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This That And Frog Hair2: Chcukles

Friday, April 13, 2007

Chcukles


A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company
(General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri
River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak
performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese
won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to
investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management
team made up of senior management was formed to investigate
and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the
Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the
American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management
hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of
money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too
many people were steering the boat, while not enough people
were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent
another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management
structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors,
3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent
steering manager. They also implemented a new performance
system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater
incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality
First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.
There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other
equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the
American management laid off the rower for poor performance,
halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money
saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and
the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.


.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-
Polish Sausage..

In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage," asked a shopper? The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The customer, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?" The clerk says, "Well, no!""If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't! "With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish simply because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks hard at him, and replies, "Because you're at Home Depot!!!"
"__._,_.___
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything
with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - "Take a
clean dish and...."




I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy,
Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven
it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke
down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement
parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses
ranged from "Mas-a-what? " to "You've got to be kidding." One guy
just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed
Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry
any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he
replied. "Oil."
"__._,_.___
1. Can you make a word using these letters?

PNLLEEEESSSSS

2. Tomorrow today will be yesterday, and yesterday today
was tomorrow.When tomorrow is yesterday, today will be
as near to Sunday as today was when yesterday was tomorrow.
What day is it?

3. Can you name ten parts of the human body (no slang words)
that have only three letters?

4. Make 1000 by using only eight 8's.

5. A chemist discovered that a certain chemical reaction took
80 minutes when he wore a wool jacket. But when he wasn't
wearing the jacket, the same reaction always took an hour
and 20 minutes. Can you explain?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____
Scroll down if you 'really' don't know the answers.

t

t

t

t

1. Sleeplessness

2. Wednesday

3. eye, ear, lip, arm, leg, rib, hip, toe, gum, jaw,
Few people get more than seven.

4. 8 + 8 + 8 + 88 + 888 = 1000

5. Eighty minutes is, of course, exactly the same as one hour and
20 minutes.
.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the
menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just
as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a
tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.

'Oh my God, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly
slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening
and demands an explanation.

'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the chicken surprise'

'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter..... 'I've
brought you the Peking duck'
"__._,_.___
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.

Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named
Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the
farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily
dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and
very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong
name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he
thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
In search of a new shower for our home, my wife and I went to a
bathroom-supply store.
We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near
closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come
back the next day to make our final decision.
Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same
young lady from the bathroom-supply store was now working a shift as a
waitress.
As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in
a voice loud enough for nearby diners to hear. .
"HEY! You're the man who needs a shower!'"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery. They
immediately set out to begin a life of luxury.
They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded
themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.
They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled
to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency
and brought him back to their estate.
The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room
table for 4 people, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The
couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for 8 people. They asked
the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set
the table for just four.
The butler replied. . . . .
"The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the
Kitschs."
A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of a December
night in Brooklyn, and the police arrived just in time to collar the
burglar, Morris Spiegel, as he was leaving the premises with a big bag
full of loot. Soon, he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge.
"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.
"What's an accomplice?" replied Morris.
"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"
"What else?" demanded the culprit? "Who can get honest and reliable
help these days?"





The new father was left with the baby all day while mom went shopping
for some un-maternity clothes.
When she returned she went to check on the baby. The smell was
overpowering. She found the disposable diaper full and leaking. She was
furious!
She confronted her husband,
"Didn't you bother to check the baby's diaper all day?"
The new dad responded,
"Well, the box says it's good for up to eight pounds!"
"My trouble," said Tinkleman, "is that I can't pee."
"How old are you?" asked the doctor.
Tinkleman said, "I'm one hundred and seven."
"Well," said Rosenstein, "you peed enough!"
"__._,_.___
Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back"
churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally
replies.
One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church
to become better.
He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed,
and walk."
The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
Encouraged by their response, he went further.
"If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside
it's hindrances and run!"
The congregation replied,
"Let it run, preacher, let it run!"
Now really into his message, he spoke stronger.
"If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up
it's wings and fly!"
"Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts.
The Preacher gets louder.
"If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"
The congregation replied.
"Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
At Andersen Air Force Base, Guam, a man in civilian clothes approached
an airman and requested a vehicle pass.
The young airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his
military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration.
Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman
asked,
"What's BG stand for -- Big Guy?"
"No," the man replied, leaning over the counter. . .
"Try Brigadier General."
*********
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their
domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local
newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and
happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the
man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on
the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule
stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little
further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said,
'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the
third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot
the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when
she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'
"__._,_.___
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to
get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to
frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave.

"Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let
me know what you think."
------------
A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the chief.
How' s about letting me have one of your women for a little while?
Asked the paleface.
The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"
"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn." Said the paleface.
"A bag of corn huh." Replied the chief.
The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that
woman there into my teepee." He said.
So the paleface took the woman into the teepee where she took all her
clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and
said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."
The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy saying,
"This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her
ass saying, "This corn hole."
---------
Question and Answer:

Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A.
They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex
life? A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat
anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
waist? A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back? A.
A police horse.

Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half
mast? A. They're hiring.

Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love
handles removed? A. Yeah...now he has no ears.

Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.

Q. How do you do a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
---------
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't miss Charles, the Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the big top, in the
center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member
and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on
their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the
same circus and saw the same faded sign that read,"Don't Miss Charles, the
Amazing Italian".

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his
act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the
table.The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed
the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Amazed, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from
walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
--------- --
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big white circle
around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I
thought, "Man, I look like a clown."

I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got
in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down
to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out
balloons?"

------------
The Lone Ranger was ambushed
and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great
Lone Ranger.

In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be
executed in three days.

Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,

'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers
in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns
with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back. As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief
admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse,
but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to
his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again
whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more
attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian
Chief is again impressed.

'You are indeed a man of many talents,
but I will still kill you tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,

'I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone. '

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger
grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen very carefully

for....the.. ..last... .time,

I said.....

'BRING POSSE'


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