I have always wanted to have my family history traced,
But I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.
Yes. Run for public office.
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day
complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed
up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely
backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient
2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him
10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this
week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24
hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The
patient damn near exploded!"
Suddenly they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down
the hall. "Omigod!" said the first doctor, "I just told
Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall.
By Shannon Popkin
My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to
communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people
constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery
store or at a drive-thru window.
People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a
just-turned- 3-year-old. And you never have to ask him
to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked.
There've been several embarrassing times that I've
wished the meaning of his words would have been
masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I
wished this more than last week at Costco.
Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I
took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one
of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what
you would have heard coming from the second to the
"Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you
putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You
gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what
are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the
At this point I started mentally counting how many
women had been in the bathroom when I walked in.
Several stalls were full … 4? 5? Maybe we could wait
until they all left before I had to make my debut out of
this stall and reveal my identity.
Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't
you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get
some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see
doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh … Mommy! I'm trying to see
in dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy.
You are gonna get some candy!"
I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on
either side of me. Where is a screaming newborn when
you need her? Good grief. This was really getting
embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time
before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, "Why don't
you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some
candy. We'll both have some!"
"No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!"
He started to gag at this point. "Uh oh, Mommy. I fink
I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me
frow up!! Dat is so gross!!" As the gags became louder,
so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed
the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to
reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If
I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that
those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will
be long gone.
"Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you
to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!" He grunted as
he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown
laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.
"Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking
under da door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You
wooking at the wady's feet?" More laughter. I stood
inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.
"Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to
go out now, Mommy." He started pounding on the door.
"Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to
I saw that my "wait 'em out" plan was unraveling. As I
sheepishly opened the door, and found an open sink, I
thought, Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood
contract' where I signed away every bit of my privacy?
But as my little Herald gave me a big, cheeky grin while
he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands,
I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as
Mommy to this little fellow.
Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of
three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids,
Michigan, where she no longer uses public restrooms.
An old blacksmith realized he was going to have to quit working so hard.
So, he picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.
The old fellow was crabby and exacting.
"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the young apprentice. "Just
do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on
"Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real
good and hard."
Nod. . . . . . .
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
Q. What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
A. Bacon and legs.
Q. What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
A. Mice Krispies.
Q. What do whales like to chew?
A. Blubber gum.
Q. How does a lion like his steak?
A. Medium roar.
Q. What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
A. French flies.
Q. What do cat's like on their hot dogs?
Q. Why would someone in jail like to catch the measles?
A. So he could break out.
That reminds me of the story about the crusty old chief
who ran the tool crib and got tired of the crew
misnaming and misusing tools. So he gathered everybody
together and took them through the whole inventory,
giving the proper names and describing the proper use,
which they should have remembered from tech school,
Two or three days later, one of the guys walks up to
the tool crib. "Hey, Chief. Give me a wrench."
The chief roars, "What KIND of wrench, sailor?"
"It don't matter. I'm just going to use it for a
Deaf BookkeeperA Mafia Godfather learns that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars. The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.
So when the Godfather interrogates the bookkeeper about the missing$10million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where's the 10 million you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
In a perfect world...
...a person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17, and he
would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.
...you could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.
...forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.
...pro baseball players would complain about teachers being
paid contracts worth millions of dollars.
...people would always have good reasons to be optimistic.
...the mail would always be early, the check would always be
in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
...potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with
dip, the calories would be neutralized.
...if the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to
help," not only would he mean it, but he would do it.
...every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the
door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."
...the better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
...warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.
...more would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus
composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons,
25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant
vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does
not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to
reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the
exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
3. One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's
understanding parents left us alone in the living room.
Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of
a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown
watching us from the doorway.
"If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give
you a quarter," I said to her.
Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off
but soon was back again.
"Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."
Let us Pay for a Romantic Valentine’s Day.
Top Ten Southern Commandments
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma &Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's woman.
(7) No killin'...No how.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
2. A lady walks into the drug store and asks
the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist ask's "Ma'am, what do
you want with arsenic?".The lady say's
"To kill my husband."
I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo
of a man and a women in a compromising position, the man is
her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows
it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says . . .
. . . " Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"