mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they
were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get
a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch
and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"Have you farted yet?"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in DENVER.
A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who
recommends a newprocedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of
The man goes for it and has ahumongous penis.
One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up
from under the table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table.
The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible", she says, "Can you do it
The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my butt can handle
another bun right now".
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 6OO SL." - Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant. " - George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. " - Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. " - Jack Nicholson
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, "divorce" ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro!
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !" - Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." - Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." - Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." - Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde !
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - George Burns
Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......
Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."
Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower.
I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have
always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body -
the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging rear. And often I am taken
aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize
over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving
family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become
more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own
friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not
making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need,
but looks so avant garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be
messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this
world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with
aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer
until 4 a.m, and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 40s, 50s, 60s,
and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging
body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite
the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just
as well forgotten ... and I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not
break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a
beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us
strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine
and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray,
and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my
face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their
hair could turn silver. I can say "no" and mean it. I can say "yes" and
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what
other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned
the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I
like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while
I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been,
or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
PREGNANCY Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend
to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing
left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip
ticket-if he could just get to the airport he could get himself
home. So he went out to the front of the casino where
there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.
He promised to send the driver money from home,
he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's
license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get
the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was
forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in
time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long
and hard to regain his financial success, returned to
Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good
about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to
hail a cab ride back to the airport.
Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long
line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give
him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he
could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit
on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the
line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you
to give me a blow job on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the
long line and asked the same questions, with the same
result. When he eventually reached his old 'friend' at
the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much
for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman
said, "Okay," and off they went. Then, as they drove
slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave
a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Irish Alzheimer's From:Gayle Thanks Girlfriend
(FAITH'N BGORY, MURPH LADDIE BE LACKIN' IN THE MEMORY)
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?"
Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery'
I remembered where I left me hat."