Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our
church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.
One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel,
the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an
emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He
said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the
good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that
he would be able to do the story time after all.
He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed
lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the
sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off
and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were
the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic
gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the
sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, "Jesus,
Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy,
"Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug "I guess
you must be a sheep dog."
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to
meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains
were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use
the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone
the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box
and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester."This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck
Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank
than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade.
Q. What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A. A sex-change operation.
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors,
and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between
his neck and the noose.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. Q. How
do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time
they see a bikini. Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A.
Make him wear shoes.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end
of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? A. Big
Foot's been spotted a several times. Q. What's the smartest thing a man
can say? A. "My wife says..." Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A.
Because they're all pigs. Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger
make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end
they need to wipe.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!
One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... My bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times. I liked it."
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
Section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks
to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for
Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first Class who
in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The Co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that she
Only paid for Economy and she will have to leave and return to her
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Houston and I'm staying right here.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably
should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The Pilot says, 'You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this.
I'm married to a blonde. I speak Blonde.'
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and
She says, 'Oh, I'm sorry.' And she gets up and goes back to her seat
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston."
Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and
arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael
approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather
than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped
to ask a question.
"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf
course you have here" he said to St. Peter.
"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.
"But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed "Well if I can't
see it, then I'm not coming in!"
"Very well Michael. As you wish...look through the gates." He looked and
saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him
sick to his stomach.
"Forget it. There is no way in Hell I'm going to spend eternity playing
on that course!"
Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. "Come over
here and see what I have to offer." Michael peers through the gate and
he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has
ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says "I want to play THAT course!"
"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."
St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the
gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said "I
can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared with
laughter. "Oh, there aren't any."