Giggles

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest,
wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the
hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss,
and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.
Later, the wife's roommate commented,
"Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

------------
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full
moon, when Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, lets play Wee wee chu!"
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon," said Jung Lee.
"Oh c'mon baby, lets you and I play Wee wee chu. I love you and
it's the perfect time", Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Wee wee chu with me?"
June Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "Ok we'll play Wee wee
chu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang: "Wee wee chu
a Merry Christmas, wee wee chu a Merry Christmas wee wee chu
a Merry Christmas and a happy new year."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American in England
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.
The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what
the man wanted.
"You must mean the lift," he said.
"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the
elevator."
"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".
"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in
America invented the elevator."
"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but
someone here in England invented the language."
~~~~~~~~
Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper
posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself:
Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
~~~~~~~~~

Famous Last Words

Quick, they'll never find us if we hide here.

Don't worry, it's not used any more.

Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.

So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday?

Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.

Yes, of course the elastic is strong enough.

It's ok so long as you stay down wind.

I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.

Hey, don't worry, it isn't loaded.

I thought it tasted rather strange.

Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas?

Gee, what a cute little Pit Bull.

And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?

I've never had one of these fail to open before.

Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey?

It's ok, I saw them do it on TV.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow pulls up at a petrol station in Lebanon and asks for five
litres of petrol. The attendant replies they don't sell petrol.
"Don't sell petrol? What sort of garage is this? Well, check the
oil for me."
The attendant says they don't sell oil.
"What? Top up the radiator for me then."
The attendant says they don't have any water, and that in fact the garage is
just a front for Hizbollah.
"Okay, then just blow my tires up."



A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU
PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."