White Reash Wed (R)ated

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch
rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing
about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to
Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when
we first started dating and you used to just casually
reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over
at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther,
"Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged,
you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on
the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma
and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you
remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind
of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed
into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where
are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
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A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am
I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young
polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you
are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked
his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said
his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his
parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all
real
polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother.
"Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing.

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One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on
top... The mouth said, ''I should be on top because, without me, you
wouldn't be able to eat.'' Then the stomach said, ''Ya but if it weren't
for me, you wouldn't be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and
vitamins throughout the body, I should be on top.'' Then the heart said,
''I should be on top because I'm the one who takes the blood from point
A to point B. Without me, the body would die.'' Then the brain said, ''
Well, without me, you wouldn't be able to move, eat, digest or allow
circulation of blood, so I should be on top.'' Now, the asshole was
beginning to get annoyed, ''You know, I should be on top because
I can just shut my hole and then shit will accumulate and block the
digestive track and screw all of you up.'' It was chaos, everyone was
yelling and fighting. Finally, the asshole got fed up, ''That's it, I'm
fed
up, I'm shutting up my hole.''

So for a few days, the body couldn't shit and the brain had trouble
moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow
going, everyone was begging the asshole to open up, The brain said,
''Please open up, you made your point, your on top, just open up.''
The asshole smiled, ''So everyone agrees that I'm on top?'' ''YES''
everyone shouted. ''OK!'' so the asshole opened up and the body
could shit again. The moral of this story is, you have to be an asshole
to
be on top....
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Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local
town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we
never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower
Show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,
completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front
door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall
followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by
a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement! "




A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said,
"I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at
the same time".
The husband thought for a few moments, then said,
"Your pussy is tighter than your sister's".
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Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
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One day, an African chief's wife gave birth to a white child and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously. "You have been having sex with my wife," he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, attempting to wriggle out of the difficult situation explained Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful black man. "You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the chief's herd, "Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them." "OK! OK!" said the chief. "You keep your mouth shut and so will I."
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A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."
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One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class. The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger than the previous day. Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the blackboard: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"


Q. What did the blonde's mum say to her before her date? A. If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
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A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was. "Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a man?" "My, yes," the recruit giggled, "but it would take days and days."
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Thought for the Day: To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for." - James H. Boren
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--- A Swiss scientist has invented a new bra! It offers more support which will prevent a woman's breasts from bouncing around, and will keep her nipples hidden...... ....even in cold temperatures.... After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a large group of men beat the shit out of him.
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A man goes into a hamburger stand and orders a burger. The waitress takes out two frozen patties and sticks them under her arms. The man says "What the hell are you doing?!" She replies "I'm defrosting them!" The other guy at the counter says, "In that case, you can cancel my fuckin' hotdog!"
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A Classic... A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." The lady was infuriated and said, "You foul-mouthed swine! "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
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Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastor's son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell." "No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?" "Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night."
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A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by. Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most. "The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"
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When Doug returned to the house one evening, his wife Tammy announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said Doug very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "You're damn right it wasn't," Tammy said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we took from the Hotel while we were on vacation."
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Little Johnny had a first date lined up with a
woman he had been
after for quite a while. When she finally consented
to go out with
him, he wanted to plan the most romantic evening
he could.

He picked her up at her apartment, and then drove
out to the beach.
Little Johnny had prepared very carefully for
this date and brought
out a blanket for them to sit upon the sand and a
bottle of the
finest wine. The moonlight was shining down on
them and Little Johnny
poured his date some wine. He handed her the
glass, looked lovingly
in to her eyes and said,

"Now this is what I call romantic. The waves
crashing on the shore,
the moonlight in your eyes, a warm tropical
breeze, a bottle of
wine.....," he takes a sip of wine and says,
"Oh and by the way...do
you Spit or Swallow?




