C&C Monday

One-Liners
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Anything worth doing well is worth doing in excess.

The world is divided between victims and predators,
you may have to defend yourself against both.

The thing that takes up the least amount of time causes
the most amount of trouble.

If there are two parts to anything, you will always
miss the first part.

You should make a point of trying every experience
once - except adultry and folk dancing.

I was drowning my sorrows, but my sorrows, they
learned to swim.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we
have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
************
Ninety-four- year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her
lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to
begin divorce proceedings, " she announced.
The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his
composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your
husband have been married for over seventy years.
What in the world could have happened to make you
want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"
Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye.
She cleared her throat and said,
"We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."
************
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of
them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the
weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big
party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they
slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday
morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they
would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that
they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a
result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make
up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the
exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test
booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points.
"Cool!", they thought.
Each one in a separate room, thinking this was going to be easy....
then they turned the page.
On the second page was written....
For 95 points: Which tire?_______
************
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter,
suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.
"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know
the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and
toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?
"No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is
screwing your chickens."

~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following appeared in the "Ask Isadora" column of our local
"alternative" newspaper for the week of April 6-12.... Isadora is a
"Sexologist" who publishes a Q&A column weekly. This is for real--this
is not a joke. This is not a test....

"Q. I am a healthy 30 year old male. My girlfriend and I enjoy a
happy, active sex life. Recently we discovered a new twist we both
enjoy. We bake an 8x10 foot pepperoni pizza in sections, assembling it
on our living room floor which is covered with sheets of black plastic.
My girlfriend goes into the living room, shuts off the lights, and
activates a life-sized animatronic figure of the pope which stands at
the end of the room. The pope's eyes light up and he begins blessing
the enormous pizza and my girlfriend, who reclines thereon clad only in
slices of cheese. I am outside the room at this point and the doors are
closed. I can hear the theme from ROCKY being played within as I wait,
dressed as a huge clove of garlic. When the music reaches its climax, I
burst through the door and hurl myself upon my girlfriend and we
copulate madly at the feet of the robot pope while I shout, 'Poperoni!
Come on, Tony! Not a phony! Poperoni!' Anyway, my question is this:
could garlic pizza sauce be hazardous to human genitalia? Could you
recommend any particularly arousing brand?"


A friend of mine driving down I-85 toward Atlanta Georgia
sees a sign that says peaches all varieties. He pulls off
the interstate and goes to the peach stand. He finds the
guy working there and asks him, "What the heck are you
talking about, all varieties?"
The sales guy asks him, "Well, what is your favorite thing
to eat?"
My friend thinks about it and says, "Peanut butter and
jelly."
Sales guy says, "Well, go down to bin # 2 get a peach and
tell me what you think."
So my friend walks over grabs a peach and bites into it,
cant believe it sweetest jelly he has ever tasted, but no peanut butter.
He walks back to the clerk and says, "Man that was some good jelly but
no peanut butter. What's up?"
The guy says, "You have to turn it around. He does and sure enough, it
tastes like peanut butter. Sales clerk asks him, "What your second
favorite thing to eat?"
"Well, I like Hershey's chocolate!"
"Go down there to bin # 4 take a peach and tell me what you think."
My friend walks down there bites into the peach and sure
enough it's the best damn Hershey's chocolate he has ever tasted. So he
goes back to the sales guy and says, "Man, that was the best damn
chocolate I have ever had. What else you got?"
Sales clerk asks him, What is your third favorite thing to eat?"
My friend thinks about it for a minute, and replies, "Well,
I am kinda embarrassed but I really like to eat pussy."
The sales guy looks at him and says, "You go down there to
the bin with the three X's on it bite into it and tell me
what you think."
So my friend walks down to the bin with the XXX's on it
bites into the peach and just about vomits. This is the nastiest thing
he has ever put into his mouth, it tastes like SHIT!!!!!!!
My friend is pissed, he walks back to the sales guy and
says, "Man this thing tastes like SHIT!!!!!!"
The sales guy looks at him and says, "You got turn it
around."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many
beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try
as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a
last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is
surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to
meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get
anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees
you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and
down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys
a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He
parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he
says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been
able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee
store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down
zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato,
puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up
and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an
hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked
up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why
don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady and her husband have been arguing back
And forth for some time. She makes an appointment
To see her doctor and tells him, "My husband
Has been complaining that my pussy has an odor,
But I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't
Smell anything."
The doctor examines her, and then says,
"Ma'am, you need an operation."
She says, "On my pussy?"
He says, "No, on your NOSE!"

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a
friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears
this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was
only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable
lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,
sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good
tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small."
~~~~~~~~~
When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up
to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open
this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked. Reluctantly I tore
open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the
package, saying, "I'll take them." Relieved, I started to to ring her
up, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been
opened."
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Q. Why shouldn't you throw plastic bags into the swamps in Louisiana?
A. Because the bags are not bayou degradable.

Q. What did the colonists wear at the Boston Tea party.
A. T-shirts.

Ted: I've been keeping my bicycle in my bedroom.
Jake: Why are you doing that?
Ted: I got tired of walking in my sleep.

Q. What would you get if you crossed a computer, a slob, and an Olympic
athlete?
A. A sloppy, floppy discus thrower.

Boss: Did you get any orders today?
Salesman: Yes, I got two!
Boss: Congratulations! What were they?
Salesman: "Get out!" and "Stay out!"

Q. How do fleas get from one place to another?
A. They itch hike.

Q. What do you call a soup made from vegetables and chewing tobacco?
A. Spit pea soup.
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An ABC talkback was started on radio about the funny side of death. A
woman rang in and told how her grandfather was in hospital and was
expected to die soon. She received a call from the hospital to come as
quickly as possible, and so she raced over to her grandfather' s
bed,where she found a nurse massaging his feet in front of a radiator
she had placed on a chair.
The woman asked "What are you doing?"
The nurse replied "I'm keeping his feet warm. Nobody ever died with warm
feet."
Grandpa, who had been unconscious, suddenly woke up and said "Joan of
Arc did" and promptly died.
The woman couldn't think of a nicer memory to have of grandpa's death,
as he had died the way he had lived, making people laugh.