Funnies

WHAT PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD LEARN ABOUT AMERICANS BY WATCHING BAYWATCH

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow
motion along the beach.

2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.

3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one
actually dies, except from cancer.

4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of
15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.

5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are
unreliable and sometimes evil.

6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped
via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per
hour.

7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by
jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.

8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and
lasts no longer than two minutes.

9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are
poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.

10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.
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Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow

1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection
4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week
later
5. Your credit card expires while ordering online
6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989
7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game,
"PacMan"
8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them
10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side
of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
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A jealous husband hired a private detective to check
on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written
report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down
together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional,
the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them
laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor
café. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and
his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective replies,

"What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen."

The husband says,

"I just can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
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A Redneck out in the country comes home and finds his house on fire. He
rushes next door to a neighbor's house who has a phone, to call the fire
department.

"Hurry on over here.... muh house is on fahr!"

"Okay!" came the reply. "How do we get over there?"

"Shucks! Don't you fella's still have those big red trucks?"



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A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a
low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over
the loch. For several minutes they sat silently,
then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,
"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot
time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him
lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two
turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot
time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled
him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then
the two turned once again to gaze out over the
loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for
your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time
you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it
on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two
turned once again to gaze out over the loch
before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit
more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with
anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush,
and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate
request.
And he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye
paid me the first three pennies?"
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A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Vince."
"Who?"
"Vince Sabatini. There's a guy who did everything right. Like me coming
along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Vince
every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro
tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Vince."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."