A girl says to her date, "You're in for a
real treat. I've been told
that I have a body just like New Jersey."
So, her date grabs her
waist and asks, "What's this?"
She replies, "This is Middlesex."
He grabs her butt and asks, "What's this?
She replies "Freehold."
Then he grabs her breast and asks, "What's this?"
She replies "Point Pleasant."
Finally, he reaches! between her thighs and says,
"I guess this is Cherry Hill?"
"No", She replies, "That's Eatontown."
The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his
pants and says, "Welcome to Wildwood!"
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Heh! Manuel! 'Ow are you?"

"Verrry wella. 'Ow are you, Pepe?"
"Soooo happy! I am married, my wife is da mosta
beautifool woooman in da world! She cooksa mosta
tasty chillie, she isa da besta 'ousekeeper,
you musta come an' see 'er. There's justa one
thinga, she is a mute, she cannotta speaka at all."
A couple of days later Pepe sees Manuel.
"Hey, Manuel, 'ave you seena my wife?"
"Yeah."
"And whatta you thinka?"
"She is DISGUSTING!"
"Disgusting? My Chiquita? Why?"
"I wentta to see you. I politely said to 'er ,
'My name is Manuel.
I 'ave come to see Pepe. Is he at 'ome? Where
is he?' So, she turns her back to me,
she lifta 'er skirt up, bends forward, and she
isn't wearing anything underneatha! Then, she
showsa me the coffee pot. Disgusting."

"Nah, she is not disgusting, she was telling
you, 'That asshole is ina da cafe'."



John walked into a bar in Louisville, Kentucky and ordered a drink.
While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V.,
one of Hillary's political ads came on.
After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone,
"Hillary is a horse's ass!"
Clancy the bartender reached under the bar
and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long
and hit John square across the mouth,
knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.
After a minute or two, John got up,
straightened himself up and said to Clancy,
"I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."
"It's not!" replied Clancy.

"This is horse country!"

This Should Make Ya Smile

My car broke down, Officer"

A lady has a breakdown and pulls to the side of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two
cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle
facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to
approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly
enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!" asks the Officer...
"Emergency flashers -- what else?" she replied.
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What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.

Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask
for
directions

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini

Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy

Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.

How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.

Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.

Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.

Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.

Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.

What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.

How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.

What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days


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An old man sitting on the nursing home porch in the spring sunlight
turns to the old man sitting next to him and chuckles, "Spring days
like this really take me back. Do you remember the first time you
made love to your wife?"

"Hell No", says the other fellow, "I don't even remember the LAST
time...."

~~~~~

At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.

"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let
you do a thing like that to me?"

Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the
s.o.b. that stole my diary..."

~~~~

As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and
out of heavy traffic with complete abandon. After a few hair
raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said, "Would
you please be more careful? I have six children at home."

"Scheesch lady." murmured the cabbie. "You got six kids
and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"
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Interpreting A Police Report

What the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2)

(1) While on routine patrol...
(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was
closed.

(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a
reckless manner.
(2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-
DON'T FEED THE PIGS"

(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims
prevented this officer from doing traffic
control.
(2) It was raining.

(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain
intelligence information from a street
informant.
(2) It was too hot to ride in the car.

(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious
manner...
(2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked
by.

(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
(2) He puked on my uniform one night...

(1) The informant is of known credibility and has
provided reliable information in the past...
(2) I've got two theft cases hanging over his
head...

(1) While being arrested, this subject resisted
arrest, and was injured in the act...
(2) He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirrored
sunglasses.. .

(1) The motorist was cited for multiple traffic
violations.. .
(2) I wrote one citation for each swearword he
used...

(1) Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a
voice from inside the house say "Come in" so
this writer entered through the door...
(2) The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have
heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.

(1) The members of the press at the scene were
offered every courtesy within departmental
policies...
(2) I sent then to a non-existent address which I
called the "Command Post."

(1) I gave the motorist a verbal warning for
speeding...
(2) She was a good-looking blonde who owned a
liquor store and who was free after my shift was
over.

(1) The Chief appeared at the scene and took
command...
(2) I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

(1) Further interview of the witness was impossible,
due to conditions.
(2) It was my bowling night...

(1) The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred
speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled
strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
(2) He was howling at the moon and trying to drive
the car from the back seat.

