Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll
get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five
or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the
scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a
dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for
doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself
into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to
get out of jury duty.

C&C Monday

One-Liners
------------
Anything worth doing well is worth doing in excess.

The world is divided between victims and predators,
you may have to defend yourself against both.

The thing that takes up the least amount of time causes
the most amount of trouble.

If there are two parts to anything, you will always
miss the first part.

You should make a point of trying every experience
once - except adultry and folk dancing.

I was drowning my sorrows, but my sorrows, they
learned to swim.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we
have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
************
Ninety-four- year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her
lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to
begin divorce proceedings, " she announced.
The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his
composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your
husband have been married for over seventy years.
What in the world could have happened to make you
want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"
Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye.
She cleared her throat and said,
"We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."
************
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of
them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the
weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big
party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they
slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday
morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they
would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that
they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a
result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make
up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the
exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test
booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points.
"Cool!", they thought.
Each one in a separate room, thinking this was going to be easy....
then they turned the page.
On the second page was written....
For 95 points: Which tire?_______
************
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter,
suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.
"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know
the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and
toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?
"No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is
screwing your chickens."

~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following appeared in the "Ask Isadora" column of our local
"alternative" newspaper for the week of April 6-12.... Isadora is a
"Sexologist" who publishes a Q&A column weekly. This is for real--this
is not a joke. This is not a test....

"Q. I am a healthy 30 year old male. My girlfriend and I enjoy a
happy, active sex life. Recently we discovered a new twist we both
enjoy. We bake an 8x10 foot pepperoni pizza in sections, assembling it
on our living room floor which is covered with sheets of black plastic.
My girlfriend goes into the living room, shuts off the lights, and
activates a life-sized animatronic figure of the pope which stands at
the end of the room. The pope's eyes light up and he begins blessing
the enormous pizza and my girlfriend, who reclines thereon clad only in
slices of cheese. I am outside the room at this point and the doors are
closed. I can hear the theme from ROCKY being played within as I wait,
dressed as a huge clove of garlic. When the music reaches its climax, I
burst through the door and hurl myself upon my girlfriend and we
copulate madly at the feet of the robot pope while I shout, 'Poperoni!
Come on, Tony! Not a phony! Poperoni!' Anyway, my question is this:
could garlic pizza sauce be hazardous to human genitalia? Could you
recommend any particularly arousing brand?"


A friend of mine driving down I-85 toward Atlanta Georgia
sees a sign that says peaches all varieties. He pulls off
the interstate and goes to the peach stand. He finds the
guy working there and asks him, "What the heck are you
talking about, all varieties?"
The sales guy asks him, "Well, what is your favorite thing
to eat?"
My friend thinks about it and says, "Peanut butter and
jelly."
Sales guy says, "Well, go down to bin # 2 get a peach and
tell me what you think."
So my friend walks over grabs a peach and bites into it,
cant believe it sweetest jelly he has ever tasted, but no peanut butter.
He walks back to the clerk and says, "Man that was some good jelly but
no peanut butter. What's up?"
The guy says, "You have to turn it around. He does and sure enough, it
tastes like peanut butter. Sales clerk asks him, "What your second
favorite thing to eat?"
"Well, I like Hershey's chocolate!"
"Go down there to bin # 4 take a peach and tell me what you think."
My friend walks down there bites into the peach and sure
enough it's the best damn Hershey's chocolate he has ever tasted. So he
goes back to the sales guy and says, "Man, that was the best damn
chocolate I have ever had. What else you got?"
Sales clerk asks him, What is your third favorite thing to eat?"
My friend thinks about it for a minute, and replies, "Well,
I am kinda embarrassed but I really like to eat pussy."
The sales guy looks at him and says, "You go down there to
the bin with the three X's on it bite into it and tell me
what you think."
So my friend walks down to the bin with the XXX's on it
bites into the peach and just about vomits. This is the nastiest thing
he has ever put into his mouth, it tastes like SHIT!!!!!!!
My friend is pissed, he walks back to the sales guy and
says, "Man this thing tastes like SHIT!!!!!!"
The sales guy looks at him and says, "You got turn it
around."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many
beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try
as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a
last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is
surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to
meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get
anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees
you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and
down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys
a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He
parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he
says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been
able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee
store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down
zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato,
puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up
and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an
hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked
up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why
don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady and her husband have been arguing back
And forth for some time. She makes an appointment
To see her doctor and tells him, "My husband
Has been complaining that my pussy has an odor,
But I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't
Smell anything."
The doctor examines her, and then says,
"Ma'am, you need an operation."
She says, "On my pussy?"
He says, "No, on your NOSE!"

