Wed laughs

Interesting Tidbits

*No one has a better command of language than the person who knows just
when to talk and when to be quiet.

*I put all my money into taxes. They're the only thing that's sure to go
up

*There's a place in Harvard Square that sells "experienced" clothing. I
always get a chuckle out of that.

*If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

*I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

*One of the things I didn't want to be when I grew up was wrinkled.

*My dog can lick anyone.

*Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

*I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

*Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.
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Realizing that I'd put on a pound or two, I lamented to my husband, "I'm
fat." And right on cue he said what all good husbands must: "You're not
fat." To support his position, he added, "Just look around you at
others, and you will see that you are not fat." But our daughter, a high
schooler, saw through it: "Mom, he's grading you on the curve!"
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A man goes into a pub, sets at the bar, and orders five pints. The
barman gives him an odd look since the guy's all by himself, but he
serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The man downs
them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls
to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four
pints and lines them on the bar. The man downs them....One, Two, Three,
Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders
three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One,
Two, Three. "Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints
in front of him. Down they go....One, Two. As the man slams the last one
down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the
glass. The guy sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus.
Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but
the less I drink, the drunker I get..."
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Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"



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A jealous husband hired a private detective to check
on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written
report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down
together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional,
the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them
laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor
café. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and
his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective replies,
"What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen."
The husband says,
"I just can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

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A Redneck out in the country comes home and finds his house on fire. He
rushes next door to a neighbor's house who has a phone, to call the fire
department.
"Hurry on over here.... muh house is on fahr!"
"Okay!" came the reply. "How do we get over there?"
"Shucks! Don't you fella's still have those big red trucks?"

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Statistic: More than five million American women are over-weight.
These, of course, are round figures.

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Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita nother minute to think it over.
---------
Q. What happened to the robber who stole the lamp?
A. Oh, he got a very light sentence!




A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!
One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... My bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times. I liked it."
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A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
Section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks
to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for
Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
the
co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first Class who
belongs
in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The Co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that she
Only paid for Economy and she will have to leave and return to her
seat.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Houston and I'm staying right here.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably
should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The Pilot says, 'You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this.
I'm married to a blonde. I speak Blonde.'
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and
She says, 'Oh, I'm sorry.' And she gets up and goes back to her seat
in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston."


Here are some fun facts about those Valentine kisses that you might be able to use to your advantage.

1 A 1-minute kiss works off 26 calories. (That probably has something to do with the fact that a passionate kiss quickens your heartbeat to 100 beats per minute.)

#2 People are nearly twice as likely to lean right instead of left when puckering up.

#3 American men will kiss approximately 24 women before marrying. Women will lock lips with 17.5 men before tying the knot.

#4 Men who kiss their wives goodbye in the morning earn a higher income than men who don't pucker up. (It has something to do with guys who practice rituals of affection tending to be more stable and methodical, thus higher earners.)

#5 Kissing reduces tooth decay because the extra saliva generated by a lip-lock cleans your teeth.

#6 Nine out of ten people in happy relationships kiss their partner before bed

Sunday Funny Edition

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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BUENOS DIAS!!!
JOU HAVE YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS.
SIN WE NO HABE SO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL BYRUS.
PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.
TANK JOU FOR HALPING ME.
JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODRIGUEZ-GARCIA----MEXICAN HACKER



I was showing my wife the high number of hits on my Web page and some of
the "fan" letters I'd received containing compliments.
She took it all in and then said, "Just remember -- the very same people
who praised Jesus also crucified Him."
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The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran
outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out
of his smoldering building.
His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby.
"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that
prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"
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Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One
of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up
once in a while."
Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley
Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television.. ."


The farmer didn't like to use a tractor on
his small holding. He preferred to have his
draft horses pull this plow and wagons.
Unfortunately, a group of small birds
insisted in forming nests in the horses
manes, which prevented him from hitching
the reins properly.

