Funnies For Friday

The newly wed seniors were having sexual problems. The counselor thought
it might be due to the fact that the woman was taller. He suggested
special shoes with build-up heels to help the man's ego.
The next month, he asked if things had improved in their love life with
the shoes.
"Well yes..." the woman replied, "but those shoes get the sheets so
dirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me the
way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I found a
new route... Now I need some birth control pills."
The doc asked, "What's his occupation?"
The girl said, "Army."
"Active or retired?"
"If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!"

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

"But this isn't an engagement ring." the young lady protested. "Why it's
just a tiny unset diamond."
"Yeah ! I know." said the fellow, "And, it'll be mounted in a cluster
around a big one, the very day after you are."
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Two fat European businessdudes returned to the Tokyo whorehouse in a
state of great rage.
"I was here last week and caught a case of the clap!" he shouted at the
madam.
"Toyota," said the madam.
"What the hell does that mean, Toyota?" asked the enraged customer.
She smiled and said, "You asked for it, you got it!"
A group of rednecks sat around the pot-bellied stove in the country
store, discussing the mysteries of life. "I'm going deaf and blind,"
sighed one old fellow.
"I don't know what the good Lord wants to leave me here for."
"Now, Mr. McCoy," replied his Pastor friend, "the Lord's ways are not
our ways, and we can't always understand. But if He's left you here
He's got work for you to do."
Mr. McCoy sat for a minute in quiet meditation, then announced, "Well,
screw Him,...I'm not a-gonna do it."


Ole the Duck Hunter
Ole went hunting one day in northern Wisconsin and bagged three ducks. He
put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he
was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like Norskis.
The game warden ordered the Norski to show his hunting license, and Ole
pulled out a valid Wisconsin hunting license. The game warden looked at the
license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt,
and said, "This duck ain't from Wisconsin. This is a Minnesota duck. You got
a Minnesota huntin' license, boy?"
Ole reached into his wallet and produced a Minnesota hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck,
sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Minnesota duck. This duck's from
Iowa. You got an Iowa license?"
Again Ole reached into his wallet and produced an Iowa hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt,
and said, "This ain't no Iowa duck. This here duck's from Michigan. You got
a Michigan huntin' license?"
Once again Ole reached into his wallet and brought out a Michigan hunting
license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this and he yelled at the
Norski, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?"
With that Ole turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "Vell,
you tell me. You're da expert."
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It was Friday evening and having just been paid, Seamus and Murphy were
trying to decide where to go that night.
"I know" said Murphy, "There's a great club in town we ought to try"
"What's it like?" asked Seamus.
"Well, you go into the club, up to the bar where they give you a free drink.
Then you go upstairs for a fuck. Then you go back to the bar and have
another free drink.
After twenty minutes you go upstairs for another fuck. After this you go to
the bar again and have another free drink and then go upstairs again and
have another fuck! After this you go downstairs, have a final drink and
leave.
On the way out they give you three hundred dollars and you go home."
"Christ!" said Seamus, "That sounds great. Have you been
before?" "No," said Murphy, "but my sister has!".
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
I thought you would enjoy this little blurb of nonfiction:

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947 witnesses claimed that an
unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and
cattle ranch outside Roswell , New Mexico

This is a well know incident that many say has long been covered up by
the U.S Air Force and the Federal Government.

However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948 exactly nine
months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.; Hillary
Rodham Clinton;
John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy
Pelosi;
Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer and Barbara Boxer were born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep...? This piece of
information may clear up a lot of things.




There's these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the
end of the night ...
The skunk says 'Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent'
The duck says 'Just put it on my bill'
The cow says 'You'll have to ask one of the udders'
The deer says 'I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe
soon'
The giraffe says 'Well, I guess the high balls are on me then'
The frog says, "I've got one greenback"
The vampire bat is thinking, "Which one can I stick for the drink
today?"
The snake says, "I guess I can't hold my liquor."
Another snake says: " If you think I'm paying that, you can kiss my
Asp."
No, the snake said, "It's hiss turn to pay."
The Rhinocerous says: "Don't worry. When the waiter comes I'll just
charge it."
The amoeba said, "I've got to split now."
The paramecium said, "I'll split it with him."
The groundhog said, "If you let me go I shadow you a favor."
The turtle said, "I shell pay next time."
The chicken said, "I hope it's cheep."
The elephant said, "But I've hardly trunk a drop."
The dachshund said, "I've got be to getting a long now."
The manx cat said, "I know you've probably heard this tail before,
but I'm a little short."
The chicken said, "If feather I pay it'll be a cold day in hell."
And the snail said, "No, you shell out the same as me"!
And the trotters said "take 50 cents from two quarterhorses" .
The beaver said, "Dam if I'll pay".
Ken said "See Barbie 'bout a doll, her".
The cows said "We got plenty o' mooolah".
The bumblebee said "Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzz zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzz
zzzzzz z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z zzzzzzz off
The zebra said, "It's black and white--I haven't the money."
They each said, "Ask some otter animal."
But the lion said, "I'll pay--I've still got my pride."