(1) Using only enough force to restrain the
subject...
(2) My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through
the Goal Post of Life"

(1) The defendant asked this officer's advice on how
to act before the judge at his arraignment. ..
(2) I told him he didn't have the balls to call the
judge the same name he called me.
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A drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom lady a few seats
down -- I'd estimate a 44DD bra. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a
beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the
lady's breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her
breasts. This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks
him! He's laying on the floor and moans, "Why do you let the bartender do
it?"
"Because he has a liquor license! You don't!"
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It was the first time that had made love. They were
fondling each other intimately. She had his donger
in her hand.

"What do you call it?" she asked. "Some guys
call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie.
What do you call yours?"

"I don't have to call mine anything," he replied
"It usually 'cums' without being called."





An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
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The small girl had recently received a new watch and
some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their
family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted
so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her
mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not
interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to
disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and
whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it
laying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at
the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty
attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or Iwill
fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I
don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young
alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge
explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien
off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away
in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big
green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.
"He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then
stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"



A Visual Effect

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it
as he's liable to break something. The boy continues...
"Jake!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!
__._,_.___





Bear Hunting



Two men were on a bear hunting trip, but
one hunter decided to stay in the cabin one day,
while the other went out hunting for a bear.

The hunter soon found a huge bear,
shot at it, but only wounded it.


The wounded bear immediately charged the hunter,
so he ran for the cabin.

He ran as fast as he could, but the bear was just a
little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped
and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped
over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, ran back outside,
closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside,


"You skin this one while I go and get another one!"




A Pirate and a Land-Lubber"
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.
He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

Thoughts For Sunday

Remember...
Once you get over the hill,

you'll begin to pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine.
Sometimes I even put some in the food.


...If it weren't for STRESS
I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan...
Will Not Be Evenly Distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some, just don't have any film.

I always know...God won't give me more
than I can handle. There are times
I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff

If the shoe fits... buy a pair in every color.

Never be too open-minded,

your brains may fall out.

Just going to church doesn't

make you a Christian.
Not any more than standing

in a garage makes you a car!

Bills travel through the mail...

at twice the speed of checks.

If you look like your passport picture...
you probably need the trip.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Men are from earth.
Women are from earth.

Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

By the time you can make

ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others.
Trust me... you can't live long enough
to make them all yourself.

I've tried!!

Have A Great Day!!!

This is Fun

Click here: Scratch & Sniff
IF YOU HAVE SOUNDYOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE..... MAKE SURE IT'S!! ON!!!
Click here: Scratch & Sniff

Saturday Giggles

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter



"Want coffee." The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says ...



"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.



A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!
One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... My bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times. I liked it."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
Section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks
to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for
Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
the
co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first Class who
belongs
in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The Co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that she
Only paid for Economy and she will have to leave and return to her
seat.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Houston and I'm staying right here.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably
should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The Pilot says, 'You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this.
I'm married to a blonde. I speak Blonde.'
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and
She says, 'Oh, I'm sorry.' And she gets up and goes back to her seat
in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston."



Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and
arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael
approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather
than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped
to ask a question.
"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf
course you have here" he said to St. Peter.
"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.
"But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed "Well if I can't
see it, then I'm not coming in!"
"Very well Michael. As you wish...look through the gates." He looked and
saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him
sick to his stomach.
"Forget it. There is no way in Hell I'm going to spend eternity playing
on that course!"
Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. "Come over
here and see what I have to offer." Michael peers through the gate and
he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has
ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says "I want to play THAT course!"
"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."
St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the
gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said "I
can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared with
laughter. "Oh, there aren't any."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our
church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.
One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel,
the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an
emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He
said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the
good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that
he would be able to do the story time after all.
He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed
lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the
sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off
and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were
the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic
gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the
sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating
himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, "Jesus,
Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy,
"Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug "I guess
you must be a sheep dog."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to
meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains
were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use
the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone
the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box
and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester."This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck




Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank
than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade.
Q. What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A. A sex-change operation.
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors,
and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between
his neck and the noose.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. Q. How
do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time
they see a bikini. Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A.
Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end
of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? A. Big
Foot's been spotted a several times. Q. What's the smartest thing a man
can say? A. "My wife says..." Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A.
Because they're all pigs. Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites
attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger
make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end
they need to wipe.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.


