Thursday's Stuff

Women of the computer world...
INTERNET WOMAN: It's not easy to get access to her and you may get cut
off a lot.
SERVER WOMAN: She's always busy when you need her. Sends you cryptic
messages.
WINDOWS WOMAN: Everybody knows she has a lot of problems, but nobody can
live without her.
AOL WOMAN: Nobody can stand her quirks and rules for more than half an
hour. But she will try hard not to let you go away.
EXCEL WOMAN: They say she can do lots of things, but you only use her
for the 4 basic operations.
WORD WOMAN: She always has a surprise problem for you and there isn't
anybody who really understands her.
D.O.S. WOMAN: There was a time when everybody needed her, but nobody
wants her now. She can do a lot of interesting tricks, but nobody cares
anymore.
BACKUP WOMAN: You think you have everything with her, but actually there
is always something missing.
SCANDISK WOMAN: Deep inside she is only trying to help by trying to
clean you up and change you, But actually nobody knows what she is
really doing.
SCREENSAVER WOMAN: She is useless, but you have fun with her. She will
frequently interrupt what you are doing if you don't set her straight.
PAINTBRUSH WOMAN: Easy to use, but nobody gets satisfied. She leaves you
wanting more.
RAM WOMAN: She forgets everything as soon as she is unplugged.
HARD DISK WOMAN: She always remembers everything, and thinks she is
always right even if her memory is corrrupted.
MOUSE WOMAN: She is useful only when she is pushed and dragged. Tends to
get dirty and sluggish.
MULTIMEDIA WOMAN: She makes everything look nice. Active and a lot of
fun.
MICROSOFT WOMAN: She wants to dominate every man she meets. She'll try
to convince you she's the best for you. She schemes how to make you get
in trouble with other women. She promises you that she'll do whatever
you want if you throw your girl friends' telephone numbers away.
Suddenly, she will be the only one in your life. There will come a time
when you will need her approval before you can open the fridge or you
can take your car keys.
PASSWORD WOMAN: You think you're the only one who knows her, but
actually everybody knows her.
MP3 WOMAN: Everybody wants to have her. She is so easy to get.
USER WOMAN: She does nothing right and she is always demanding more than
she really needs.
ANALYST-PROGRAMMER WOMAN: She is always cooking, she is always mending,
fixing you and tweaking you to be better and have fewer errors. Very
controlling type. CPU WOMAN: She has a great look outside, but she is
empty inside. Takes a lot of time to get her the way you want her, and
then she may suddenly freeze up and not communicate with you.
MONITOR WOMAN: She makes you see life in colourful ways. Passes many
interesting things on to you.
CD-ROM WOMAN: She can do a lot of tricks if you take the time to
communicate with her carefully. The younger ones are pretty fast and
easy.
CONSULTANT WOMAN: She tells you everything except what you want to know.
She is mostly talk and little action.
E-MAIL WOMAN: When she talks, at least 8 things out of 10 are strange,
meaningless or spam.
VIRUS WOMAN: (ALSO KNOWN AS WIFE) When you least expect, she gets into
your life, she stays and takes control of all your belongings. If you
try to get rid of her, you lose many resources. But, if you don't, then
you may lose everything.
YAHOO WOMAN: Lives by her own rules. Just when you thing you have a
great relationship, she will cut you off cold without warning or
explanation.
DEFRAG WOMAN: She like to come in and clean up your house, and your
dishes, change your litterbox and generally clean up your act. She does
not talk much so let her do her work.
GROUP MODERATOR WOMEN: a very strange breed, all have their own rules
about the way to live and do things, some are very quirky and arbitrary
and even nasty if you don't behave as they think you should. Some are
great fun to be with. No general rules about these.
MAC WOMAN: They have a superior attitude, which may or may not be
justified. A minority group, they tend to seek other like minded people.

So you want to go skiing? Here's a a list of things you can do to help
prepare yourself...
Paste a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before
you go to bed.
If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
Throw away a hundred dollar bill.
Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski
boots, carrying 2 pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Sporadically
drop things.
Place a small, but angular pebble in your shoes. Line them with crushed
ice and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
Buy a new pair of gloves. Immediately throw one away.
Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you
at a high speed.
Go to McDonald's and *insist* on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure
you are in the longest line!
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
Drive slowly for 5 hours--anywhere- -as long as it's in a snowstorm and
you're following an 18 wheeler.
Fill a blender with ice, leave the lid off, hit the pulse button and let
the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts.
Let it drip into your clothes.
Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off
because you have to go to the bathroom.
Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
Repeat all of the above daily until it's time for the REAl thing!
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
One Sunday at church, after the sermon, the offering plate was being
passed around when a wife whispers to her husband,
"Honey, your fly is open."
Not understanding her he says,
"What?"
She repeats again,
"Your - fly - is - open."
Just then the offering plate reaches their pew and he zips up.
At home after church, one of their daughters tells her mom that she had
seen what had happened and says,
"You know, mom, I always wondered where dad kept his billfold."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
The pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all
assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and
states,
"I have some really fantastic news for all of you, and some very
terrible news."
Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the 'fantastic' news first, so
the Pope tells them,
"Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgement is at
hand, and our faith in His existence is justified."
After the commotion and excitement dies down a bit, one of the cardinals
speaks up, asking what the terrible news is.
The Pope replies. . . .
"He was calling from Salt Lake City."




Q. How do you call a barber cat?
A. Yell... "Hair Kitty!"

Q. What do English cats drink in the afternoon?
A. Kit-tea.

Q. Why did the gum cross the road?
A. It was stuck to the chicken's foot.

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Eiffel.
Eiffel who?
Eiffel down and hurt my knee.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Seth.
Seth who?
Seth me, that's who.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Sid.
Sid who?
Sid down, you're rockin' the boat!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Shirley M.
Shirley M. who?
Shirley M. glad to say goodbye to you.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Salada.
Salada who?
Salada bad knock-knock jokes around!
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty
so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink.
The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by
the fire.
There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the
visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.
The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied:
"Ummm, he's not *really* that friendly. That's his bowl you're
using"



The Cowboy Boots: (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she
could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still
didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had
worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,"Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet."
She looked, and sure enough,they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as,
together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots.
"She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,"Why
didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help
him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they
gotten the boots off when he said,
"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know
if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she
had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He
said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
She will be eligible for parole in three years
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp
steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom
instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel
of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a
heading, and the young fellow holds to it.
Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."
Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the
young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.
The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm
swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the
circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship
with you?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A cocktail party is an affair where a mans gets stiff, a woman gets tight, and they return home to find that neither is either
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
There was 3 old men sitting by a pool talking about old times. One of the men asked the other two what was the worst sound they ever heard. The first old man said, "Well I was in Africa once and had a herd of wild elephants come in my direction and I had no place to hide." The second old man said, "I was a pilot in the air force and was flying over the ocean and the engine on my plane was making bad noises like it was going to quit." The third old man who had asked the question said, "I have the worst one of all. I was seeing this woman and her husband came in on us while we were in the bed together. I jumped up and ran and jumped out the window." The third old man paused and the other two men asked, "Well, what was the bad sound?" The third old man replied, "Just a minute. This is hard for me to retell." After a short pause he said, "Okay, I jumped out the window and the woman's husband grabbed me by the balls! So there I was, hanging by my balls, and the worst sound I ever heard happened. It was the sound of a man trying to open his pocket knife with his teeth!"



RECALL NOTICE

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.

This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-Morality, " or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some other symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental
component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Thank you for your attention.

GOD
Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by "kneemail".