A father in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at
a red light where it isn't allowed. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal
turn!" the man said.
"That's OK Dad," the son says, "The police car right behind us did the
Shortly after arriving at the University of Washington, I joined some
new friends on a trip to nearby Vancouver, British Columbia. It was my
first trip outside the United States. At the border, a guard asked how
long we would stay in Canada. Knowing it would be after midnight when we
returned, I asked, "How late will we be able to get back across the
border?" "Any time, Ma'am," the guard replied. "We never close Canada."
A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce
"A what?" asks the confused parts guy.
"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."
"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"
As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" the
light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce
water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."
"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew
what I was talking about."
"Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full service parts warehouse.
It's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water
pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down on the order invoice:
Customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number . . .
Q. Why won't banks allow kangaroos to open accounts?
A. Their checks always bounce.
Q. How does a mouse feels after it takes a bath?
A. Squeaky Clean.
Q. What kind of horse makes you wake up scared?
A. A nightmare.
Q. What do you get when you cross a sheep with kung fu?
A. Lamb chops.
Q. Where did the sheep go after high school?
A. To the ewe-niversity.
Q. What do you call a go-go dancing pig?
A. Shakin' bacon.
Q. What do you get when you cross a flea with a rabbit?
A. A bugs bunny.
Q. What do you get if you cross a Jedi knight with a toad?
A. Star Warts.
Q. What goes zzub, zzub, zzub?
A. A bee flying backwards. (zzub is 'buzz' backwards)
A Ukrainian "pan" (wealthy merchant) and a Jew happen
to travel in the same compartment of a train. And, as
always in cases like this, the Ukrainian is only happy
to show his spite to everything Jewish, so this
is how their discussion goes:
Pan: "You know, sir, I have a habit of using three
sorts of newspapers when travelling: one Ukrainian
which I read, the other Russian which I use to wrap my
breakfast in, and the Jewish one which I use to wipe
myself when I use a toilet."
Jew: "Aren't you afraid, with all due respect, that
this way your behind is apt to become more clever than
My nephew works at a copy shop that provides a variety of computer services. Once, a customer brought in a snapshot he had taken of the front of his house. "Would you scan this picture onto a computer screen?" he asked my nephew.
"Then rotate it 180 degrees. I need a photo of the back of my
When I worked as a technical-support specialist for a computer
company, customer "help" calls ranged from the mundane to the
One memorable problem I had to trouble-shoot came from a man
who complained that every time he flushed his toilet, his
computer would reboot.
It turned out that he lived in a rural area with water supplied
by a well with an electric pump. Every time he flushed, it would turn on the pump,
causing a dip in the electric power, which in turn would cause
the computer to restart itself.
Each year, several giant computer expos at New York City's Jacob
Javits Convention Center attract mobs of people. I ran into a
friend the day after she had gone to one, and asked her about it.
"By the time I got there," she said, "it was so crowded you
couldn't get a nerd in edgewise."
Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines. Boudreaux was flying da
plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.
Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around an Boudreaux got
knock unconscience. Then da plane started driftin. Pierre him come run up to
da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out over da steerin wheel. Well, Pierre
don't know notin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone
and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him
knock unconscence an I don know nutin about flyin dis plane!" "Dis is da
control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry about nutin. We gonna
splain how fo
you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-on-tee! Jus leave arything
Fus, how high are you an whas you position?" Pierre though a minute,
say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."
answer da tower. "What's you altitude an where's you location?" Pierre
"Man ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Thibodeaux!" "No!No!No!" came an
exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da ground
how you plane's in relation to da airport!" Pierre start to panic by dis
time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's an mine, we got four feet off da
ground an I don believe dis plane's related to you airport!" A long
pause------- -the silence was deafenin. "We needs to know who you next of
kin is and where to send da flowers!"
The Guys' Rules:
These are guys' rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, then just do it
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth any
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as football, beer or carburetors.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have way too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
Ed, Ned, and Fred went to the Summer Olympics, but soon discovered that all the events were sold out. "I have an idea," said Ed. "Lets pose as athletes and they'll have to let us in."
The three agreed it was a good idea and so Ed decided to go first.
Running across the street to an old junk yard site, he found a cast-iron
roller. Lugging it in his hands he grunted and went past the security
guard saying, "Williams, shotput," and was admitted.
Next, Ned ran to the same site and picked up a length of metal tubing.
"Harris, pole vault," he announced, and the guard waved him in.
Determined to follow his friends, Fred searched and searched the area
until he discovered a roll of barbed wire. Striding up to the guard, he
announced in his most confident voice. . .
The Politically Correct Alphabet
A is an activist itching to fight.
B is a beast with its animal rights.
C was a cripple (now differently abled).
D is a Drunk who is "liquor-enabled. "
E is an Ecologist who saves spotted owls.
F was a Forester, now staffing McDonald's.
G is a Glutton who says he's "food-centered. "
H is a Hermaphrodite skirting problems of gender.
I is an "Ism" (you'd better believe it).
J is a Jingoist - love it or leave it!
K is a Kettle the pot can't call black.
L is a Lifestyle not bound to the pack.
M is a Mindset with bias galore.
N was a Negro, but not anymore.
O is an Oppressor, devoid of self-love.
P is the Patriarchy (see "O" above).
Q is a Quip that costs someone a job.
R is the Reasoning done by a mob.
S is a Sexist, that slobbering menace.
T is a Teapot that's brewing a tempest.
U is for Umbrage at the slightest transgression.
V is a Valentine, tool of oppression.
W is for "Woman," however it's spelled.
X is a chromosome we share in our cells.
Y is a Yogi for the easily led.
Z is a Zombie, the differently dead.
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much
grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how
they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service
Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more
cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the
line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them
will reap great benefits he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood
back and watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like
anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he
got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a
large piece of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?"
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would
you like two pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the
ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."
The sailor said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
With that the cook grinned, leaned over, and cut the piece of cake
on the tray in half.
A young minister and Mr. Smith, an elderly parishioner, were
playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was
beating him rather soundly.
At the end of the game, the Mr. Smith tried to console his
minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days
you'll be burying me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"