After his attorney's motion to suppress evidence was denied by the court
John spoke up,
"Your Honor," he said, "What would you do if I called you a stupid,
degenerate, old fool!"
The Judge really angered, revered,
"I would hold you in contempt of Court and see to have you put in jail
for the longest time allowed by law!"
Quickly thinking, John's shocked attorney, asked,
"What if he only 'thought' it, Your Honor?"
"In that case, there is nothing I could do, he has the right to think
whatever he wishes." replied the Judge.
"Oh I see," said john, "then, if it pleases the court, let the record
reflect that I 'think' you're a stupid, degenerate, old fool!"
------------ -----

Daffynitions Not Found in Webster's. . . .
Secret: what we tell everyone not to tell anyone.
Hospital: where you might wind up if you get run down.
Nudist: a person who is never clothes-minded.
Twins: womb-mates.
Tension: what the sergeant shouts to the troops.
Bargain Basement: a place where what you seize is what you get.
Zinc: what you do if you can't zwim.
Paralyze: a couple of fibs.
Bacteria: rear entrance to a cafeteria.
Seamstress: a real material girl.
Diploma: the person you call when your toilet backs up.
Operetta: an employee of the phone company.
Calculator: a product you can count on.
Microwave: a head full of tiny curls.
Jail cell: a bar room.
Golf cart: a vehicle with a fore cylinder engine.
Minister: a man who is the soul support of his family.
Cashew: the noise a nut makes when it sneezes.
Stupendous: advanced stupidity.
Hurricane: what Abel said to his brother when he was late for school..
------------ -----
My wife's as cold as marble...... she says I take her for granite.
My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist.. ...
for most of their mrried life they fought tooth and nail.
I used to run a doughnut shop but I got tired of the hole business.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Mrs Gumbo was backing out of her driveway when she heard a sickening
'thump'. She stopped the car in a panic and rushed out to see what had
happened. There, at the end of the driveway, was a small dog lying on
its side. It was dead. (okay, everybody... .'Awwwwwww! )
Mrs Gumbo felt just awful. She knew it was her neighbor's dog. Looking
very worried, she climbed the front staris of her neighbor's house and
knocked on the door. She waited for a couple of minutes. Finally, a man
answered.
"I'm soooo sorry," Mrs Gumbo said "I was backing out of my driveway just
a few minutes ago when I heard a 'thump'. I got out of my car to see
what had happened. Your dog was lying dead at the end of the driveway.
I'm afraid that I ran over her and I feel just terrible about it. I
*insist* on replacing her!"
The man paused and then said. . .
"Okay, well, I guess *you* can bring me my slippers and newspaper
tomorrow morning then."



Short and Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough
to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please
leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always
try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number
of takeoffs you make."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take
without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know
your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to g ive him time to think
of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting
harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
The Java Psalm. . .

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will
fear no Equal(tm): For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar, they
comfort me. Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The
Starbucks; Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life, and I
will dwell in the House of Mocha forever.

Great quotes by comedians

Great quotes by comedians

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
far away."
--Billiam Coronell

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
--Steven Wright

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?"
--Garry Shandling

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

Bunch of REALLY good stuff

Did You Know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes . Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Ba nd-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus. Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer ... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover. Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure ...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine. a powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises ... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly...Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.



Rainy day cure for dog odor ...Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites. All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear...Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief... It's not for breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

If you share this to 10 people and only one of them doesn't know about this, then it was worth it.

The Perfect Marriage

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name w as Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said " Dust!"

The Redneck Challenge

We are tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya...

