Some Funies Tonight
This girl goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, its very
embarrassing but something brown is dropping off my private
parts." The doctor examines her and is sure tht there is
some thing brown coming out.
The doctor is confused and says, "How frequently are you
having sex?. Once a day?"
Doc: Once a Week?
Doc: Once a month?
Doc: One a year!
Girl: Some thing like that.
Doc: Oh I get it, it's nothing. The brown thing is just rust!
For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to
conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to
find out peoples' favourite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he
started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building
near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name ?" ; asked the student "John" ,replied the
"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your
favourite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," Came the reply.
He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he
came to the next door, when he asked again.
"Sir, what is your name ?"
"Jeff !" ,said the second man.
"Sir, Would you please tell me your favourite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," was the answer.
Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people
in the building and all of them had the same pastime "watching
bubbles in the bath".
He left the building and walked across the street where there were
several row houses to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens
Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been
weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need
you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I
do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the
station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac.
If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I
do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm drunk."
Debbie went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to
perform a very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that" said Debbie. "Could you just replace
He: I'm tired, I'm drunk, and I'm horny. What do you say?
She: Get some sleep, get sober, and get a grip.
One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my
wife. My wife loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you
insulted her." Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be
ashamed of yourself: To be married to a woman like that and not be able
to think up your own insults!"
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this ?
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"
Having had one too many, a man at a bar was beginning to display an ugly
side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her,
"Hey, how about it babe-you and me?"
The woman got up to move away from the drunk, and as she did, the man said
loudly, "Honey, you look like you could use the money, but I don't have an
extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge
by the inch?"
He loved her very much.
He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, So he had ordered a
bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived
in time for the occasion.
On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to
have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to
his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and
had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.
In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist
to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and
what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He
added a card, and proceeded home.
When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and
it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a
romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.
He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read,
"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with
fronds like these, who needs anemones
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been
getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."
"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the
mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue
A woman hurried into a shop, picked up a can of fly-spray, handed it to
the assistant and asked, "Is this good for wasps?"
After looking at it for a moment, he said, "No madam. It will kill them."
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or
you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity
of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
very next morning you will have a flat tire.
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to
move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Movies at home:
Same as Law of the Bath.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with
the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for
these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to
get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a
loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the
Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when Bill Gates walks up to him and asks:
"Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, not recognizing Mr. Gates, puts down the suitcases and
glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims Mr. Gates.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad.
Check this out..." He shows him a time zone display for every time zone
in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a
voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A
few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is
unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."
Bill Gates is dumb struck with admiration.
"That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny
but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.
"The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning, " explains
Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show
eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says Bill Gates, thinking of the potential
profits after his engineers tear it apart and then market it throughout
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs",
says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate
that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with
a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125
meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all,
the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books,
though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says Bill Gates, becoming insane with
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1,000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $15,000 in cash for it!"
And Bill Gates pulls out his bulging wallet.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and
development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready
for merchandising in maybe a year or so...
Bill Gates frantically waves the cash in front of Jake: "Here it is,
right here and now, $15,000! Take it or leave it!"
Jake abruptly makes his decision: "Okay,"
he agrees as he peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.
They make the exchange and Bill Gates prances happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger.
Bill Gates turns around warily and says:
Jake points to the two heavy suitcases he had been trying to wrestle
through the terminal.
"Don't forget your batteries."