The farmer tried every method he could
think of to get rid of the pesky birds. He
tried lotions, potions, and notions. He kept
the stable colder, he kept it warmer. He
went to horse doctors, he went to bird
specialists. He called his congressman,
he called the Dept. of Agriculture. He
trimmed the manes as much as he could.
He tried loud noises, cat noises, classical
music. Nothing would induce the birds to
leave his horses alone.

In desperation, he went to an Indian medicine
man from a nearby reservation. The medicine
man, listening to his story, gave him some vile
smelling yeast extract to rub into the manes.

Amazingly, it worked. Within two days, the birds
had all fled and the horses were back to work.

The farmer was pleased with this outcome, but
puzzled with the methodology. He went back to
the medicine man and inquired about how a
simple extract of yeast was able to solve a
problem that many veterinarians and the
Department of Agriculture couldn't.

The medicine man replied, "Simple. Yeast is
yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane
shall tweet."
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It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising
in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed
in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time. A small man
pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid
loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched
square in the jaw, & knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of
the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of
the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening
the store!"
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CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. OHNOSECOND: That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
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A while ago, I went skiing. I got on this chairlift with this guy I
didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone
skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?"
He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really.
Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a
Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."
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"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates."




I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking around
with a flyswatter. When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered,
"Yeah, 3 males and 2 females." Curious, I inquired as to how he could
tell the difference. He answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on
the phone."
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"To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer." "If it
weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. "
When picking out a pet, keep in mind that to a dog, you're family; to a
cat, you're staff.
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One day a novice skier went up a mountain that any
beginner should have avoided. No one would have blamed her if she
stayed behind. At 12 below zero, even Frosty the Snowman would have
opted for a warm fire. Hardly a day for snow skiing, but her husband
insisted. So... she bravely went.

While waiting in the lift line, she realized she was in dire need of
having to visit a restroom. Assured there was a restroom at the top of
the lift, she endured the bouncy ride, only to find....there was no said
facility. (we knew that already, didn't we?)

She began to panic. Her husband had an idea: why not go out into the
woods? Since she was wearing an all white outfit, she'd blend in with
the snow and would not be noticed.

What choice did she have? She skied past the tree line
and arranged her ski suit at half-mast. Unfortunately. .. her husband
hadn't told her to remove her skis.

Inadvertently, she began sliding backwards across the
slope, without a chance to make herself 'presentable' . With arms
flailing and skis sailing, she sped under the very lift she'd just
ridden and collided with a pylon. Owww!!

As she scrambled to cover herself, she discovered that her arm was
broken. Fortunately, her husband raced to her rescue. He summoned the
ski patrol, who in return, transported her to the nearby hospital.

While being treated in the emergency room, a man with a broken leg was
carried in and placed next to her. By now she'd regained her composure
enough to make some small talk.

"Hi, my name's Karen. So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked.

"Name's David. It was the strangest thing you ever saw," he explained.
"I was riding up the mountain ski lift and suddenly, out of nowhere,
comes this crazy woman skiing backwards, at top speed, with her ski suit
down around her knees. I couldn't believe my eyes, so I leaned over to
get a better look. I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved, though.
Sigh....I fell out of the lift."

Then he turned to her and asked,

"So, how'd you break your arm?"
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A few years ago I went to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany.
I assumed that enough Germans would speak English so that I could at
least get around. But I found that many people spoke only their native
tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my
ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a
windmill. I just nodded from time to time to show him that I was
interested.
When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned
forward and asked if I spoke German. "No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he
told you that you were on the wrong train."


A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to
marry the little girl across the street.
The father, being modern and well-schooled in
handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought
it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one
week in my room and the next in hers. It's right
across the street, so I can run home if I get scared
of the dark."

"How about transportation? " the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,"
the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to
every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about
babies? When you're married, you're liable to have
babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays
an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@
Weird Fact of the Day: The word "laser" stands for "Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission by radiation."
@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!" "What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."