One day, Little Johnny came home from school. He went into
the house and found no one around, which he thought was
strange because his parent's car and his grandparent'
was in the driveway. He searches all over the house. Finally
he went upstairs to his parent's room and opened the door.
There was his Dad and Mom making out.
"What are you doing, Dad?" Little Johnny asked.
"Playing poker son and your mom's my wild card. Leave us
alone, go find Grandpa and Grandma."
Off Little Johnny goes to the next bedroom and there are
grandma and grandpa having sex.
"What are you doing Grandpa?" little Johnny asked.
"Playing poker and Grandma's my wild card."
So little Johnny leaves the room. A few hours go by and it's
time for dinner, but nobody can find little Johnny. Dad goes
up to his bedroom and finds him masturbating.
"What are you doing?" Dad asks.
"Playing poker, Dad," Little Johnny said.
"Well, where's your wild card?" asked Dad.
Little Johnny replies, "With a hand like this, I don't need
a wild card!"
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married
students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. Before she
left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your
side." "Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing
his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's
good," I said, feeling genuinely relieved. "Yeah," she continued. "It's
strange. He normally sleeps during your class."
Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should
consider carefully before proposing marriage.
* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square
* Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?
* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.
* Have you noticed her name tattoed on three or more local bikers?
* Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay
* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in- a-Drum?
* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?
* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?
* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House of
When to Accept a Proposal... Or Not
Women who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should
consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage.
* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help
with his laundry?
* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local
* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's Island"
at least four times?
* Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot
of unruly nose hair?
* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own
stack of ketchup packets?
* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?
* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial
* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his
two-man sales force into his office. "Things aren't going too well,
guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a
contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job." "What does the
loser get?" asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and
said, "The loser gets to give it."
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living
room. ! 6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against
you. 6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again. 6 years : What's not to
understand about what I just said??
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound?? 6
months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane? 6
years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to
bed, I can stay up by myself.
THERE IS A LESSON TO BE LEARNED HERE......
There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things
that took two arms.
One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He
got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He
looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly,
useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving
his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could
do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to
be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning
to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other
choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty
fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before
she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked
over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in
a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her
face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the
woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about
it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
Q:- Why are female humans considered as a weaker sex...?
A:- Only male humans consider female humans to be the weaker sex...in
ACTUAL fact, females are the superior sex ....just take a look at wild
animals, say, lions....the lioness does the hunting whilst the lion just
stupidly eats and mates...
Q:- Why do ladies, in general, wear make-up...?
A:- Because we girls know that in this society, we should never reveal
our true selves to strangers... only loved ones get to see our real
Q:- Why is it that only ladies can get pregnant and not men..?
A:- Children are naturally close to mothers rather than fathers cos the
women are the ones who give birth to them.... And the future lies in the
hands of these children who are directly *controlled* by their
mothers....So what do we have ? A future directed by WOMEN !!
Q:- Why do ladies like to keep long fingernails in general...?
A:- What a stupidly biased question (by a MAN, of course)... Why do men
like to keep moustaches ..?
Q:- Why are ladies more fuss than guys...?
A:- God wanna punish guys.
Q:- Why do we see that gals often dresses in guys dressing like pants,
etc and not visa-versa.. ?
A:- Because we gals are not afraid to try anything, unlike the other
Q:- Why do guys gives flowers to their girlfriends. ...?
A:- Because guys are too cheap to give their girlfriends diamonds or
even cold hard cash.... and the worse thing is that some may foolishly
believe the florist's claim that flowers are supposedly romantic !
Q:- Why do ladies usually cry during a wedding...?
A:- Cos she suddenly realized that she's stuck with the jerk beside her
for the next 50 years or so..... Boo ! Hoo ! Hoo !
Q:- What's the greatest mistake a guy could ever make..?.
A:- Asking a lady all the above questions!
Q. Why are men like dolphins?
A. They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.
Q. Why can't a man be handsome and intelligent at the same time?
A. That would make him a woman.
Q. Why are batteries better than men?
A. Batteries have at least one positive side.
Q. What's the difference between Pauly and coffee?
A. None. They both get on your nerves.
Q. Why do men prefere to marry a virgin?
A. Because they can't stand criticism.
Q. What do you call a goodlooking intelligent and sensitive man?
A. A rumour.
Q. Why do men exist?
A. Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Q. What would the world be like without men?
A. Full of happy fat women.
A man is like a video, forward backward, forward, backward, stop, eject
Men are like whales No brain and all their strength in the tail
Q. What does a woman not want to hear after good sex?
A. Honey, I'm home!
Q. What does a woman do after good sex?
A. Put on her clothes and go home.