Friday Funnies

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some
road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The
first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member,
of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running across the
highway. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long
he's been waiting to cross?"
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Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in
Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with
deer hunters. About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right
next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable
hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"

Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."

The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down
again. This time it was next to a good looking motel.

Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve
consummate our marriage?"

Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."

The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the
bus broke down. This time they were our in the woods. However, there
was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus.

Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do
it."

Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next
to a nice hotel and you said "No". Then, ve vere by a motel and you
said "No". But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it.
Why?"

Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke
down again, the fucking season vould be over."



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Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to
me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
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PRISON PICK-UP LINES

- "Is that a zip-gun carefully carved out of a piece of discarded
metal found on the floor of the prison license-plate manufacturing
shop in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

- "Don't you prefer dropping bar soap instead of that liquid crap?"

- "Hold still while I staple this centerfold to the back of your head."

- "Wanna make license plates after dark?"

- "That orange jumpsuit really brings out the red in your freshly-healed
knife wound."

- "You look even better in person than you did on America's Most Wanted."

- "If looks could kill, you'd get 25 to life."

- "You're getting your GED... wow, that makes me so H O T !!"

- "Is your name 'Escape Tunnel?' Because I've been digging you all night."



BEER, ANYONE?
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.
Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

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"Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?"

- "Been there, slain that."

- "What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"

- "They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."

- "When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched."

- "Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor."

- Wench: "What's that sound?" Knight: "That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding."

- "Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"

- "Your hovel or mine?"

- "Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?"

- "Dost thou practice safe hex?"

- "Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."

- "I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart."

- "You should be glad I'm not a Viking."

- "You would have been ravaged and plundered by now."

- "I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!"

- "Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?"

- "You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on it!!"

- "I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs?"

- "My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it."

- "I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and...er...PUNISH me, now won't you?"

- "You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down."

- "I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady."

- "C'mon, sweetie...didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away."

- "I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"