There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

Useless but interesting Facts

Useless but interesting Facts
* A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
* The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early
1500s.
* The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in
2000B.C.
* Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.
* America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
* When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose
withhis teeth.
* In 1681, the last dodo bird died.
* A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give
her coffee.
* The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
* An Indian woman can legally wed a goat.
* Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear
pants.
* The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
* Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
* What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.
* In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones -
Bhutan.
* The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi
in 1981.
* Every person has a unique tongue print.
* Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
* Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
* When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.
* Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the
pets in their wallets.
* Bubble gum contains rubber.
* You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
* In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."
* Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
* The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in
Jello.
* The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its
legs.
* Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.
* Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.
* Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
* The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of
people.
* Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are.
* Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over
his head.
* In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the
bills.
* A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South
Bend,Indiana.
* About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more
money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]
* It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
* An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day.
* Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It
Hot.
* Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
* Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
* Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres.
Bush in1991.
* Elvis's nickname for his sexual organ was "Little Elvis."
* Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the
western Pacific.
* There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
* Most lipstick contains fish scales.
* Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
* Mosquitos have teeth.
* Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
* Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
* The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard
Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
* When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
* Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
* Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards.
* In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when
patients would die.
* An estimated one in five Americans - some 38 million - don't like sex.
* Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant
"plenty of excrement."
* Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

Funnies

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."
Don't mess with old farts
************
*Redneck Man's pick up lines**

1) Did you fart? *
*cuz you blew me away. **

2) Are yer parents retarded? *
Cuz ya sure are special. **

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . *
*I can't hold it in. **
4) Do you have a library card?*
*cuz I'd like to sign you out. **

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? *
*cuz I can see myself in em. **

6) If you **was a tree** I **were a** **Squirrel, *
*I'd store my nuts in yer hole. **

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, *
*but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, *
*but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. **

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? *
*I think he went inta this cheap motel room. **

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, *
*we kin sleep til afternoon. **
And.... The best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, *
*every time I think of it my nuts tighten up. *



At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
<><><><><><><>

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
<><><><><><><>
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
<><><><><><><>
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
<><><><><><><>

A couple in their nineties, are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. " "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
<><><><><><><>
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
<><><><><><><>
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
<><><><><><><>
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

~by Howard Schnauber~

I am the flag of the United States of America.
My name is Old Glory.
I fly atop the world's tallest buildings.
I stand watch in America's halls of justice.
I fly majestically over great institutes of learning.
I stand guard with the greatest military power in the world.

Look up! And see me!
I stand for peace - honor - truth and justice.
I stand for freedom
I am confident - I am arrogant
I am proud.

When I am flown with my fellow banners
My head is a little higher
My colors a little truer.
I bow to no one.

I am recognized all over the world.
I am worshipped - I am saluted - I am respected
I am revered - I am loved, and I am feared.


I have fought every battle of every war
for more than 200 years:
Gettysburg, Shilo, Appomatox, San Juan Hill,
the trenches of France,
the Argonne Forest, Anzio, Rome,
the beaches of Normandy,

the deserts of Africa,
the cane fields of the Philippines,
the rice paddies andjungles of Guam, Okinawa,
Japan, Korea, Vietnam, Guadalcanal,
New Britain, Peleliu, and many more islands.
And a score of places long forgotten
by all but those who were with me.

I was there.
I led my soldiers - I followed them.
I watched over them.
They loved me.
I was on a small hill in Iwo Jima.
I was dirty, battle-worn and tired,
but my soldiers cheered me,
and I was proud.

I have been soiled, burned, torn
and trampled on the streets of countries
I have helped set free.
It does not hurt, for I am invincible.

I have been soiled, burned, torn
and trampled on the streets of my country,
and when it is by those with whom
I have served in battle - it hurts.
But I shall overcome - for I am strong.

I have slipped the bonds of Earth
and stand watch over the
uncharted new frontiers of space
from my vantage point on the moon.

I have been a silent witness to all
of America's finest hours.
But my finest hour comes when I am torn
into strips to be used for bandages
for my wounded comrades on the field of battle,

When I fly at half mast to honor my soldiers,
And when I lie in the trembling arms
of a grieving mother at the graveside
of her fallen son.

I am proud.
My name is Old Glory.
Dear God - Long may I wave.
~by Howard Schnauber~