Your mama is like a joint, everbody gets a hit
A woman was complaining about how the time of the month made her hungry.
"I have the munchies, so it must be hormonal." A man overhearing her
said, "that's funny," usually when I have the munchies, its uasally
Last week I bought a bag I thought was sinsimilla, but instead it was
seeds a million.
Your mind is like a parachute: it works better when its high.
I quit smoking pot once....it was the worst 15 minutes of my life.
You know your a stoner if your bong gets washed more than your dishes
You know you are really high when:
1. It takes an hour to cook minute rice.
2. You sell your car for gas money.
3. You think a quarterback is a refund.
4. Your friend takes a hit and says, that stone got me
Q. What do you call a cop with an ounce of primo Pot?
A. The fucking cop who busted me.
Q. Did you herar they're gonna make the Dallas Cowboys
start playing on a natural turf?
A. Yah! they're already snorting all the lines and smoking
all the grass.
A hippy was seen crawling down some railway tracks.
When asked if there was a problem, he said, yeah man, can you help me
off this ladder.
Q. Which end of the joint should one light?
A. The end thats not in your mouth.
Q. How is the Ohio State Buckeyes and marijuana the
A. They both get smoked in bowls.
Q. What do you do if a stoner throws a hand grenade at
A. Take the pin out and throw it back.
Q. How do you stop an army of stoners on horseback?
A. Turn off the carousel.
Q. What do potheads catch when they go fishing?
A. Red-eyes and cottonmouth.
Q. Whats the difference between a bong for breakfast
and anal sex?
A. One makes your day, but the other makes your
John grew up on a remote dairy farm in Minnesota,
and finally decided it was time to get some experience with women.
So he drove the pick-up into the nearest city and managed to
find a prostitute who was more than willing to initiate him into
the mysteries of sex.
Undressing, the hooker lay down and proceeded to instruct him
carefully. "Stick it in, honey...all the way...now pull it out...
okay, back in, slowly...... more, oooh, more....Now back again---"
"For Christ's sake," interupted the sweating farm boy, "could
you make up your mind??"
Click if graphics don't work.
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little
girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a
safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light
on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there
sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.
Farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is
asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills"
"And what about the rest?", the reporter asks.
Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess the rest of the assholes will just have to
A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
Two fleas from Owensville had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue,
shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death!
The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?" The first flea
says, "I rode down here from Owensville in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try what I
do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there,
look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm
and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of." The first flea
thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by.
When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and
shaking again. Damn near frozen to death.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the Metro
airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came
in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that
I fell asleep immediately.
When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley.