Happppy Ground Hog Day!!!!!!!

Man: "Can I buy you a whiskey?"
Lady: "No you can't, whiskey is bad for my legs"
Man: "That's a shame, do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!"
************
During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class:
"Why is that during childhood,gals tend to grow taller than guys?"
A student replied: "That's because guys have "balls" and that weighs
them down."
Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than
gals?"
Student: "That's because gals have breasts and they are heavier than the
guy's "balls"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
During the evening one Seattle Friday, a couple entered
the Emergency Room. The male had a napkin soaked
with blood on his groin area, the female had a blood
soaked napkin on her head. Both had lacerations in the
respective areas on inspection. They were reluctant to
say what had happened until later. It seems they were on
a first date after having lots of "hot chat" on the Internet.
During dinner, the female went under the table (covered
by the tablecloth) to perform oral sex. She went into an
epileptic seizure and bit down on the man's penis. Of
course the man had no idea of her medical history. He
was sure she must be some kind of "psycho" and grabbed
his fork and repeatedly stabbed the top of her head
screaming, "Let go, you sick bitch!" As this went on for
several minutes, the other patrons in the restaurant
had quite a show!!
************
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during your lunch hours, please
drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than
to think you're stupid.
- Problem Drinking at Work? . . Now solved!




John: There's one word we always pronounce wrong.
Gary: And what word is that?
John: 'Wrong'!
************
Q. Why do elephants have trunks?
A. No glove compartments.
Q. What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
A. Hailing a taxi.
************
A boy opened his refrigerator and found a rabbit lounging in the butter
dish.
Boy: What are you doing in there, rabbit?
Rabbit: Isn't this a Westinghouse?
Boy: As a matter of fact, it is.
Rabbit: Well... I'm westing!
************
Q. First they 'shoot' you, and then they 'blow you up', and then at
home
you 'get hanged'.. . . Where are you?
A. The Photographer' s studio.
************
Q. What's the difference between a King's son, a monkey's mother, a
bald head, and an orphan?
A. One's an heir apparent, the next is a hairy parent, the next has no
hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent.
************
Q. Which officer is the butt of a lot of sailor jokes?
A. The rear admiral.
************
Joe: I had a terrible nightmare last night.
Moe: How bad was it?
Joe: Real bad. I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted!



Q. Why is six afraid of seven?
A. Because seven eight nine.
************
Q. Did you hear about the twister who married a tornado?
A. It was a whirlwind romance!
************
Politician: Re-elect me for a second term! In spite of what the House
Ethics Committee investigation concluded, my conscience is clean.
Heckler: Yeah, because in the last six years you never used it!
************
Q. How does Santa take instant pictures?
A. He uses a North Pole-aroid camera.
************
Mrs Santa Claus was seeking a divorce in court from an incredulous judge
who asked her to explain her maritial problems.
"Judge, it's that happy jolly stuff all year long," she said. "It drives
me CRAZY!"
"All year? Why I thought Santa's work was only in the winter." said the
judge.
"Sure, but in summer he takes up gardening," Mrs Claus replied, and
then...
it's hoe, hoe, hoe, all over again!"
************
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Aussie.
Aussie who?
Aussie you later, mate!
************
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Wooden.
Wooden who?
Wooden it be nice to have Mondays off?
************
What is Marketing?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say,
"I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One
of your friends goes up to her and, pointing at you says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment
her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops
it, offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says,
"You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say,
"I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback.



Possible New Slogans for Michigan

The one that looks like a mitten, you moron.
Where used cars from Florida bring top dollar.
No hurricanes here.
The Orange Barrel State.
Stop and see the Giant Man-eating Clam on the trip north.
So close to Canada you can hardly tell the difference.
We know the rules to euchre.
Got fudge?
Two Mystery Spots. No waiting.
Yes, the Porcupines are real mountains.
Soda? We say pop here, buddy.
The Midwestern "M" state without a wrestler for governor.
No riots since '67.
More than just boarded-up auto plants.
Casino fever - catch it.
Home of Kalkaska dirt, our state soil.
Sandy beaches without severe undertow.
Happiness is a warm pasty.
Imagine an island where horse manure still litters the streets.
Water enough for any drought.
Visit Hell, Paradise, and Climax.
Birthplace of Meijer Thrifty Acres.
Where Ontario is a shortcut to New York.
Just a serial killer away from enacting capital punishment.
Gerald Ford slept here.
It's called snow. Get used to it.
Where the names of high-toned suburbs needlessly end with "e".
Deer processing available here.
Not as flat as Indiana.
Once a swamp unfit for habitation.
Try eating corn flakes without us.
Hardly any annoying lizards or poisonous snakes.
Big on flannel.
It's not the heat. It's the humidity.
Smoked fish sold here.
Good people with camping trailers.
We moved American history to Dearborn.
Uncle Ted rules.
No toll roads and proud of it.
Who you calling a hick?
Our biggest bridge makes yours look puny.
Nearly went to war with Ohio once and will do it again if they pull any
funny stuff.
Land of snow machines and bass boats.
#@?@* mosquitoes.
We know a place where wooden shoes are always in style.
Where lousy teams get new stadiums.
Consider Amway.
Speed limit back up to 70, so move it.
The Red Wings State.
Three out of four seasons very pleasant.