say your last name three times real fast."
Needless to say, I DIDN'T hyphenate!
I was flying between Toronto and Ottawa. It's only a 9 minute flight and so, to save money, I flew with a small airline in a little, twin-engine plane. About two minutes into the flight the pilot announced that we were going to have to turn back due to some engine trouble. The nervous passenger I was seated next to turned to me and said, "Oh-h-h m-m-my G-g-god. If we l-l-loose an engine, how f-f-far d-d-do you think the other o-o-one will t-t-take us?"
I told him, "One engine? Oh, I'm sure it'll take us all the way
to the scene of the crash. Hell, we'll probably make good time too. I bet we beat the paramedics there by at least a half hour!"
A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind,
I'll do it myself," lets her.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?"
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what
are mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."
Peter!" his mother scolded. "There were two cookies in the pantry this morning but now there's only one! Do you have an explanation? " Peter replied "It must have been too dark and I didn't see the other one."
The night Before Christmas -- Jewish style!
Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews
My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to got to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots--
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.
We hopped off at Park Street; the Common was bright
With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,
Then crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs,
And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.
At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate,
Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside.
Around us sat others, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu....
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare.
Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.
We tried -- how we tried! -- but, sad truth to tell,
Ten long minutes later and still hungry as well,
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.
We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched.
We noshed and we supped, we breakfastd and lunched.
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese food."
And my girlfriend -- well ... she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."
Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
" Good Yom Tov to all -- and to all a Good Night!"