*No one has a better command of language than the person who knows just
when to talk and when to be quiet.
*I put all my money into taxes. They're the only thing that's sure to go
*There's a place in Harvard Square that sells "experienced" clothing. I
always get a chuckle out of that.
*If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
*I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
*One of the things I didn't want to be when I grew up was wrinkled.
*My dog can lick anyone.
*Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
*I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
*Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.
Realizing that I'd put on a pound or two, I lamented to my husband, "I'm
fat." And right on cue he said what all good husbands must: "You're not
fat." To support his position, he added, "Just look around you at
others, and you will see that you are not fat." But our daughter, a high
schooler, saw through it: "Mom, he's grading you on the curve!"
A man goes into a pub, sets at the bar, and orders five pints. The
barman gives him an odd look since the guy's all by himself, but he
serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The man downs
them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls
to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four
pints and lines them on the bar. The man downs them....One, Two, Three,
Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders
three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One,
Two, Three. "Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints
in front of him. Down they go....One, Two. As the man slams the last one
down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the
glass. The guy sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus.
Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but
the less I drink, the drunker I get..."
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check
on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written
report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down
together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional,
the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them
laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor
café. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and
his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective replies,
"What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen."
The husband says,
"I just can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
A Redneck out in the country comes home and finds his house on fire. He
rushes next door to a neighbor's house who has a phone, to call the fire
"Hurry on over here.... muh house is on fahr!"
"Okay!" came the reply. "How do we get over there?"
"Shucks! Don't you fella's still have those big red trucks?"
Statistic: More than five million American women are over-weight.
These, of course, are round figures.
Anita nother minute to think it over.
Q. What happened to the robber who stole the lamp?
A. Oh, he got a very light sentence!
A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!
One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... My bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times. I liked it."
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
Section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks
to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for
Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first Class who
in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The Co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that she
Only paid for Economy and she will have to leave and return to her
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Houston and I'm staying right here.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably
should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The Pilot says, 'You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this.
I'm married to a blonde. I speak Blonde.'
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and
She says, 'Oh, I'm sorry.' And she gets up and goes back to her seat
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston."
Here are some fun facts about those Valentine kisses that you might be able to use to your advantage.
1 A 1-minute kiss works off 26 calories. (That probably has something to do with the fact that a passionate kiss quickens your heartbeat to 100 beats per minute.)
#2 People are nearly twice as likely to lean right instead of left when puckering up.
#3 American men will kiss approximately 24 women before marrying. Women will lock lips with 17.5 men before tying the knot.
#4 Men who kiss their wives goodbye in the morning earn a higher income than men who don't pucker up. (It has something to do with guys who practice rituals of affection tending to be more stable and methodical, thus higher earners.)
#5 Kissing reduces tooth decay because the extra saliva generated by a lip-lock cleans your teeth.
#6 Nine out of ten people in happy relationships kiss their partner before bed
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