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a
friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears
this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was
only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable
lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,
sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good
tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small."
~~~~~~~~~
When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up
to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open
this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked. Reluctantly I tore
open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the
package, saying, "I'll take them." Relieved, I started to to ring her
up, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been
opened."
------------
Q. Why shouldn't you throw plastic bags into the swamps in Louisiana?
A. Because the bags are not bayou degradable.

Q. What did the colonists wear at the Boston Tea party.
A. T-shirts.

Ted: I've been keeping my bicycle in my bedroom.
Jake: Why are you doing that?
Ted: I got tired of walking in my sleep.

Q. What would you get if you crossed a computer, a slob, and an Olympic
athlete?
A. A sloppy, floppy discus thrower.

Boss: Did you get any orders today?
Salesman: Yes, I got two!
Boss: Congratulations! What were they?
Salesman: "Get out!" and "Stay out!"

Q. How do fleas get from one place to another?
A. They itch hike.

Q. What do you call a soup made from vegetables and chewing tobacco?
A. Spit pea soup.
---------
An ABC talkback was started on radio about the funny side of death. A
woman rang in and told how her grandfather was in hospital and was
expected to die soon. She received a call from the hospital to come as
quickly as possible, and so she raced over to her grandfather' s
bed,where she found a nurse massaging his feet in front of a radiator
she had placed on a chair.
The woman asked "What are you doing?"
The nurse replied "I'm keeping his feet warm. Nobody ever died with warm
feet."
Grandpa, who had been unconscious, suddenly woke up and said "Joan of
Arc did" and promptly died.
The woman couldn't think of a nicer memory to have of grandpa's death,
as he had died the way he had lived, making people laugh.

An Explanation to Friends

This last few weeks have been very busy. Blogging has gone down hill for me. For this I wish to apoligize to all my friends.
My grandson was in the hospital for respitory problems. Daddy had to stay with him round the clock. So Granny and Grandpa took care of big sis. This tends to be a lot of work for us oldie. I have discovered that there is a reason God arranged for the young to have babies and not us err. older folks. They are a lot of dang work.

Tickles

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess.

Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary point him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions:

First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were

paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week my boss said he was going to garnish my
wages.
Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of
parsley in my paycheck will make it any more
attractive.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip
to their local police station where they saw pictures
tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked
if it really was the photo of a wanted person
"Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked,
"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
And God made Australia...(sent by a proud Aussie!)

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, having a rest. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,

"Look Michael! Look what I have made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich, powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

Ah" said God, "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth!

There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an
exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and rugby players, who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then declared, "But you said there will be BALANCE!?"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep
rooting, Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them."

~~~~~~~~~~`

DEJA MOO

AN ODD FEELING THAT...



