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This That And Frog Hair2: Some Giggles for My Friends

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Some Giggles for My Friends


Horace and Jed were neighboring farmers. They'd both grown up on their
prospective farms and taken them over for their families. Every day,
Horace and Jed would meet at the fence that separated their crops and
talk about the day's events. During one of their daily talks, Horace was
asking Jed about his crops. "Hey Jed, you ever seen an egg plant?" Jed
shook his head and replied, "Ya just gotta tell me how ya got far enough
up the chicken's ass to see that!"

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A bible-thumping preacher was really getting it going one Sunday, and
in the heat of the Gospel, an attractive lady leaned out of the balcony
a little too far, and fell over the railing.
As she passed the chandelier on the way down, the hem of her dress
caught on part of the fixture, and she hung there with her dress pulled
clear over her hips for everyone's viewing pleasure!
The preacher, a sensitive sort, cried out, "Any man who dares to look
shall be struck blind!"
An old fellow in the front row nudged his friend and said, " I'm
gonna chance it. This left eye ain't worth a damn, anyway!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
"Back in my working days I was a union linotype operator in a daily
newspaper on Cape Cod. Our employment required 6 years'
apprenticeship prior to receiving a journeyman's credentials. We were
required to be proficient in English, particularly spelling and
meaning of words, among others. One day a fellow worker while setting
a story came across the word "butte" and asked his co-worker the
difference between a butte, mountain or mesa, etc. A discussion arose
amongst several of us and the comparison was made as well of canyons,
escarpmets, bluffs. etc. Someone suggested we ask Jeannie, one of our
proofreaders to settle the question. Well, Jeannie was what one might
say a worldly lady, and when approached by our representative with:
"Hey, Jeannie, what's a butte? " She promptly replied: "Offhand, I'd
say, one about this long, " signifying a distance of about 8 inches
with her hands.


*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Personals

Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in
rat-infested motels, and speak Russian. Must be able to keep a secret.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Mormon male looking for one or more females for a long-term
relationship. Must have childbearing hips and be willing to give birth
to at least four children. Catholics need not apply.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Single, unemployed female with several children out of wedlock is
looking for a sugar daddy to support my children and me. Skills include
nose-wiping and diaper-changing. Ear plugs included. No experience
necessary.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing. If you're under 6
feet tall, averse to ropes, or wary of long expeditions, don't apply.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Single, white, affluent male starting a savage cult; orders submissive,
obedient followers to worship and praise my every move. No shirt, no
shoes, no service.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Ready? OK! Collegiate cheerleader looking for quarterback to bring his
helmet, pads, and offensive line to bed. First and ten! Do it again!
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Tall Hispanic lesbian looking for a vertically challenged person to
spend evenings clipping my toenails and picking them out of the carpet.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Do you have six toes or another pedal anomaly? If so, I want you! Other
deformities- -however attractive-- need not apply.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Greedy, money-hungry, single white female looking for obscenely rich
older man (preferably on his death bed) to spend time and money with.
Would like to wiggle my way into the will and be the sole beneficiary.
Call before time runs out.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Mama's boy, dependent on parents for income, is looking for a female who
is family-oriented and wouldn't mind having my mom chaperone. No dog
lovers please.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Charlie B. ISO Lucy. Me: self-esteem issues and bad sweaters. You:
rapier wit and a complete disregard for my ego. Big head optional.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Playmate wanted. SWM with large stuffed animal collection ISO female
furvert for meaningful relationship with me and my plush toys.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Albino male seeking dark-skinned woman who will take me to movies and
hand-feed me popcorn. Must love to stay inside with the blinds closed to
keep out sunlight, and dread mornings.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Alcoholic female craves man to keep her knee-deep in liquor. Your own
still a plus.
-*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Gay sunless tanning addict seeks dark and crispy partner to share
tanning bed. Bring your own goggles and we'll order in!
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Obedient male seeks female dog-lover for long walks, playing fetch, and
cuddling on the couch. You bring the spiky collar; I've got the kibble.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Middle-aged heir seeks suitable female for companionship, possible LTR.
Family approval required unless mother takes her final bow before we
meet.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Male bwana hunts big-game guy. You bring the fur coat; I'll bring the
rifle. No animal-rights activists or vegetarians.


A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"Oh," she said, "That’s the money I made from selling the dolls."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which
reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the
bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women
serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who
gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
If at first you don't succeed you are running about average. Help a man when he's in trouble and he will remember you the next time he's in trouble. Life is the ultimate IQ test. Another day, another zero. Never wave to your friends at an auction. The stupid people of the world band together for strength against intelligence. You can't win.




Love Those Telemarketers!
I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone
rang.
ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.
ME: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ..
ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ..
ME: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Byron, please?
ME: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
ME: OK, hold on. (At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5
minutes
thinking that surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate
my
salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were
still
waiting.)
ME: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T .
ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T .
ME: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer
you
10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T (getting a little excited at this point by my interest): Yes, sir,
that's right! Twenty-four hours a day!
ME: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
ME: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
ME: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one
at
the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual
check,
can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week,
365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560
per
year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10
cents
a
minute.
ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me
10
cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind
subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in
the
Enquirer, you know.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor, please?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold. (At this point, I begin trying to
finish
my dinner.)
SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?
ME: Yeth?
SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a
minute program.
ME: Is This A T &T?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do
to
suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.)
No,
actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I
could
sign up for the plan.
SUPERVISOR: OK, no problem. I'll transfer you back to the person who
was
helping you.
ME: Thank you. (I was on hold once again and managed a few more
mouthfuls. I
need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but
polite
voice at the other end of the phone.)
AT&T: Hello, Mr.. Byron, I understand that you are interested in
signing
up
for our plan?
ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family"
thing
because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little
brother...
AT &T: click...

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