32 Things Cops Wish People Knew...


32. Your 5 year old kid getting pushed down by another 5 year old kid is NOT a police matter; talk to the other kid's parents, not the police.

31. If your kid won't do his homework or do his chores, 911 is not the answer.

30. If a cop causes a car accident we usually get a ticket, and sometimes we get suspended. When is the last time you got 3 days off (without pay) for rear-ending a guy at Wal-Mart.

29. If you think you can fan all the pot smoke out of the car before we smell it, good luck.

28. We know you've had more than two beers. When I've had two beers, I didn't hit six parked cars, drive my car through the front doors of a Toys-R-Us, piss my pants or pass out at a traffic light.

27. When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with its lights and sirens on, pull to the RIGHT, and stop. We are usually required to pass cars on the left.

26. When you're driving in the fast lane and you see a cop behind you, don't go 5 MPH under the speed limit. We are not impressed by how safe of a driver you can be, we're trying to go help someone (or catch that guy in the SUV that just cut you off). Safely move over and let us pass please.

25. If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a motorcycle cop, go buy a lottery ticket, because you've already beaten the odds.

24. When you see an officer conducting a traffic stop, or with a suspect in handcuffs, it is generally not a good idea to approach him and ask for directions. If you do, don't expect the officer to be nice when he tells you to get lost, and don't expect the officer to take the time to explain.

23. Here's how to get out of a ticket. Don't break the law.

22. If you drive a piece of crap, that is why you're getting pulled over.

21. In one week I pulled over 10 cars for minor equipment violations:
5 out of 10 had no vehicle insurance.
3 out of 10 had suspended driver's licenses.
2 out of 10 had warrants.
1 out of 10 had felony warrants.
1 was a known sex offender with his 12 year old niece in the car without her mothers knowledge.

20. If you've just been pulled over doing 70 in a 35, do not greet the officer with, "What seems to be the problem, officer?"

19. We get coffee breaks too, and sometimes we run into stores and do some shopping during them.

18. When you're the victim of a burglary, take the time you spend waiting for the officer to find the model #s and the serial #s of the stuff that was taken.

17. Some cops are just jerks, but take heart in the fact that other cops don't like them either.

16. If it's nighttime and you're driving a vehicle with tinted windows and I pull you over, it's not because of your skin color. I usually can't tell if the vehicle even has a driver until the windows rolled down.

15. Every time you hear on the news about people running away from a crazed gunman, someone's son or daughter in a police uniform is running TOWARD that crazed gunman.

14. Yes it's true, cops usually don't give other cops tickets. Think of it as an employee discount, perk or benefit. Other cops are family and you wouldn't give your brother a ticket if you were a cop either.

13. If your local police agency has a helicopter, everyone knows it's loud and annoying, but did you know it can cover the same area as 20 patrol officers and safely chase criminals that are driving 90 MPH through city streets. Many times the guy has no idea it's there and slows down.

12. Police work is....... writing reports.

11. If you rob a gas station you're only going to get about $100, but I get to see a K-9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $100.

10. In one year of patrol work in a large city, only about ten minutes would be cool enough to be on the television show COPS.

9. Every traffic stop could end in gunfire, but we have to be polite and professional until that time.

8. I've taken about the same amount of men and women to jail for domestic violence, so NO, it's not always the man.

7. People love fire fighters.

6. If the light was yellow, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

5. If you were not speeding, again, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

4. If I ask you your name, and you give me a fake name... I WILL find out.

3. If I tell you that your honesty will earn you some slack... believe me. Your lies will be a free pass to jail.

2. If I ask you a question, don't answer me with another question. I am just doing my job. The quicker you answer me, the quicker I can move on.

1. Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay cops' salaries. Cops also pay taxes, which also pay cops' salaries so, hey, this traffic stop is on me. Now sign here, press hard. There are five copies.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
frickin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond