Giggles

[A physician claims these are actual comments from his
patients made while he was performing colonoscopies. ]

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man
has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific! "

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.
You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my
head is not, in fact, up there?"


One Liners...

Why are blondes like pianos? When they aren't upright, they're grand.

What do blondes do for foreplay? Remove their underwear.

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school? Yes, Intercourse
.. you go between periods and you are expected to come.

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may
never piss this way again."

She was so wild that when she made French toast she got her tongue caught in
the toaster. - Rodney Dangerfield

Q: What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A: The pickpocket snatches your watch.


A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks
a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes
a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello
master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking
tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila
whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he
gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at
the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells
the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste and it
is the best tequila he has ever tasted. the Mexican yells to
his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly."

She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another
glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink
it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is
the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and
partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his
wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to
fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is
excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells
his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we
will drink Tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the
table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills
it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one
glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor,
you drink from the bottle."





According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who
wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who
wear leather pants don't like women. (Conan O'Brien)

Study at the Oregon Health and Science University shows that 8% of
sheep are gay, and 73% of those prefer farmers. (Bob Mills)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day our German class was unusually talkative despite repeated warnings,
and our teacher was becoming rather exasperated. After what must have been
the sixth or eighth warning, he raised his voice to declare, "All right! The
next person who talks is going to be severely castigated."

The class was then very quiet for a few seconds, at least until a girl in
the front row asked the teacher, "Mr. T--, how are you going to do that to a
girl?"

Update From Wierd News

Anyone that has followed this blog knows I used to do a wierd news round up. Its been awhile. Through my news round up I met via the net Florentino, jr Floro a judge from the Phillipines. The judge corrosponded with them off and on since that first post. I told him as his story unfolds send me the links and I would post them. A promise is a promise. The judge has emailed me several items. The following is a copy of his email missing his email addy of course.

Ex-judge charges CA ‘Dirty Dozen’


http://www.manilatimes.net/national/2007/apr/23/yehey/top_stories/20070423top1.html


By Jomar Canlas, Reporter

A former judge has filed administrative charges against 12 justices of the Court of Appeals who are on the Ombudsman’s list of magistrates under watch for corruption.

In his complaint to the Supreme Court, former Malabon Regional Trial Court Judge Florentino Floro Jr. identified only one justice and asked the Court to compel Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez to submit the rest of the names on her list.

Floro named only Justice Romeo Barza, a former president of the Philippine Judges Association and senior partner of the Carpio Villaraza Cruz Angangaco law office.
In his 23-page Verified Disbarment Complaint Floro charged the 12 with gross misconduct, gross ignorance of the law, manifest undue interest, issuing questionable temporary restraining orders and violations of the Code of Conduct and Ethical Standards.
Floro asked the Supreme Court to conduct a judicial audit on the 12 and place them under preventive suspension.

He said he singled out Barza because he believes Barza is the justice Gutierrez referred to as “a former judge known for his indiscriminate and improvident issuance of TROs.”
Floro also asked the Court to subpoena this Manila Times reporter to reveal the names on Ombudsman watchlist.

The Times had run an article on the “Dirty Dozen” in CA based on the Ombudsman’s list.
Floro said he filed the complaint in his capacity as a taxpayer.

The Supreme Court had dismissed Floro after he admitted that he consulted with supposed supernatural beings like elves in deciding cases.

He said he also based his complaint against Barza from a report by Mercedita G. Dadole-Ignacio, the Cebu CA division clerk of court, to CA Clerk of Court Elisa Pilar-Longalong.
Barza reportedly issued five TROs from January 18 to February 26, 2007, or one TRO a week.

Based on the records submitted by the 23 CA division clerks of court, Barza issued the string of TROs while assigned in the Cebu CA. Barza is now stationed in Manila.
The restraining orders involve the cases of Sun Life of Canada v. National Labor Relations Commission, the Armed Forces v. Yolanda Lauron, Doloreich A. Dumaluan v. Ombudsman Gutierrez, Assumption Iloilo v. Fedy T. Bhuiyan and O.G. Holdings Corp. v. Environmental Management Bureau.

The Times tried to reach Barza through his staff, Grace Salamat, but Salamat refused to provide the justice’s cell-phone number.

The Ombudsman is monitoring 10 male and two female justices, all assigned in Manila.
Chief Justice Reynato Puno has a similar list which includes Cebu CA magistrates.
The CA has 69 justices, 51 of which are assigned in Manila. Many of them rose from the lower courts.

One justice on the list is a former judge known for the “indiscriminate” and “improvident” issuances of TROs and is connected to a big law office. Another member is being watched for his “lavish” spending and rich lifestyle.

One magistrate is a former RTC judge in Quezon City. The two female justices reportedly has “strong connections” in the judiciary and is linked to a big law office and a gambling lord in Central Luzon. They were also seen frequenting big casinos wearing disguises.
The other justice fixes cases, with his wife acting as his agent. Another justice handles mainly labor cases.

An aging justice reportedly earned a fortune from a series of cases and loves to play golf.
The Supreme Court has begun to crack down on “hoodlums in robes” in the Court of Appeals.

It has sacked CA Associate Justice Elvi John Asuncion for delays in resolving motions for reconsideration within the required period and the irregular issuance of TROs.
=======

The Complaint is a summary of:

http://www.sunstar.com.ph/forums/viewtopic.php?t=4596


C.J. Puno: CA SELLS MANILA/CEBU TROs; IMPRECATION / Curse, Psalm 109

=========

The ENTIRE DISBARMENT COMLAINT can be read here:

http://www.sunstar.com.ph/forums/viewtopic.php?t=4883


Thursday, March 29, 2007

Three Men To Walk On Water

The first one was Jesus Christ.

The second one was Peter the apostle.

And now there's this guy, Jose.

Funnies

WHAT PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD LEARN ABOUT AMERICANS BY WATCHING BAYWATCH

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow
motion along the beach.

2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.

3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one
actually dies, except from cancer.

4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of
15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.

5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are
unreliable and sometimes evil.

6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped
via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per
hour.

7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by
jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.

8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and
lasts no longer than two minutes.

9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are
poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.

10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow

1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection
4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week
later
5. Your credit card expires while ordering online
6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989
7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game,
"PacMan"
8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them
10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side
of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check
on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written
report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down
together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional,
the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them
laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor
café. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and
his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective replies,

"What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen."

The husband says,

"I just can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

A Redneck out in the country comes home and finds his house on fire. He
rushes next door to a neighbor's house who has a phone, to call the fire
department.

"Hurry on over here.... muh house is on fahr!"

"Okay!" came the reply. "How do we get over there?"

"Shucks! Don't you fella's still have those big red trucks?"



*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*


*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a
low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over
the loch. For several minutes they sat silently,
then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,
"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot
time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him
lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two
turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot
time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled
him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then
the two turned once again to gaze out over the
loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for
your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time
you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it
on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two
turned once again to gaze out over the loch
before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit
more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with
anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush,
and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate
request.
And he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye
paid me the first three pennies?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Vince."
"Who?"
"Vince Sabatini. There's a guy who did everything right. Like me coming
along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Vince
every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro
tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Vince."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."

An Email I recieved

The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right?

The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the president. In essence 2/3s of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.

So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What we are so unhappy about?''

Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than
Darfur has seen in the last year?

Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.

Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after
9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?
The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?

Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.

Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.

They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't
kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way......Insane!

Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.

We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.


"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Jay Leno

Retro Post

Back in November I made a suggestion. I understand that it may just come to pass


http://thisthatandfroghair2.blogspot.com/2006/11/fred-thompson-for-president.html

Chcukles

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company
(General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri
River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak
performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese
won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to
investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management
team made up of senior management was formed to investigate
and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the
Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the
American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management
hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of
money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too
many people were steering the boat, while not enough people
were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent
another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management
structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors,
3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent
steering manager. They also implemented a new performance
system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater
incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality
First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.
There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other
equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the
American management laid off the rower for poor performance,
halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money
saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and
the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.


.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-
Polish Sausage..

In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage," asked a shopper? The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The customer, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?" The clerk says, "Well, no!""If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't! "With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish simply because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks hard at him, and replies, "Because you're at Home Depot!!!"
"__._,_.___
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything
with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - "Take a
clean dish and...."




I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy,
Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven
it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke
down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement
parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses
ranged from "Mas-a-what? " to "You've got to be kidding." One guy
just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed
Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry
any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he
replied. "Oil."
"__._,_.___
1. Can you make a word using these letters?

PNLLEEEESSSSS

2. Tomorrow today will be yesterday, and yesterday today
was tomorrow.When tomorrow is yesterday, today will be
as near to Sunday as today was when yesterday was tomorrow.
What day is it?

3. Can you name ten parts of the human body (no slang words)
that have only three letters?

4. Make 1000 by using only eight 8's.

5. A chemist discovered that a certain chemical reaction took
80 minutes when he wore a wool jacket. But when he wasn't
wearing the jacket, the same reaction always took an hour
and 20 minutes. Can you explain?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____
Scroll down if you 'really' don't know the answers.

t

t

t

t

1. Sleeplessness

2. Wednesday

3. eye, ear, lip, arm, leg, rib, hip, toe, gum, jaw,
Few people get more than seven.

4. 8 + 8 + 8 + 88 + 888 = 1000

5. Eighty minutes is, of course, exactly the same as one hour and
20 minutes.
.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the
menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just
as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a
tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.

'Oh my God, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly
slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening
and demands an explanation.

'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the chicken surprise'

'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter..... 'I've
brought you the Peking duck'
"__._,_.___
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.

Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named
Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the
farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily
dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and
very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong
name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he
thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
In search of a new shower for our home, my wife and I went to a
bathroom-supply store.
We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near
closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come
back the next day to make our final decision.
Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same
young lady from the bathroom-supply store was now working a shift as a
waitress.
As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in
a voice loud enough for nearby diners to hear. .
"HEY! You're the man who needs a shower!'"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery. They
immediately set out to begin a life of luxury.
They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded
themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.
They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled
to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency
and brought him back to their estate.
The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room
table for 4 people, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The
couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for 8 people. They asked
the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set
the table for just four.
The butler replied. . . . .
"The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the
Kitschs."
A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of a December
night in Brooklyn, and the police arrived just in time to collar the
burglar, Morris Spiegel, as he was leaving the premises with a big bag
full of loot. Soon, he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge.
"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.
"What's an accomplice?" replied Morris.
"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"
"What else?" demanded the culprit? "Who can get honest and reliable
help these days?"





The new father was left with the baby all day while mom went shopping
for some un-maternity clothes.
When she returned she went to check on the baby. The smell was
overpowering. She found the disposable diaper full and leaking. She was
furious!
She confronted her husband,
"Didn't you bother to check the baby's diaper all day?"
The new dad responded,
"Well, the box says it's good for up to eight pounds!"
"My trouble," said Tinkleman, "is that I can't pee."
"How old are you?" asked the doctor.
Tinkleman said, "I'm one hundred and seven."
"Well," said Rosenstein, "you peed enough!"
"__._,_.___
Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back"
churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally
replies.
One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church
to become better.
He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed,
and walk."
The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
Encouraged by their response, he went further.
"If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside
it's hindrances and run!"
The congregation replied,
"Let it run, preacher, let it run!"
Now really into his message, he spoke stronger.
"If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up
it's wings and fly!"
"Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts.
The Preacher gets louder.
"If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"
The congregation replied.
"Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
At Andersen Air Force Base, Guam, a man in civilian clothes approached
an airman and requested a vehicle pass.
The young airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his
military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration.
Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman
asked,
"What's BG stand for -- Big Guy?"
"No," the man replied, leaning over the counter. . .
"Try Brigadier General."
*********
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their
domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local
newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and
happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the
man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on
the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule
stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little
further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said,
'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the
third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot
the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when
she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'
"__._,_.___
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to
get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to
frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave.

"Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let
me know what you think."
------------
A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the chief.
How' s about letting me have one of your women for a little while?
Asked the paleface.
The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"
"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn." Said the paleface.
"A bag of corn huh." Replied the chief.
The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that
woman there into my teepee." He said.
So the paleface took the woman into the teepee where she took all her
clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and
said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."
The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy saying,
"This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her
ass saying, "This corn hole."
---------
Question and Answer:

Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A.
They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex
life? A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat
anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
waist? A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back? A.
A police horse.

Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half
mast? A. They're hiring.

Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love
handles removed? A. Yeah...now he has no ears.

Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.

Q. How do you do a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
---------
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't miss Charles, the Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the big top, in the
center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member
and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on
their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the
same circus and saw the same faded sign that read,"Don't Miss Charles, the
Amazing Italian".

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his
act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the
table.The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed
the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Amazed, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from
walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
--------- --
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big white circle
around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I
thought, "Man, I look like a clown."

I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got
in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down
to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out
balloons?"

------------
The Lone Ranger was ambushed
and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great
Lone Ranger.

In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be
executed in three days.

Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,

'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers
in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns
with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back. As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief
admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse,
but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to
his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again
whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more
attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian
Chief is again impressed.

'You are indeed a man of many talents,
but I will still kill you tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,

'I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone. '

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger
grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen very carefully

for....the.. ..last... .time,

I said.....

'BRING POSSE'

Wed Giggles

The U.S. Navy answers the question: "Why did the chicken cross the
road?"

Naval Education and Training Command (NAVEDTRA): The purpose is to
familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing
should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo
chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety
observer.

Special Forces Command (SEALS): The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle
to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve
maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at
night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.

Bureau of Naval Personnel (BUPERS): Due to the needs of the Navy, the
chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road.
This will be a 3-year unaccompanied tour and we promise to give the
chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be
required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not
affect its opportunities for future promotion.

Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I can
neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit.
Questions? Please see the SSO.

Naval Air Warfare Center (NAWC): This event will need confirmation; we
need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather
conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the
parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they
might cross thruways designated by some as roads.

Naval Surface Reserve Force (NAVSURFRESFOR) : The chicken should log this
as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates
the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a
Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may
update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.

Commander-in- Chief, U.S. Naval Forces, Europe (CINCUSNAVEUR) : The
purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken
remained under the OPCON of COMSIXTHFLEET and did not CHOP to the
theater on the other side of the road. Without CHOPing, the chicken was
able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time
in-transit visibility.

Theater Air Control Center (TACC): We need the road-crossing time and
the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

Naval Intelligence: What chicken?

Naval Air Systems Command (NAVAIRSYSCOM) : The chicken was instructed to
hold short of the road. This road incursion incident was reported in a
Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please reemphasize that
chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.

Naval Sea Systems Command (NAVSEASYSCOM) : Recent changes in technology,
coupled with today's multi-polar- strategic environment, have created new
challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was
also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core
competencies required for this new environment.

NAVSEASYSCOM' s Chicken Systems Program Office (MS400CSPO): In a
partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by
rethinking its physical distribution Strategy and implementation
processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the
chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences
to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of
its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. The CSPS
convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens
along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation
industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to
leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit,
and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the
implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of
poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like
setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was
strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent,
clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken's
mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the
creation of a total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems
Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its
mission. The actual crossing of the road has not occurred, however, due
to the number of action items still open from the meeting.

Space and Naval Warfare Systems Command (SPAWARSYSCOM) : The SPAWAR
Program Office was unaware of the upgrade to the AN/B1RD configuration,
and continues to up port the development of the G005E(V) (GOOSE
relocation process.) As soon as approved drawings and ILS are in place,
SPAWAR will implement installation and checkout of the AN/B1RD as an
adjunct to IT-21.
---------
Three blondes die and find themselves standing before St. Peter. He told
them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what
Easter was.
The first blonde said,
"Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and
eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he turned her away.
The second blonde said,
"Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he turns her away.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,
"Okay, so, tell me."
She says,
"Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival
of Passover. Jesus was having a Passover feast with His disciples when
he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung
Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb
behind a very large boulder..."
St. Peter relies, "Verrrrrry good!"
Well, instead of shutting up while she was ahead, the blonde continues,
"Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out.
If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had
been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said
"Chopsticks are provided only on request." "But," the man countered, "if
you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to
wash all the forks." "True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to
hire three more people to clean up the mess."
------------ ---------
Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to
heaven?" "Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you
ask?" "There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any
pictures of angels with beards." "Oh, that's because most MEN who go to
Heaven get there by a close shave."
------------ ---------
After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at
the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our
cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was
able to locate my vehicle easily. "Wow," the woman said. "I sure could
use a gadget like that to help me find my car." "Actually," I replied,
"that gadget's called 'my husband.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball
deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the
embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he
spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny
object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old
golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here,
I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out:
"What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you
can't get out of here with an 8-iron."




The Way It Is...

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person will be fired.

"The Steel Law of Distribution"
They what has some... They gets more.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkedness"
You cannot fall off the floor.

"The Law of Management"
The first myth of good management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Washington's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where
he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms."

"I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit
where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight
checks.

He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang
and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after
another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the
third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants
answering to a captain's every whim. He quickly returned to his place
seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door willit be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's flight
attendants' hell."

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ramblings Of A Retired Mind -

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my
garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have
something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it
"Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is
falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have
you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case
of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while
they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking
their pictures!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their
finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.




