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This That And Frog Hair2: laugh time

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

laugh time


Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed
up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and
telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy
of service which I had not previously considered possible, as
well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can
either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties or more likely (I suspect) so that
you can have some entertaining reading material as you while
away the working day smoking B&Hs and drinking vendor-coffee
on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or
notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on
my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.
When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your
helpful websites. How? I alleviated the boredom to some
small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -
an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly
adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks
later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of
vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After
several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls
over 4 weeks) my modem arrived - a total of six weeks after I
had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is
roughly 35%.
These are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight,
Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the
weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I
have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line
this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety
of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a
telephone line is available (and someone will call me back),
that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me
back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether
or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off),
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not
a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that
I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the
irritating Scottish robot woman) and several other variations
on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have
at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore,
and also another one of those crucially important testicle
moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer
to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your
unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I
used to think that BT (British Telecom) were shit, that they
had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer
relations, that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to their customers.
That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone
else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly
are.
You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers
though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in
the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I
suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future
attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you
have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any
such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cat's litter tray, as an statement of my utter and complete
contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I
sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during
transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting,
and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL,
and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short
life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful

bunch of twats.

Psychotically yours,


Weaker Sex

Q:- Why are female humans considered as a weaker sex...?
A:- Only male humans consider female humans to be the weaker sex...in
ACTUAL fact, females are the superior sex ....just take a look at wild
animals, say, lions....the lioness does the hunting whilst the lion just
stupidly eats and mates...

Q:- Why do ladies, in general, wear make-up...?
A:- Because we girls know that in this society, we should never reveal
our true selves to strangers... only loved ones get to see our real
faces

Q:- Why is it that only ladies can get pregnant and not men..?
A:- Children are naturally close to mothers rather than fathers cos the
women are the ones who give birth to them.... And the future lies in the
hands of these children who are directly *controlled* by their
mothers....So what do we have ? A future directed by WOMEN !!

Q:- Why do ladies like to keep long fingernails in general...?
A:- What a stupidly biased question (by a MAN, of course)... Why do men
like to keep moustaches ..?

Q:- Why are ladies more fuss than guys...?
A:- God wanna punish guys.

Q:- Why do we see that gals often dresses in guys dressing like pants,
etc and not visa-versa.. ?
A:- Because we gals are not afraid to try anything, unlike the other
sex!

Q:- Why do guys gives flowers to their girlfriends. ...?
A:- Because guys are too cheap to give their girlfriends diamonds or
even cold hard cash.... and the worse thing is that some may foolishly
believe the florist's claim that flowers are supposedly romantic !

Q:- Why do ladies usually cry during a wedding...?
A:- Cos she suddenly realized that she's stuck with the jerk beside her
for the next 50 years or so..... Boo ! Hoo ! Hoo !

Q:- What's the greatest mistake a guy could ever make..?.
A:- Asking a lady all the above questions!
~~~~~~~~~ ~
Q. Why are men like dolphins?
A. They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.

Q. Why can't a man be handsome and intelligent at the same time?
A. That would make him a woman.

Q. Why are batteries better than men?
A. Batteries have at least one positive side.

Q. What's the difference between Pauly and coffee?
A. None. They both get on your nerves.

Q. Why do men prefere to marry a virgin?
A. Because they can't stand criticism.

Q. What do you call a goodlooking intelligent and sensitive man?
A. A rumour.

Q. Why do men exist?
A. Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Q. What would the world be like without men?
A. Full of happy fat women.

A man is like a video, forward backward, forward, backward, stop, eject

Men are like whales No brain and all their strength in the tail

Q. What does a woman not want to hear after good sex?
A. Honey, I'm home!

Q. What does a woman do after good sex?
A. Put on her clothes and go home.
~~~~~~~~~
Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living
room. ! 6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against
you. 6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again. 6 years : What's not to
understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound?? 6
months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane? 6
years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to
bed, I can stay up by myself.
~~~~~~~~~ ~

THERE IS A LESSON TO BE LEARNED HERE......

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things
that took two arms.
One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He
got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He
looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly,
useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving
his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could
do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.
He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."
~~~~~~~~~

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