Cheers

Taking a Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

I KNOW YOU SMILED
Have a great day and may God bless you and your families
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Interesting Tidbits

*No one has a better command of language than the person who knows just
when to talk and when to be quiet.

*I put all my money into taxes. They're the only thing that's sure to go
up

*There's a place in Harvard Square that sells "experienced" clothing. I
always get a chuckle out of that.

*If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

*I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

*One of the things I didn't want to be when I grew up was wrinkled.

*My dog can lick anyone.

*Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

*I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

*Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.
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Realizing that I'd put on a pound or two, I lamented to my husband, "I'm
fat." And right on cue he said what all good husbands must: "You're not
fat." To support his position, he added, "Just look around you at
others, and you will see that you are not fat." But our daughter, a high
schooler, saw through it: "Mom, he's grading you on the curve!"
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A man goes into a pub, sets at the bar, and orders five pints. The
barman gives him an odd look since the guy's all by himself, but he
serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The man downs
them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls
to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four
pints and lines them on the bar. The man downs them....One, Two, Three,
Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders
three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One,
Two, Three. "Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints
in front of him. Down they go....One, Two. As the man slams the last one
down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the
glass. The guy sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus.
Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but
the less I drink, the drunker I get..."


Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
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After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh, had many, many relatives. Here is a list of some of
them. . .

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh

His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh

The bird-lover uncle: Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh

His sister who loved disco: Go Gogh

The brother who was released from prison: Let Gogh
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A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is
done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that
there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days
before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had
to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all.
That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks,
you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was
it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."


A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised
by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:
"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is
under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from
an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a
'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business,"
responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage,
I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All
I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot
him." She wasn't selected for the jury.
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The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in
1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.

Father1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?

Father2: Shall I open the window?

Father1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up
my sleeves.

Father2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in
the constitution?

Father1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll
up our sleeves while at work?

Father2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about
"Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"The Founding Fathers were
sitting around a table sometime in
1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.

Father1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?

Father2: Shall I open the window?

Father1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up
my sleeves.

Father2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in
the constitution?

Father1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll
up our sleeves while at work?

Father2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about
"Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Thinking early for Christmas gifts?

If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life, these
gift suggestions should be considered.

1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you
need to change the air in your tires. This highly
recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much
easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or
twice a year. $25

2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this
stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12

3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24

4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good
turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a
new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.

5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT.
If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound.
$3.50

6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for
specific application. From $9.99

7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with
T-50! $14.99

8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!)
From $2.99

9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available
special order. $14.99

10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95

11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99

12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59

13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we
sell!) $40.24

14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95

15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99

16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road
obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50

17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck
begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes,
etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have
become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product
will safely remove the virus. $199

18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image
you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a
manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret
for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can
be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per
square ft.




~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rules of Life
1. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship : "I apologize" and "You are right."
3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
4. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
5. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her. . . believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year fromnow? How about one month? One week? One day?'
8. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it's not that important.
12. And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I urgently needed a few days off, but knew the boss would not allow me to
take sick leave. I thought maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to
take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny
noises.

My coworker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her I was
pretending to be a light bulb so the boss would think I was crazy and let me
have a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are you
doing?"

I told him that I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and get some rest for a few days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the boss said to her, "And where
do you think you are going?"

You will love this...

She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"