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This That And Frog Hair2: Have a Great Day Friends.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Have a Great Day Friends.


HOW TO BE ANNOYING:

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist
to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the
entry for alt.sex.fetish. hamster.duct- tape.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in
public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic
parts of rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with
Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".

Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic- cyrillic- landscape mode.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on
all of someone's roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/ UFO/OJ
Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador" .

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb
Chops?)

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Drive half a block.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what
YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back
in the tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect
a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the
listener it was a "real hoot".

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything
they touch with a can of Lysol.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme
song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand hat people
pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play
along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the
faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatata ta-suhWING- batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble
their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological
profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't
cricket."

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your
ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people
with it, announcing the results.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cossell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.








Heather meets up with her [blonde] sister Karen as she is picking her
car up from the mechanic. Heather asks,

"Everything ok with your car now, Karen?"

Karen replies,

"Yeah, thank goodness! I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip
me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker
fluid."

------------

Harry and Molly had been married for many years but now were in divorce
court.

The judge asked,

"Harry, is it true that in the last three years of your marriage, you
did not speak to Molly?"

Harry replies,

"Yes, Judge, that would be correct."

"And just how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires.

Harry replies,

"Well, I didn't want to interrupt her, Your Honor."

----------

Two of the secretaries at the high school where I taught for many years
had a morning break together and it was their practice to share sweets
and coffee daily in the teachers' room. One day one would bring
something to share and the next day the other would bring something to
share.

Frequently a male teacher would pass through while the ladies were
taking their morning break. He would see their goodies on the table and
say something like.

"Oh, doughnuts!"

Then he would help himself and keep right on going into the copy room.
This practice of his grated on their nerves since he was never offered
anything, never contributed, or even asked if he could help himself.

So one day after they had taken all of this they could, they took a
doughnut that was filled with custard, squeezed out the custard and
replaced it with mustard. That day the male teacher came in helped
himself to the only doughnut left on the plate and kept on walking. He
never said one word about the mustard, but he never did come in again
while the secretaries were taking their break.

---------

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the
pre-school wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way
to the cafeteria.

One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his
clerical clothes and asked,

"Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then
the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked,

"Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab
looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the
boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the
name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked,

"Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering
intently at the letters he said,

"Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

----------

Q. Why did the cowboy take hay with him to bed?

A To feed his nightmares.



WHO SAYS THE SENIORS IN FLORIDA DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE USE OF THE INTERNET?

FOXY LADY FROM KINGS POINT
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6
), searching
For sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a
plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: BOCA TECA
Recent widow - have just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone
To round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a
problem.

SERENITY NOW: CENTURY VILLAGE - LYONS ROAD
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If
you are
The silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy
quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: TAMARAC
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share
rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights
and still still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and
listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember
Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

IN MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts
Including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks
well

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