Saturday's Funnies

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road One evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."!
"My God, what did you tell them? " asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Hellloooo? Now, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year -- namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo"? (I told him)."It's been a year!" There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up..... He hasn't called back -- probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
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A VERY BRAVE MAN WROTE THIS
(He may already be gone from us)

Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances are white."


A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad
is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter
is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all
the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when
we go to the toilet, and that is poo."The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him with watery eyes
in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
"And Tigger?"
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The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, Father" said the old man, "she started to repay me with sexual favours" The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those tense circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.""Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. However, I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"
*** ***********
A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!" The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS." Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!" fter a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!" Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!" A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"? The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."
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My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.
One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."
There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you. Someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."



A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"
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A drunk, who smelled of beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a Priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of personal hygiene." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry. I should not have come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
***
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres
of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a
month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone
knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."
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There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US .
But now a few women have entered the field.
A man goes to a female urologist for an exam.
The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today,
but this new procedure is a little different from what you
are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I
check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy obeys and says, "99!!!"
The doctor says, "Great.
Now turn over on your left side, bend your knees and again,
while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."
Again, the guy says, "99."
The doctor said, "Very good.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I am going to check your prostate with this hand and
with the other hand I am going to hold on to your "unit."
Now take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy says, "One..two... three..."



A women was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put in the laundry bag with the next collection of soiled clothes..... ... USE MORE SOAP
ON PANTIES When she got the laundry back she was still dissatisfied, so she put another note in the next collection bag that said.
USE MORE SOAP
ON PANTIES!!!!!
The Chinese laundryman became annoyed and when he delivered the clean laundry it contained a note from him.
I USED PLENTY OF SOAP ON PANTIES!!!!
USE MORE PAPER ON BUTT!
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Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning.
Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
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Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, 'I'd really like to dance with that girl.'
The other man replies, 'Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit.'
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, 'Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?'
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, 'I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance.'
So the man humbly returns to his friend.
'So what did she say?' asks the friend.
The drunk responded, 'She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants.'
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ucla study?

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.