Wednesday's White Trash
A lonely girl who was very forward worked in a bookstore
where one of the men that provided service for the store was kind
of cute. During each service call she made every effort to make
sure she told him she was divorced and available.
One day she came out and ask him, "Are you married?"
He answered her and said, "Well actually, I'm involved with
"Oh" she said disappointed, "seems like the good ones always are."
"Well", he said, "Actually I'm involved with a married woman."
"Oh, really!" she said with a renewed interest.
"Yeah," he says, "but unfortunately she's my wife."
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He
got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the
man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for
several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its
front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over
the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
A couple hasn't been getting along for years,
So the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a
Cemetery plot for her birthday." You can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again
And he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"He says, "Why should I?
You didn't use what I got you last year."
There was an archaeologist named Pamela Lovingstone who scouted around
with a group of fellow archaeologists, and she had never made a big find
of any kind to speak of, so they decided the next time they discovered a
new cave, she could go in first.
Several days later, they found the new one, and she went in, and found a
small pile of remains, she didn't recognize, so she boxed the remains,
sent them to Washington, DC, to the Smithsonian with a note that read:
Enclosed is what I believe to be the petrified penis of a pompous
Persian prince. Sincerely, Pamela Lovingstone
A few weeks later, she received a note back, that read:
Dear Miss Lovingstone:
We are sorry to inform you that the remains you sent in was not the
petrified penis of a pompous Persian prince, it was, instead, the after
product of a corrupted Corinthian who crept into the crypt and crapped.
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little
horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against
the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give
me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
(horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I beg you ...please".
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a
sleepy voice she says "Mom says to go ahead and give him a
blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, she can come
down herself and do it. But tell him to take his fuckin' hand off
A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you
my doctor?" he asked.
"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the
forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!"
A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from
because his mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the
woman and she gets pregnant."
A few days later, after pondering this for some time,
the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child,
"Does the man ever get his penis back?"
Secret to a long marriage
With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary
at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked
Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some
insight into how he managed to remain married to the
same woman all these years. The husband replied to
the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent
money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on
The minister inquired trips to where?
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example
you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the
audience what you're going to do for your wife on your
Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go get her."
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court,
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Clyde."Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll
tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite
mule, Bessie, into the...""I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted.
"Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded."Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,and said, "How are you feeling?""Now what would you say?
A church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said Something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but arned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday".
There was 3 rednecks in New York City. One day while sight seeing they ran upon a whorehouse. Excited, they entered the whorehouse like kids entering a toy store. The first redneck had $5.00, the second redneck had $10.00, and the third redneck had $15.00. The first redneck approached the lady behind the desk and said " I got $5.00! What do I get for $5.00?" The lady spoke over the intercom and said "Ginger, take this getleman upstairs and give him $5.00 worth!" The first redneck came back downstairs grinning from ear to ear. The oter two rednecks said "Man, what did you get for $5.00?" The first redneck explained that she took it out of his pants she put whipped cream all over it, then licked it all off. This exited the 2nd redneck and he quickly approached the lady at the desk. He said "Okay, I have $10.00! What do I get for $10.00?" The lady spoke over the intercom and said" Tasha, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $10.00 worth!" The 2nd redneck came downstairs, grinning from ear to ear, as if he was on Cloud Nine. The other two rednecks met him and asked" Man, what did you get for $10.00?" The 2nd redneck explained she took it out of his Pants, put whipped cream on it, nuts and chocolate topping and she licked it all off. This excited the 3rd redneck, so he nervously approached the lady at the desk and said, "I have $15.00. What can I get for $15.00?" The lady turned on the intercom again and said, "Melissa, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $15.00 worth!" The 3rd redneck came downstairs with a huge frown on his face, and on the brink of tears. Curious, the other 2 rednecks asked, "Man, why are you so sad. What could've went wrong? You had $15.00?" The 3rd redneck said, "Boys, she took it out of my pants, put whipped cream all over it. Then she put strawberries, pineapple topping, chocolate syrup, nuts and a big cherry on top! It looked so good I ate it myself."