Sunday Funnies

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A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In
fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all
the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a
good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the
local TV station to speak with the advertising manager.
The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the
Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful
crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red
beans..."
The sales manager said, "OK, OK, I get the message. And what would
you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?"
The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly,
"I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."
"$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!!! The
current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the
Super Bowl! For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars
to reach the audience!"
The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those
people are out for blood. I'm just farting around."
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A man wants to play golf, but shows up at the golf course by himself. The starter groups him with 3 ladies, currently on the first hole. Upon walking up to the tee, the man sees the three ladies are nuns. He thinks to himself, "I gotta watch my p's and q's!" Everyone introduces everyone else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the man, "Go ahead sir! You're up." The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball goes down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the right into the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you see that?!" forgetting his audience. He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one of the nuns says, "We don't talk that way in the presence of the Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's my turn." The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out of bounds across the parking lot. The nun bends over, gets her tee, and mutters "Goddammit!! " as she walks by the man. The man, rather amused and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..." The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said. But then again you didn't just hit a goddamn tree, did you?
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The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the redneck
patient. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to
have no relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the young patient
replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbors?"
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Little Johnny's teacher has had it with his behavior, so she goes to the
principal and pleads for something to be done. The principle asks for
Little Johnny to be sent to his office. When Little Johnny arrives the
principle tries to play with his mind so he asks him something that
Little Johnny will think is rude.
"Tell me Johnny, do you know how to put a hole into another hole?" asks
the principle.
"No sir I don't" replies Little Johnny.
"I'm giving you to the end of the month to come back with the answer to
this question," says the principle.
The whole month passes and Little Johnny is quiet as a mouse, thinking
about the question, which he thinks must have a rude answer, day and
night. After a month Little Johnny starts with his bad behavior again
and the teacher pleads to the principle again, so Little Johnny is
called in.
"Tell me Johnny, did you figure out how to put a hole into another
hole?" asked the principle.
"No sir I didn't, but do you know how to put 8 holes in to another
hole?" asked Little Johnny.
"No" was the answer from the now dizzy principle.
"Well" said Little Johnny with a smile, "Come home with me after school
today and I'll show you. You see my dad has this flute with 8 holes in
it and if I shove it up your fucking ass, you'll see how it's done."
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A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he
finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she
said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely
jealous." There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman
hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his
favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was
all squashed up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't
stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the
front door. The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked
back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy
off the field, did you?



Doctor: "Madame, I'd like to give you a thorough examination. Please
take off all your clothes."
Patient: "But doctor, I only stopped by for the blood test results. Dr.
Johnson found me in perfect condition just yesterday."
Doctor: "So he told me... so he told me."
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Viagra is now in liquid form. FDA officials today announced the release
of the wonder drug Viagra in a new easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold
under the name of "Mydixadud."
Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour
themselves a stiff one.
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My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging
my secretary.
He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?"
I told him, "Nope! I do this for free."




A family of ducks and skunks were walking along a road.
The babies of both families fell behind.
The families of both the baby duck and skunk get run over by a truck.
The baby duck says "My parents never told me what I am.
What am I? he asks the baby skunk.
"OK" says the baby skunk, "you have webbed feet and a bill. You're a
duck.
The duck replies "Ok.. I'ma duck."
The skunk then asks the duck "Ok.. now me. What am I?"
The duck replies "Ok.. you're half black, half white,
and your stink.. YOUR PUERTO RICAN."


Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners

***GENERAL BEHAVIOR***

1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will,
it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***DINING OUT ***

1. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant
may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone... Deodorant is a waste of good money.

***DATING (Outside the Family)***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've
been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff
on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday."

If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to
get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such
as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

***WEDDINGS* **

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can,
it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.