[A physician claims these are actual comments from his
patients made while he was performing colonoscopies. ]
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man
has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific! "
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.
You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my
head is not, in fact, up there?"
Why are blondes like pianos? When they aren't upright, they're grand.
What do blondes do for foreplay? Remove their underwear.
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
Did you hear about the new course you can take at school? Yes, Intercourse
.. you go between periods and you are expected to come.
There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may
never piss this way again."
She was so wild that when she made French toast she got her tongue caught in
the toaster. - Rodney Dangerfield
Q: What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A: The pickpocket snatches your watch.
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks
a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes
a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello
master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking
tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila
whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he
gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at
the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells
the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste and it
is the best tequila he has ever tasted. the Mexican yells to
his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly."
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another
glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink
it. It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is
the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and
partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his
wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to
fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is
excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells
his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we
will drink Tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the
table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills
it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one
Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor,
you drink from the bottle."
According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who
wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who
wear leather pants don't like women. (Conan O'Brien)
Study at the Oregon Health and Science University shows that 8% of
sheep are gay, and 73% of those prefer farmers. (Bob Mills)
One day our German class was unusually talkative despite repeated warnings,
and our teacher was becoming rather exasperated. After what must have been
the sixth or eighth warning, he raised his voice to declare, "All right! The
next person who talks is going to be severely castigated."
The class was then very quiet for a few seconds, at least until a girl in
the front row asked the teacher, "Mr. T--, how are you going to do that to a