* You consider it a culinary success if the Pop-Tart
stays in one piece.
* Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
* Your family buys Alka-Seltzer and Beano in bulk.
* When you barbecue, two of your kids holds water guns
and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on
* Outback bought your recipe for blackened chicken.
* Neighborhood kids use your biscuits for hockey pucks.
* Your family automatically heads for the dinner table
every time they hear a fire truck siren.
* Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
* Your two best recipes are meat loaf and apple pie,
but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
* Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel
off the bottom of the oven.
* You've used three boxes of scouring pads, a
bottle of Drano, hammer and a chisel,
and that macaroni and cheese
still won't let go of the pan.
* Pest control companies keep pestering you
for your recipes.
* Baptist preachers reject all invitations for
dinner at your house.
* Your family prays AFTER they eat!