Tuesday's Giggles

Redneck pickup lines
1) Did you fart? Cuz ya blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in 'em.
6) If you was a tree and I was a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light
switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice!"
9) I know I ain't no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I kin make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, kin you help me find him? I think he went inta
this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep 'til afternoon.
And.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts
tighten up!
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
According to unsubstantiated sources:

55 percent of women say they've faked an orgasm at one time or another.

33 percent of women admit they moan in bed, 7 percent shriek and 13 percent
laugh.

The most popular sexual position is missionary, followed by the woman on top
and "doggie style."

58 percent of women cuddle after sex, but 8 percent just "lie there
silently."

Only 4 percent think bicyclists have "attractive physiques."

30 percent say swimmers have the sexiest bodies.

28 percent have the hots for gymnasts.

22 percent like volleyball players.

But only 14 percent say sprinters get their hearts racing
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore
he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his
wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and
watched the couples around them, following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a
sugar shaker towards his wifes cup and said,
"Sugar, sugar?"
Joe thought this was great and continued to listen
around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following.
A man spooned some honey out of a bowl for his
wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly
into his young wifes eyes and said,
"Ham, pig?"


A young blonde was having problems with her first
case of hemorrhoids. With all the burning, itching
and swelling she didn't know what to do. She calls her
older blonde friend and says, "I'm itching, burning
and it's swollen - what can I do?"
The older blonde says "Hehehe, you have hemorrhoids.
I'll go down to the pharmacy and get you some
Preparation H; that will take care of your swelling
and itching. You just set still !!!!"
After about 1 hour the young blonde was still
itching and burning more and more. The older blonde
delivers the Preparation H and tells the young blonde
"Take this and you will be better in about an hour.
I'll call and check up on you in a couple of hours."
The young blonde, not reading the directions, rips
open the box and swallows the whole tube, thinking
this is the worst taste she has ever ran across her
lips. She tries to spit it out.
The phone rings and she answers, "Ssssswwwellooooo. "
It's the older blonde. She asks, "So, how are your hemorrhoids? ?"
The young blonde replies, "They still itch and burn
but I can whistle better than ever before !!!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he
patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he
gives the Irishman his attention. "And you are?" St. Peter asks.
"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.
"Hmm, O'Conlan...O' Conlan... " the gatekeeper mused,
poring over his compendious list of people and events.
"Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan, you're a member of
the Irish Republican Army."
"Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin.
"You blew up that pub in London!"
"Yeh."
"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions
transport in Northumberland. "
"Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply.
St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words,
he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in heaven !"
"Let me in? No way Pete!" says Kevin. "I come to tell you
you've all got twelve minutes to get out!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
One evening a man was at home watching TV and
eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch
them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his
wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig
it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He
called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying
they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter
came home with her date. After being informed of the
problem, their daughter's date said he could get the
peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down,
then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told
him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother
and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought
the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and
said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do
you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers...
our son in-law!"
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different
colors:
green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.
Every time the teenager looked, the
old man was staring.
The teenager finally said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man
replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if
you were my son"



The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring
Books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss
Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any
Crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any
Crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm
Getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all the fucking
Crayons?"
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A man walked into a very high-tech bar.
As he sat down on a stool he noticed that
The bartender was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and asked,
"Sir, what will you have".
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please".
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed
The best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ"
The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity,
Interstellar space travel, the latest medical break-through' s, etc.
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought
He would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat.
Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have.
"A martini please".
Again it was superb. The robot again asked.
"What is your IQ sir" .
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
The robot started discussing NASCAR racing,
The latest basketball scores, and what to expect
The Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time.
He left, returned and took a stool.
Again a martini, and the question,
"What is your IQ" This time the man drawled out,
"Uh... About 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked...
A-r-e....... .. Y-o-u-r..... .... P-e-o-p-l-e. .........
G-o-I-n-g... ........t- o........ N-o-m-I-n-a- t-e...... ....
H-I-l-l-a-r- y-?????
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Little Timmy sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly
eating a worm.
She turned pale. "No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat
worms!"
Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is
looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she isn't," said Timmy.
"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!"



Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked
by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."
"__._,_.___

Howard picked up an attractive woman who
flagged down his car in a seedy part of town.
As they rode, he asked her what she did for
a living.
She winked at him and said, "I'm a magician."
"No way," he scoffed. 'Prove it."
So she touched him on the thigh, and he turned
into a hotel.

.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-

A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed
at random.
"Salvation Army," was the answer.
"What do you do?" asked the man.
"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.
"Okay, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."

"__._,_.___

The zoology teacher ask a small boy to make a sentence using
the word "possum."

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

30 Ways A Woman Can Hurt A Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.