Giggles for C&C Monday

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.
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I think I'll have another drink. It makes you so witty and charming."
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You know you're kinky... ...you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for. ...you realize you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year ...you start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone to ...someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and you snort and start to stamp your foot ...your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns ... and you don't eat sweets ...your toilet seat is leather. ...you have a list by the phone for the baby-sitter.... Hospital, Family, and three 24 hour locksmiths ...you join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and work with leather! ...you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs, body cavity search, humiliation scene and time in the cage. ...leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount.
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A distiller's son took his best girl upstairs to his bedroom and presented her options quite nicely, "So, what'll it be, hon? Scotch & Sofa? Or do you prefer Gin & Platonic?"
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Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
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It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class, as the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the board. The chalkboard read "T T T 1A." She looked at the children and said, " who wrote this?" Little Johnny raises his hand and says, " I did, teacher." The teacher says, "Well, what does that mean, Johnny?" Johnny answers, "It means, To The Teacher 1 Apple," and gives the teacher an apple. "Very good," says the teacher, "Thank You," The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices something written on the board. The chalkboard read "T T T 1O." She asked the children, "Who wrote this?" Then little Bobby answers, "I did, teacher." The teacher says, "Well Bobby, what does that mean?" Bobby says, "It means, To The Teacher 1 Orange," and gives the teacher an orange. "Very good, Bobby, thank you." The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed the board read, " F U C K I T". The teacher, disappointed, said, "WHO WROTE THIS!!" Then little Juanito, raises his hand and says, " I did, teacher". The teacher says, " Well, what does this mean, Juanito?" Juanito answers, " It means, From Us Chicano Kids 1 Tamale".
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One Yuppette to another: "He likes my company, and I just love his. I think it's called the First Fidelity Trust."



CATHOLIC DOG

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."


CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you ?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."


BROTHEL TRIP
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"


SENILITY

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor.
"Senility is when you forget to zip down."


PEST CONTROL
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,.."Those little bastards!"
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Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? A: 99 times out of 100 you get an onion with long ears. But 1 time out of 100 you get a piece of ass that makes your eyes water....


Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." Doctor: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "I just did, you friggin' jackass!"
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The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?" She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."
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If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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1. A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor, who gave him a monkey gland implant, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?" "We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."
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2. What'll It Be? A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde walk into a bar. For the sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated code word. The Brunette walks up to the bartender and says, "Hey give me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands her a Miller Lite. Following her, the Redhead walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a Bud Lite. Last, the Blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a Fifteen." "A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the heck is that?" "Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven."
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Retirement.. .
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell ather. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know
what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we
are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.




What do you call a formal dance for ducks?
A fowl ball.

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
She was trying to make-up her mind!

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

What is the difference between a soaking wet day and a lion with a toothache?
One is pouring with rain, the other roaring with pain

What goes tick, woof, tick, woof, tick, woof, tick, woof, tick, woof?
A watch dog


Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Why does a one-story brothel make more money than a two-story brothel?
Because there's no fucking overhead.

How did the female lawyer shock the court?
She dropped her briefs.
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Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathrom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks
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One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house
4 inches deep
.
(2) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant
.
(3) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room
.
(4) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way
.
(5) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan
.
(6) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already
too late
.
(7) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
.
(8) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies
.
(9) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old
Boy
.
(10) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence
.
(11) Super glue is forever
.
(12) No matter how much JELL-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water
.
(13) Pool filters do not like JELL-O
.
(14) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do
.
(15) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
.
(16) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
.
(17) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is
.
(18) The fire department in La Mesa, CA has a 5-minute response time
.
(19) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy
.
(20) It will, however, make cats dizzy
.
(21) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
.
(22) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.