Jimmy Mac Dougall left home to go to the University in England.
After a few months his parent made the trip from Scotland to see how he was getting on.
"So, bonny lad ,how is it going,"said his mother.
"Fine, fine ,said Jimmy."although I have some strange neighbours,"
"Aye ,"said his father ."what is wrong with them?"
"The one on the right keeps banging his head against the wall all the time and the one on the other side keeps screaming all the time."
"So, how do you cope with all that?"said his mother.
"Oh, I take no notice,"he said "I just keep playing my bagpipes."
~~~~~~~~~
During a training cruise, a destroyer was weaving its way through a
myriad of islands and small fishing boats. Although it was a clear day,
the radar was in operation to train the reservists.
A report came from the radar room to the bridge, "Target bearing
230 degrees, believe it to be a log."
Unimpressed by this superb job of radar interpretation, the young
Officer of the Deck scanned the water with his powerful glasses.
Perceiving a pair of sea gulls on top of the accurately reported
log, he barked, "Radar, this is the bridge. Regarding your last
reported target, there are two sea gulls on that log which you failed to
report!"
There was a long silence as the radar antenna was swung about and
pointed in the direction of the log. Then the voice of the chief
radarman was heard, "Regarding the last sighting, we have a correction
to make, sir. There ARE two sea gulls on that log -- one male, the other
female!"
~~~~~~~~~ ~
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist
who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let
you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
~~~~~~~~~
When we agreed to help our sergeant move to a new apartment, we
didn't know the elevator wasn't working. So after hours of carrying
heavy boxes and furniture up 11 floors, we were wiped out. And when
the sergeant asked us to search for his favorite pot, no one moved.
"I'll give a bottle of Scotch to whoever finds it," he shouted.
Within minutes, a private found the pot.
"Good," said the sarge. "Now look for the Scotch."
~~~~~~~~~ ~

Signs You Have A Bad Travel Agent

- Gets you cheap airfare then asks, "You know how to fly a
737, right?"

- The itinerary shows you crossing the Pacific Ocean on
Amtrak.

- Reserves you a great package for seven days and two
nights.

- Books you on something called "Dulta Airlines."

- Looks at you funny after hearing there's a "South"
America.

- "Rental car" turns out to be a donkey with cupholders.

- No matter what your destination, you have a layover in Afghanistan.

Chuckles

Transvestite definitions

Trans-sister - a cross-dressing nun
Transformation - A cross-dressing rocky outcrop.
Where do cross-dressing vampires come from? Transylvania.
What do cross-dressing steeples do? They transpire.

Transport - cds' favorite wine.
Transporter - cd wino.
Transfer - cd's politically- incorrect coat.
Transcontinental - rich cd's car.
Transmigration - pilgramage to San Francisco.

Transmute - A cd who can't speak
Transceiver - A cd's ham radio set.
Transmit - A cd's baseball glove.
Translate - A cd who's never on time.
A transvestite who abuses newsgroups? A crossposter.

Transformer - cd's ex-wife.
Transpose - what she caught him doing in front of the mirror.
Transcendental - cd tooth "fairy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~
Fox Hunts are still very popular in England.
Once, by mistake, a female dog, in heat,
was placed in the pack.
An observer asked, "How's it going?"
An official replied, "Well, I can't tell for sure
yet, but I think the fox is running about fifth."
~~~~~~~~~ ~




Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the
bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the
groom wearing black?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as
she could, trying not to be
late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't
let me be late! Dear
Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty
and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started
running again! As she
ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be
late...But please don't
shove me either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem,
they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words
on piece of paper, he
calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the
money!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she
requested no male
pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service,
she wrote, "They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me
out when I'm dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your
own mother?"
He answered "Call for backup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to
Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year
olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy
mother," she asked
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not
kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was
created out of one of
Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as
though he were ill, and
she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the
devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan
stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad."
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you
stop laughing!

Giggles

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest,
wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the
hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss,
and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.
Later, the wife's roommate commented,
"Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

------------
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full
moon, when Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, lets play Wee wee chu!"
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon," said Jung Lee.
"Oh c'mon baby, lets you and I play Wee wee chu. I love you and
it's the perfect time", Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Wee wee chu with me?"
June Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "Ok we'll play Wee wee
chu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang: "Wee wee chu
a Merry Christmas, wee wee chu a Merry Christmas wee wee chu
a Merry Christmas and a happy new year."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American in England
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.
The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what
the man wanted.
"You must mean the lift," he said.
"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the
elevator."
"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".
"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in
America invented the elevator."
"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but
someone here in England invented the language."
~~~~~~~~
Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper
posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself:
Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
~~~~~~~~~

Famous Last Words

Quick, they'll never find us if we hide here.

Don't worry, it's not used any more.

Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.

So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday?

Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.

Yes, of course the elastic is strong enough.

It's ok so long as you stay down wind.

I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.

Hey, don't worry, it isn't loaded.

I thought it tasted rather strange.

Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas?

Gee, what a cute little Pit Bull.

And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?

I've never had one of these fail to open before.

Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey?

It's ok, I saw them do it on TV.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow pulls up at a petrol station in Lebanon and asks for five
litres of petrol. The attendant replies they don't sell petrol.
"Don't sell petrol? What sort of garage is this? Well, check the
oil for me."
The attendant says they don't sell oil.
"What? Top up the radiator for me then."
The attendant says they don't have any water, and that in fact the garage is
just a front for Hizbollah.
"Okay, then just blow my tires up."



A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU
PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."