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This That And Frog Hair2: Wed Giggles

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Wed Giggles


The U.S. Navy answers the question: "Why did the chicken cross the
road?"

Naval Education and Training Command (NAVEDTRA): The purpose is to
familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing
should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo
chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety
observer.

Special Forces Command (SEALS): The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle
to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve
maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at
night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.

Bureau of Naval Personnel (BUPERS): Due to the needs of the Navy, the
chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road.
This will be a 3-year unaccompanied tour and we promise to give the
chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be
required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not
affect its opportunities for future promotion.

Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I can
neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit.
Questions? Please see the SSO.

Naval Air Warfare Center (NAWC): This event will need confirmation; we
need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather
conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the
parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they
might cross thruways designated by some as roads.

Naval Surface Reserve Force (NAVSURFRESFOR) : The chicken should log this
as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates
the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a
Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may
update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.

Commander-in- Chief, U.S. Naval Forces, Europe (CINCUSNAVEUR) : The
purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken
remained under the OPCON of COMSIXTHFLEET and did not CHOP to the
theater on the other side of the road. Without CHOPing, the chicken was
able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time
in-transit visibility.

Theater Air Control Center (TACC): We need the road-crossing time and
the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

Naval Intelligence: What chicken?

Naval Air Systems Command (NAVAIRSYSCOM) : The chicken was instructed to
hold short of the road. This road incursion incident was reported in a
Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please reemphasize that
chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.

Naval Sea Systems Command (NAVSEASYSCOM) : Recent changes in technology,
coupled with today's multi-polar- strategic environment, have created new
challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was
also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core
competencies required for this new environment.

NAVSEASYSCOM' s Chicken Systems Program Office (MS400CSPO): In a
partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by
rethinking its physical distribution Strategy and implementation
processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the
chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences
to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of
its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. The CSPS
convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens
along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation
industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to
leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit,
and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the
implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of
poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like
setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was
strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent,
clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken's
mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the
creation of a total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems
Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its
mission. The actual crossing of the road has not occurred, however, due
to the number of action items still open from the meeting.

Space and Naval Warfare Systems Command (SPAWARSYSCOM) : The SPAWAR
Program Office was unaware of the upgrade to the AN/B1RD configuration,
and continues to up port the development of the G005E(V) (GOOSE
relocation process.) As soon as approved drawings and ILS are in place,
SPAWAR will implement installation and checkout of the AN/B1RD as an
adjunct to IT-21.
---------
Three blondes die and find themselves standing before St. Peter. He told
them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what
Easter was.
The first blonde said,
"Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and
eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he turned her away.
The second blonde said,
"Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he turns her away.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,
"Okay, so, tell me."
She says,
"Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival
of Passover. Jesus was having a Passover feast with His disciples when
he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung
Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb
behind a very large boulder..."
St. Peter relies, "Verrrrrry good!"
Well, instead of shutting up while she was ahead, the blonde continues,
"Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out.
If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had
been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said
"Chopsticks are provided only on request." "But," the man countered, "if
you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to
wash all the forks." "True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to
hire three more people to clean up the mess."
------------ ---------
Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to
heaven?" "Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you
ask?" "There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any
pictures of angels with beards." "Oh, that's because most MEN who go to
Heaven get there by a close shave."
------------ ---------
After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at
the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our
cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was
able to locate my vehicle easily. "Wow," the woman said. "I sure could
use a gadget like that to help me find my car." "Actually," I replied,
"that gadget's called 'my husband.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball
deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the
embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he
spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny
object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old
golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here,
I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out:
"What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you
can't get out of here with an 8-iron."




The Way It Is...

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person will be fired.

"The Steel Law of Distribution"
They what has some... They gets more.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkedness"
You cannot fall off the floor.

"The Law of Management"
The first myth of good management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Washington's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where
he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms."

"I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit
where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight
checks.

He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang
and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after
another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the
third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants
answering to a captain's every whim. He quickly returned to his place
seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door willit be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's flight
attendants' hell."

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ramblings Of A Retired Mind -

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my
garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have
something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it
"Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is
falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have
you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case
of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while
they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking
their pictures!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their
finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.




Jimmy Mac Dougall left home to go to the University in England.
After a few months his parent made the trip from Scotland to see how he was getting on.
"So, bonny lad ,how is it going,"said his mother.
"Fine, fine ,said Jimmy."although I have some strange neighbours,"
"Aye ,"said his father ."what is wrong with them?"
"The one on the right keeps banging his head against the wall all the time and the one on the other side keeps screaming all the time."
"So, how do you cope with all that?"said his mother.
"Oh, I take no notice,"he said "I just keep playing my bagpipes."
~~~~~~~~~
During a training cruise, a destroyer was weaving its way through a
myriad of islands and small fishing boats. Although it was a clear day,
the radar was in operation to train the reservists.
A report came from the radar room to the bridge, "Target bearing
230 degrees, believe it to be a log."
Unimpressed by this superb job of radar interpretation, the young
Officer of the Deck scanned the water with his powerful glasses.
Perceiving a pair of sea gulls on top of the accurately reported
log, he barked, "Radar, this is the bridge. Regarding your last
reported target, there are two sea gulls on that log which you failed to
report!"
There was a long silence as the radar antenna was swung about and
pointed in the direction of the log. Then the voice of the chief
radarman was heard, "Regarding the last sighting, we have a correction
to make, sir. There ARE two sea gulls on that log -- one male, the other
female!"
~~~~~~~~~ ~
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist
who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let
you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
~~~~~~~~~
When we agreed to help our sergeant move to a new apartment, we
didn't know the elevator wasn't working. So after hours of carrying
heavy boxes and furniture up 11 floors, we were wiped out. And when
the sergeant asked us to search for his favorite pot, no one moved.
"I'll give a bottle of Scotch to whoever finds it," he shouted.
Within minutes, a private found the pot.
"Good," said the sarge. "Now look for the Scotch."
~~~~~~~~~ ~

Signs You Have A Bad Travel Agent

- Gets you cheap airfare then asks, "You know how to fly a
737, right?"

- The itinerary shows you crossing the Pacific Ocean on
Amtrak.

- Reserves you a great package for seven days and two
nights.

- Books you on something called "Dulta Airlines."

- Looks at you funny after hearing there's a "South"
America.

- "Rental car" turns out to be a donkey with cupholders.

- No matter what your destination, you have a layover in Afghanistan.



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