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This That And Frog Hair2: Today's Funnies

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Today's Funnies


A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and asks the
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse a cow and a deer all eat the same
stuff-----grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out
a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you
suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit??



LAWYER QUICKIES
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 36 feet deep? A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print. Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@
Q: What do you call a 1000 pound woman on a bar stool with a new condom?
A: 1/2 ton pickup with good rubber.



For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home.

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,
"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and
knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit."
@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@
Recent evidence has come to light that suggests that pyramid style chain
letters may have pre-dated Dave Rhodes by a considerable margin.
Palaentologists recently deciphered the following, painted on a cave
wall on the slopes of Kilimanjaro.

MAKE SPIKY CLUBS FAST!!!

Hello, not-tribe-member. Urk name Urk. Many moons ago, Urk in bad way.
Urk kicked out of cave by Thag. Thag bigger than Urk, Thag take Urk
spiky club, Urka (Urk wo-man). Urk not able kill deer, must eat leaves,
berries. Urk flee from wolves.

Today, Urk big chief. Urk have best cave, many wives, many spiky clubs.
Urk tell how.

WHAT DO: make one spiky club and take to cave places below. Add own cave
place to bottom of list, take cave place off top. Put new message on
walls many caves. Wait. Many clubs soon come! This not crime! Urk ask
shaman, gods say okay.

HERE LIST:

1) Urk
First cave
Olduvai Gorge

few) Thag (not that Thag, other Thag)
old dead tree
by laked shaped like mammoth

few) Og
big rock with overhang
near pig game trail

Many) Zog
river caves
where river meet big water

Urk hope not-tribe-member do what Urk say do. That only way it work.

(c) Dave Hemming 1998. Circulate how you please, but keep my name on it.


The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he
said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in
the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and
her friend was sitting next to her. When
they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready ! to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the
casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a
Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put
that money in that casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle
Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift
and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to
withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.

"About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards
for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A
birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, Anniversary or a
congratulations to your mom and dad?"

The boy shook his head and answered, "Got any like a blank report card?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Timmy, age 4 went to see Santa for the first time, and he asked Santa
for lots of toys. The next day, his mother and Timmy had to go out and
do some more shopping. They saw Santa again and Timmy sat on Santa's lap
a second time.

When Santa asked Timmy what he wanted for Christmas, he said in a
questioning voice "But I told you what I wanted yesterday!?"

Santa quickly covered himself by quickly saying that he thought Timmy
might have thought of something else to add to his list.

When they went out again a few days later, Timmy asked his mother if
Santa was going to be there. She promptly told him he would.

Timmy thought a bit then said "I thought of something else to add to my
list then."

"What is that?" asked Mom.

"Why an elf, of course." replied Timmy.

"An elf? Whatever do you want an elf for?" queried Mom.

"Why ask for toys when I can ask for elves," replied Timmy, "and have
them build me all the toys I'll ever need?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A very religious couple was touring the Holy Land during the Christmas
season and decided it would be very meaningful to them to spend
Christmas Eve in Bethlehem, the birth place of Jesus. Arriving there,
they searched high and low for a room, but none was available at any
price. Finally, they pulled up in front of the Sheraton-Bethlehem and
the husband got out of the car, telling his wife: "Stay here, sweetie.
Let me see if I can do something for us." He approached the desk and
the clerk told him there were no rooms. "Sorry, sir. It's Christmas Eve,
our busiest time." No matter how much the man offered to pay, the clerk
said he had nothing. Finally, the man told the clerk, "I bet if I told
you my name was Joseph, that the woman waiting in the car was called
Mary, and that she had a newborn infant, you'd find us a room." "Well,"
stammered the clerk, "I-- I suppose so." "Okay," said the man. "I
guarantee you, they're not coming tonight, so we'll take their room."

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