YOU'VE HEARD THIS

BULLSHIT

BEFORE !!!

~~~~~~~~~~~
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the all channels and
a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the woman ran out onto the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop
and his dog, sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands and
moaned,
" I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for
help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

The Bunny

One afternoon while doing some work in the
Garden I noticed my dog dragging something under
The fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized
It was the next door neighbors' daughter's rabbit.
For years I had watch her come home from school
And head straight out to its cage, free it and
Play with it in the garden. I knew today would
Be no different and fearing for our dog, I had
To think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put
Up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with
The hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew
It dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its
Grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it
Back in its cage hoping its death would be written
Off as "natural causes". Within the hour, the
Neighbor's car pulled in and out popped the little
Girl, and as usual she headed straight for the
Cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet
Away and screamed
"DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at
The cage. Being the good neighbor that I am,
I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything
I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, "What
Kind of sick individual would dig up a little
girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"

Cheers

Taking a Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

I KNOW YOU SMILED
Have a great day and may God bless you and your families
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Interesting Tidbits

*No one has a better command of language than the person who knows just
when to talk and when to be quiet.

*I put all my money into taxes. They're the only thing that's sure to go
up

*There's a place in Harvard Square that sells "experienced" clothing. I
always get a chuckle out of that.

*If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

*I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

*One of the things I didn't want to be when I grew up was wrinkled.

*My dog can lick anyone.

*Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

*I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

*Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Realizing that I'd put on a pound or two, I lamented to my husband, "I'm
fat." And right on cue he said what all good husbands must: "You're not
fat." To support his position, he added, "Just look around you at
others, and you will see that you are not fat." But our daughter, a high
schooler, saw through it: "Mom, he's grading you on the curve!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A man goes into a pub, sets at the bar, and orders five pints. The
barman gives him an odd look since the guy's all by himself, but he
serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The man downs
them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls
to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four
pints and lines them on the bar. The man downs them....One, Two, Three,
Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders
three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One,
Two, Three. "Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints
in front of him. Down they go....One, Two. As the man slams the last one
down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the
glass. The guy sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus.
Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but
the less I drink, the drunker I get..."


Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh, had many, many relatives. Here is a list of some of
them. . .

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh

His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh

The bird-lover uncle: Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh

His sister who loved disco: Go Gogh

The brother who was released from prison: Let Gogh
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is
done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that
there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days
before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had
to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all.
That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks,
you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was
it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."


A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised
by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:
"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is
under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from
an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a
'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business,"
responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage,
I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All
I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot
him." She wasn't selected for the jury.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in
1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.

Father1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?

Father2: Shall I open the window?

Father1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up
my sleeves.

Father2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in
the constitution?

Father1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll
up our sleeves while at work?

Father2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about
"Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"The Founding Fathers were
sitting around a table sometime in
1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.

Father1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?

Father2: Shall I open the window?

Father1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up
my sleeves.

Father2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in
the constitution?

Father1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll
up our sleeves while at work?

Father2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about
"Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Thinking early for Christmas gifts?

If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life, these
gift suggestions should be considered.

1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you
need to change the air in your tires. This highly
recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much
easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or
twice a year. $25

2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this
stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12

3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24

4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good
turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a
new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.

5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT.
If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound.
$3.50

6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for
specific application. From $9.99

7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with
T-50! $14.99

8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!)
From $2.99

9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available
special order. $14.99

10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95

11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99

12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59

13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we
sell!) $40.24

14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95

15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99

16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road
obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50

17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck
begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes,
etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have
become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product
will safely remove the virus. $199

18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image
you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a
manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret
for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can
be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per
square ft.




~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rules of Life
1. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship : "I apologize" and "You are right."
3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
4. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
5. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her. . . believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year fromnow? How about one month? One week? One day?'
8. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it's not that important.
12. And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I urgently needed a few days off, but knew the boss would not allow me to
take sick leave. I thought maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to
take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny
noises.

My coworker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her I was
pretending to be a light bulb so the boss would think I was crazy and let me
have a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are you
doing?"

I told him that I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and get some rest for a few days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the boss said to her, "And where
do you think you are going?"

You will love this...

She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8 She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

Some Funies Tonight

This girl goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, its very
embarrassing but something brown is dropping off my private
parts." The doctor examines her and is sure tht there is
some thing brown coming out.
The doctor is confused and says, "How frequently are you
having sex?. Once a day?"
Girl: Naa
Doc: Once a Week?
Girl: Nope
Doc: Once a month?
Girl: Naaa
Doc: One a year!
Girl: Some thing like that.
Doc: Oh I get it, it's nothing. The brown thing is just rust!
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to
conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to
find out peoples' favourite pastimes.

The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he
started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building
near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name ?" ; asked the student "John" ,replied the
man.
"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your
favourite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," Came the reply.
He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he
came to the next door, when he asked again.
"Sir, what is your name ?"
"Jeff !" ,said the second man.
"Sir, Would you please tell me your favourite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," was the answer.
Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people
in the building and all of them had the same pastime "watching
bubbles in the bath".
He left the building and walked across the street where there were
several row houses to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens
the door.
Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"
"Bubbles !"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been
weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need
you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I
do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the
station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac.
If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I
do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."



Debbie went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside
of her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to
perform a very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that" said Debbie. "Could you just replace
the batteries?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
He: I'm tired, I'm drunk, and I'm horny. What do you say?
She: Get some sleep, get sober, and get a grip.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my
wife. My wife loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you
insulted her." Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be
ashamed of yourself: To be married to a woman like that and not be able
to think up your own insults!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this ?
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Having had one too many, a man at a bar was beginning to display an ugly
side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her,
"Hey, how about it babe-you and me?"
The woman got up to move away from the drunk, and as she did, the man said
loudly, "Honey, you look like you could use the money, but I don't have an
extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge
by the inch?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
He loved her very much.

He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, So he had ordered a
bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived
in time for the occasion.
On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to
have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to
his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and
had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.
In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist
to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and
what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He
added a card, and proceeded home.
When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and
it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a
romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.
He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read,
"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with
fronds like these, who needs anemones
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been
getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."
"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the
mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue
Service."
A woman hurried into a shop, picked up a can of fly-spray, handed it to
the assistant and asked, "Is this good for wasps?"
After looking at it for a moment, he said, "No madam. It will kill them."




LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or
you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity
of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to
move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Movies at home:
Same as Law of the Bath.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
lockers.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making
it.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with
the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for
these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to
get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a
loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the
trigger."


Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when Bill Gates walks up to him and asks:
"Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, not recognizing Mr. Gates, puts down the suitcases and
glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims Mr. Gates.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad.
Check this out..." He shows him a time zone display for every time zone
in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a
voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A
few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is
unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."
Bill Gates is dumb struck with admiration.
"That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny
but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.
"The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning, " explains
Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show
eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says Bill Gates, thinking of the potential
profits after his engineers tear it apart and then market it throughout
the world.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs",
says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate
that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with
a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125
meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all,
the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books,
though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says Bill Gates, becoming insane with
desire.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1,000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $15,000 in cash for it!"
And Bill Gates pulls out his bulging wallet.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and
development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready
for merchandising in maybe a year or so...
Bill Gates frantically waves the cash in front of Jake: "Here it is,
right here and now, $15,000! Take it or leave it!"
Jake abruptly makes his decision: "Okay,"
he agrees as he peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.
They make the exchange and Bill Gates prances happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger.
Bill Gates turns around warily and says:
"What?"
Jake points to the two heavy suitcases he had been trying to wrestle
through the terminal.
"Don't forget your batteries."

Tips from The Redneck Book of Manners

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners


1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U- Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT


1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.



PERSONAL HYGIENE


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.


DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back sodas.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Rantings from a PO'd granny

I have been quiet in my rants for a long time. I have watched the gov. machine in action for months. Its sickening. Whats worse the betrayal of our military? The memememe's by the demone-rats.

William Jefferson on a committee to keep me safe? Screw that I need more ammo.

Demon-rats Sending out first round of subpoenas? A House Judiciary subcommittee approved today the first in what is expected to be an avalanche of subpoenas to Bush administration officials. They will likely explore corruption and mismanagement allegations on everything from pre-war Iraq intelligence to the mishandling of the response to Hurricane Katrina.

Oh yea. There goes several billion bucks down the outhouse shoot. Is it just me or do the demonrats piss off more time and money chasing shadows than any other para-normal group?

Who are these people. Why are they elected and re-elected? Everyone sits and bitches about them. Then send the worthless skin bags back. I say the best thing that we can possibly do is en-act a law that any politician that has a political background can not be placed in office. End of story. If the person is a career politician, send them back to whence they came. Preferably with a gag in place.

I am sick and tired of being told how great obama is hillary is mccain is. Lets face it they are worthless skinbags out for power. Nothing else.

Name me one honest person in the beltway? Just one you can prove is honest and is trying. There isn't one.

The new mantra of the citizens should be if you are caught being dis-loyal a traitor, a liar and you are an elected official you should be tried in the courts of citizens that are suffering at your hand and sentenced to 25 years of hard labor. Not that cushy horse crap the politicians get. Hard labor, being making big rocks into gravel with a tack hammer

There is no place to begin a rant. The madness has seeped into every part of our lives. Illegal aliens are not illegal. Terrorist are wearing suits and making laws in Congress. We are brow beat with junk science daily.

Everyone screams Bush lied. What about?

As a citizen of this nation watching the idiots run the asylum I am waiting for the masses to be slaughtered at the hands of the idiots. Only when we the citizens are slaughtered because of the likes of the DEMON-RATS AND RINO's will things change. How sad is that?

They are grasping for power and forgot what made this nation. Team work.

CHILDREN'S THOUGHTS ON THE SEA:
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?(Sounds blonde)
(Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.(Becky age 8)
13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Joule age 7)
Start each day with a smile.... then pass it on!!!!!